Wednesday, 3 February 2016
MY BRAIN ON A PLANE . . .
As I type, the fella is on a flight back to Glasgow from London . . . which I guess has prompted this post. I view flying as a necessary evil - I dislike the whole process intensely but I want to get places quickly so I need to do it.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I give to you .. . . pretty much my entire thought process from start to finish when I'm flying anywhere . . .
1) Where's check-in? Oh, it's the desk with the longest line in the world. OF COURSE. Why would I have expected anything else?
2) Of course I packed my bag myself! I can't afford a servant.
3) God, I hope my suitcase isn't over the weight limit. Will I have to queue all over again if it is?
4) Security now. Great.
5) Must not say anything inappropriate to the workers at security. Again. This will not be a repeat of the time I told the girl patting me down that it was the most action I'd had in ages.
6) Do I have too much change in my purse? After that time they searched my bag because there was too much change in my purse, I'm going to be paranoid about this forever.
7) Please don't search my bag. I know where everything is right now. If you take it all out and put it back in, I won't know where anything is anymore. :-(
8) Am I working? Yes. Crap, no pre-drink vino for me.
9) Am I on holiday? Yes. Excellent, let's set up camp in the first pub we can find!!!
10) It says "go to gate". Shite. I'll have to down my wine.
11) Bugger. Now I need the loo.
12) I've been to the loo. But I still need the loo. Argh!
13) There is no space to sit or stand at the gate. Might as well go to the loo again.
14) Why do I still need the loo?
15) Oooh, time to queue. Since I'm in window seat, what are the bets the person in the aisle seat is in front of me in the queue? Fairly high, based on previous experience...
16) *climbing over person in aisle seat* For fuck's sake.
17) Oh god, we're taking off. Please let it be a safe flight.
18) When do they start the bar service?
19) What if they've ran out of wine before they get to me????
20) I'd better get a couple of bottles just in case.
21) I still need the loo!! I'll have to hold it in.
22) No, it's too much... I'm going to have to give in and just go to the...
23) *seatbelt lights go on* Oh well, guess I'm in here for the long haul... hahaha, long haul. I REALLY NEED THE LOO!!!
24) Please land already.
25) Must get off this plane as quickly as possible!!!
26) WHERE IS THE LOO??? Oh wait, that'll be the door with the massive queue of women outside it. Of course .. . .
27) Ah, and now baggage reclaim. How I love the game of luggage roulette . . .
Yep, that's pretty much me anytime I fly. Have I missed anything out???