Friday, 30 September 2016


I'm not long back from a holiday abroad. Didn't you know? Chances are, if you follow me on any form of social media you probably do know. As I really like making sure everyone knows I'm on holiday and having fun.

I'm sure it's not just me - after all, you're in a different place from usual, so why wouldn't you be wanting to tell all and sundry what you're up to?

So here's my guide to things you should be doing on social media when you're on holiday . . .

The obligatory airport Facebook check-in, complete with glass of alcohol
The holiday don't start until there's a picture of me on Facebook (at the very least!) waving a glass of wine at the airport - no matter the time of day

Plane selfie
If you don't take a piccie of yourself on the plane and later post it on Instagram, were you really on a plane?

A tweet to your holiday company to moan about something... because something always goes wrong
They ran out of wine on the plane? (This has happened to me before.) They messed you about with your transfer bus? It's a long drive to your resort (usually) so you might as well complain while you wait... and then be inevitably infuriated by the unhelpful response.

Hot dogs or legs pic
Personally my legs are too chubby to be mistaken for hot dogs, but if they were I'd probably do this. However, I will still probably take the odd picture of my legs, on a lounger, with a glass of vino in hand...

"Hard day at the office"/ "not the usual Monday morning view" type post
You know the kind I mean, right? Pic of the pool or beach with a variation on one of the above captions. Sometimes with added "hot dog or legs" bonus footage. If you can post it right at the time where everyone you know will be in the office, do it. They'll love it. I promise. ;-)

Picture of cocktails
Doesn't matter if you don't usually drink cocktails. It's a must on holiday! Top tip: just have one cocktail for the photo opp and then switch to your usual drink. If you can tie the name of one into a song lyric for an instagram caption, even better! (For example... a picture of a tequila sunrise captioned "it's another tequila sunrise..." Or "Tequila . . . it makes me happy". You'll be glad to know the tequila themed part of the post is now over. And yes... I used both of them on one holiday!)

At least one mirror selfie showing you are wearing far less clothes than everyone back home
Whether that's because you have a hot bikini bod (not me!) or you just aren't likely to wear that particular item of clothing ever back home because it isn't hot enough (definitely me!) this is something you need to do!

And so that ends my list. I'm sure I had absolutely tons more, but once I actually sat down to type this up, they suddenly had all drained out of my brain. Please note that this is very much tongue-in-cheek and, when I'm on holiday again next week (yep, I only got back from the last one four weeks ago but I'm away again) you can guarantee most of the above will be happening on social media. So . . . you might want to follow me?!? (Here for twitter, here for instagram.) (Shameless plug, I know, but I'm not sorry!)

Have I missed any? What do you always make sure to do on social media while on holiday, or anything you've noticed other people doing? Feel free to share in the comments section - I do love a comment!

Thursday, 8 September 2016


Do you answer phone numbers you don’t recognise?

I don’t.

There is little that instills the fear of god into me more than when my phone lights up with a phone number and a query of whether to answer it or reject it. (To be fair, sometimes I feel similarly when I do recognise the number, but when I don’t know it, it is so much worse.) You can guarantee that baby is getting either completely ignored or rejected.

But it’s constant. And oh so annoying. Several times a day, at least, I get these strange numbers ringing my phone.

Sometimes it’s the same number numerous times. Sometimes different numbers. Sometimes it’s a mobile number. Sometimes it’s a London number. Occasionally it’s even been an Egyptian number.

They all get ignored.

I used to reject them immediately if I saw the call coming through. But it seems the nasty numbers don’t like that, and you’ve barely swiped in the “reject” direction when a call comes through from the same number again. So now I tend to just blank them. I never have my ringer on anyway which makes matters a lot easier.

I google them afterwards, of course. Just to be sure I haven’t missed anything important. Luckily there’s so many forums where people document their experiences with these numbers and so the internet regularly reassures me that it’s okay, I don’t need to worry that I’ve missed National Lottery’s HQ telling me I’ve won a million pounds despite the fact I haven’t bought a ticket for six months. (This is the sort of thing that crosses my mind.)

Instead I’ve had a lucky escape from being told I might be entitled to PPI (I’m not). Or I’m due an upgrade on my phone (I’m not). Or I’m entitled to compensation for an imaginary accident I’ve had.

I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that my decision to ignore the number was completely correct.

But here’s an even more painful pain point, the sting in the tail… when the number you don’t recognise phoning you is “unknown number” or “private number”.

I’m going to ignore it still, granted. But not being able to google it afterwards? Hateful.

I really really hope when the National Lottery HQ phone me, they at least do it from a number I can google…

Thursday, 1 September 2016


Dear mosquitoes of the world,

Why do you like me so much?

It's very flattering, don't get me wrong. I would never have imagined I had such delicious blood that you all come swarming to me like bees to honey or moths to a flame. However, I am absolutely sick to the back teeth of having pretty much every foreign holiday I go on result in me ending up covered in bites.

And while some people do not appear to be affected at all by mosquito bites, I firmly fall into the opposite camp.

Mine are itchy and unsightly, and I never know quite what they're going to do next. On my first day in Rhodes, I was bitten several times on the foot and legs before I even had time to smother myself in mosquito repellent. I don't know if it was just one of you little blighters who did all of that bite-work, or whether it was several of you . . . either way, not one of them reacted in the same way. Some reddened to different degrees, others blistered . . . there was one that I had to cover with a plaster almost immediately as it was so tremendously ugly.

It makes the whole holiday process more difficult because I'm trying to treat the bites, while stopping new ones, AND balance this with frequent reapplication of suncream so I don't end up with sunburn to add to the irritation of the mosquito bites. And if I DARE to go in the pool, you have to go through the whole rigmarole again once you're out because if you guys sense any sort of weakness, any little chink in the armour, you zoom right in there like the heat seeking little missiles you are and chomp away at me.

And it's not even necessarily places with ridiculously hot climates that you seem to frequent, lying in wait to pounce on my flesh. I once got attacked by one of you in Paris in April one year! Three times on the hand, and it was so bloody sore I ended up shouting at the fella when the poor dude tried innocently to hold my hand when we were at Euro Disney the following day. I hope you're happy with your behaviour!!!

The thing that winds me up the most about it is that there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. No matter how much repellent I apply, you still manage to get in there somehow and suck my blood. And they always end up scarring. And never seem to even attempt to heal until after I am home from the holiday.

I just wish there was a solution - a way you could just leave me the hell alone. Or a miraculous cure for making the bites vanish almost as soon as they appear.

Unfortunately, I haven't found a solution or a cure. But I live in hope.

In the meantime, if you could all just give me a break for my next couple of holidays, I would be extremely grateful.

Thanks in advance

P xx