It's been a long time since I did a "How Not To" post. Figured it was time to remedy that!
As you may or may know about me, I am almost permanently on a "diet". I put this in inverted commas because my diets only last about five minutes at a time and are actually pretty laughable. That's why I really feel qualified on advising everyone on how "not to" diet . . .
DRINK LOTS OF ALCOHOL
Everyone knows alcohol has no calories. Especially Bailey's Irish Cream. It's basically Slimfast.
JOIN THE GYM BUT ONLY USE IT FOR THE SAUNA AND STEAM ROOM
Everyone knows exercise is bad for you anyway (otherwise why would athletes and other sports personalities always get so many injuries, eh???), and the spa facilities are just detoxifying!
CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE ARE SUPERFOODS
Eat as much of both as you can. Seriously. It will TOTALLY help you lose weight.
FIND AN EXERCISE YOU LIKE BUT DON'T DO IT VERY OFTEN
I like pole fitness. And also sex. I do pole fitness once a week only, and have sex on average once every 6 months or so. Therefore the weight will drop off. This is logical.
LETTUCE IS BAD FOR YOU.
Avoid it like the plague.
DON'T DRINK EIGHT GLASSES OF WATER A DAY
You'll be peeing all the time, it's just not practical. A couple of cans of Pepsi are much more sensible. Or aforementioned alcohol.
Follow these rules and you're SURE to lose weight. Honest!*
*I take no responsibility if you don't lose weight.