Thursday, 30 May 2013


Many moons ago (well, until October 2003. So actually it WAS practically another lifetime ago!) I worked for directory enquiries supplying numbers to Cable & Wireless users, as well as various other service providers such as One-tel, NTL and Tesco. I worked there for nearly a year and a half and, in that time, I came to realise that some of the callers were . . . (how can I put this nicely? really, I can't!) . . . kind of strange!


Well, first of all, there were the jokers (at least I hope they were joking and not simply psychotic). For example, I got a call from a woman asking for the number of "The Moon". I assumed she meant a nightclub or similar establishment, so asked the next scripted question "Which town, please?"

"TOWN???" she exclaimed. "I'm talking about the moon IN THE SKY!" Barely able to contain my giggles (or fear) I pointed out we did not supply listings for the moon. "Then how am I supposed to get in touch with my husband?" she shouted. Then proceeded to hang up. Well, that was a waste of money for her. But it provided ME with some amusement, as well as a story to tell my co-workers on my next break!

Then there were the downright weirdos who treated directory enquiries like it was a sex hotline. The ones who would phone up and ask dirty questions. i usually stayed on the line and laughed at them - it was a break in the routine at least. Then there was the guy who phoned up and, er, pleasured himself into my headset. I didn't hang up immediately as he was breathless and moaning and part of me thought he was perhaps having a heart attack and I should try and transfer him round to the 999 side of the office. But when he finished up and said "Thank you, pet," before hanging up, I realised I should have gone with my first instinct! (I MAY have blogged about that before - it seems suitably TMI Thursday-ish)

But, most of all, there were the silly people. Sorry, I know we have all probably phoned some sort of business, be it directory enquiries or something else, and asked something stupid or made a fool of ourselves in the past, but when you're exposed to it everyday, it can start to drive you more than a little crazy!

I came across this following list which I posted on an old blog so thought I would re-post it. I made it up one day back in the old Directory Enquiries days (we didn't have email and used to have to do things like write each other notes to keep ourselves entertained) when I was bored.

This is an example of the sort of calls I used to have to deal with . . .

1)"Can I have the number for Mrs Brown in London? No I don't have an address, how many Browns can there be in London?" (Do they REALLY want to know?)

2) "Can you give me the number of my friend Clare, she lives just around the corner from me?" (Yes, they REALLY say that!)

3) "I'm on a mobile so hurry up. But I'm going to make you go as slow as I possibly can by mumbling and forgetting what I'm asking for so that I can moan at you for being an idiot." (okay, so they don't use those exact words. but that's what they mean!)

4)"Can I have a company called Slasheshmac please? That's in Larshmerkalmagndin. What do you mean, how do you spell the town? It's Y-A-T-M-C-W-R-U-G-T. Are you stupid? Yes, that IS in Wales, how could you tell?" (no offence to the welsh - just please don't expect me to know how to spell anything you ask for!)

5)"Can you give me the number of the laundrette in Manchester? No, I'm sorry love I don't know the name of it. What street? Sorry, I don't know that either but it's right next to the railway station, if that helps!" (it doesn't actually!)

6) "I was hoping you could help me find a number. The name is [crackle mumble crackle] and the address is [mumble crackle} in [crackle crackle]. Do you think you could find that for me?" (highly unlikely unless I have psychic powers i haven't detected yet)

7)"Oh, you're Scottish! Do you not do London numbers then?" (yes, the database is automatically limited for those of us who work in scotland, you know!)

8)"Oh I've forgotten what i'm looking for, i've been waiting for so long for someone to answer the phone." (oh wait I'll just go and recruit some new staff to answer the phones for you, since i seem to be being held personally responsible for staff shortages!)

9)"Can I have Petronello's in Wilson Street? What do you mean, which town? London, of course!" (London-centrism goes mad!)

10)"Can I have Petronello's in Wilson Street? What do you mean, which town? Larshmerkalmagndin, of course! Wasn't it obvious?" (er, no!)

11) "Hello? Is this directory enquiries?" (Funny I could have sworn I just told you that!)

12) "Can I have a telephone number please?" (REALLY? from directory enquiries? surely not?)

13) "I want five numbers." (Why are some people so GREEDY?)

14) "Well, BT offer you two searches, why can't you?" (Because we WANT to be abused by callers, of course!)

15) "What day is it today?"

16) "What time is it?"

17) "What's the number where you can find out the time?" (If you're going to annoy me anyway, why don't you just ask ME for the time?)

18) "Are you wearing any knickers?" (Hold on, let me just check . . .)

19) "Hi, it's me again!" (WHO?)

Good thing I'm not working there still! I would have gone insane by now!!!

Wednesday, 29 May 2013


  • I'm still procrastinating.

  • I have packed three boxes of DVDs.

  • I have ran out of boxes.

  • I have pulled ten years of cards and memories off my bedroom door.

  • My door looks weird naked and I can't stop looking at it.

  • I'm a bit worried I'm some sort of door pervert.

  • I still don't "officially" have a flat to move into yet.

  • I'm a wee bit scared.

Monday, 27 May 2013


I know, why don't we continue the "Paula is a massive twat" theme with another story about why I am indeed a massive twat???

So one of my best friends is pregnant, right now, due at the beginning of July? And a mutual friend of ours decided to throw her a surprise baby shower. This was all arranged via a private events page on Facebook.

To be honest, I tuned out of the planning quite quickly as I'm 1) shit at organising stuff and 2) it seemed to be in capable hands anyway. I just had to be careful not to accidentally let things slip during our regular sojourns to the pub quiz, especially given the fact that my pregnant friend was quite obviously sober while I was . . . well, NOT sober.  It actually got to a few days before and I sent one of the girls involved a message asking where the shower was happening, and what time, as I was so confused by all the messages that had kept popping up on the Facebook page about it. (I'm a rubbish friend, aren't I?) Then I hightailed it off to The White Company and bought a crinkly eared elephant for the unborn baby (we don't know the sex - I'm hoping it's a girl, but everyone seems to think it will be a boy. I'll love it anyway, obviously, but GIRL please!) and, later, a box of nice chocs for my friend herself.

So fast forward to last Sunday, the day of the shower itself. The night before, my pregnant friend had text me but I was getting drunk in front of Eurovision and therefore decided it was not a good idea to get involved in a conversation in case I said something stupid like "see you tomorrow". It would not do to ruin the surprise. So I replied to her first text but left the second one until the next day.

On Sunday, I realised I had absolutely no idea where I was going and posted something on twitter about it. I just said I was going to the southside and didn't know where I was going and one of my once-twitter, now real life friends posted back asking me where. So I told her, and she described how to get there and I said I was probably going to take a taxi anyway and, blah blah blah. I didn't think anything of it, headed off to the shower my mind full of what I was going to wear . . .

When I returned, I noticed I had a private message on facebook from one of the girls organising it. She was asking what I had said on twitter as my friend had saw the tweet and was asking questions.

I had forgotten my friend followed me on twitter.

She's hardly ever on it, to be fair - or hardly every comments anyway - but I had completely forgotten so of course had seen my tweets about how I was going to the southside and where I was going.

Damage control was needed. I drafted in Dawn to use as an alibi, saying on twitter I was going to meet her. Then I texted my friend a reply from the night before (finally) asking what she was up to and saying I was going on a pub crawl with Dawn and her friends in the southside and i'd text her later and find out where she was; maybe we could meet up?

I THINK she still got a surprise, but I feel thick that I nearly ruined it all.  There was actually a point where I nearly didn't go to the shower because I felt like I was going to get crap hurled at me (deservedly) about nearly fucking it all up. But I DID go and I had a lovely time, and my friend did too.

And that's the important thing.

But I'm still a twat.


Sunday, 26 May 2013

TWAT . . .

You know when you meet someone, say at a party or a wedding or something and you kiss them, and you think you might like them but you're not sure if it was maybe just the alcohol talking? And they request you on Facebook and you start chatting to them on there and they suggest a night out and a few months later (things move slowly in this "theoretical" world) you finally end up meeting up? But you get drunk too fast because you're nervous and have only had a bacon sandwich all day, and so then you end up making a tit of yourself by just deciding to disappear home?

That. All of that.

Especially when you have realised you DO actually like the person.

Yup. I'm actually a massive fucking twat.

And I wonder why I'm single . . .

Friday, 24 May 2013


During my "assessment" of my room and things I should/shouldn't be getting rid of prior to my move, I have came to the conclusion I have waaayyyy too much of certain items . . .

I have no idea what I'm going to do with all of these when I move. I want to keep loads of them, but I genuinely think if I kept them ALL I would need about 20 boxes just for those alone. I've been looking in to ways of maybe selling them but it's looking like they may just be having to go to charity instead. :-( Looks like I bought my Kindle just in time . . .

I won't complain about that because I'm addicted to them. In fact, I'm planning to go on asos later and try and buy a few more and I'M NOT SORRY!

Unused, obviously! It's a good thing they last so long given how barren my sex life usually is! I actually currently have three boxes of the things. Long story. So if anyone ever needs one, I can probably spare you a couple!

I have way too many of these for just one neck. I think I could wear a different necklace every day for about six weeks and still have some more to wear. And, like the dresses, I can't seem to stop buying them. And they're ALWAYS getting tangled up with each other which is a total PAIN IN THE ARSE to fix!

I have a whole drawer full of nail polish but I'm pretty sure half of the bottles have gone all blobby and useless. I also somewhat ironically have no nail polish remover or cotton wool pads.

I have coppers, 5ps, 10ps and 20ps kicking about EVERYWHERE. I have little boxes to put them in and I do so periodically but they still just keep turning up in weird places. Like my bed. Or occasionally from inside my clothing. And once from my hair in the shower. It's a strange phenomenon, that's for sure!

What do you have too much of?

Thursday, 23 May 2013


It's been a long time since I did a "How Not To" post. Figured it was time to remedy that!

As you may or may know about me, I am almost permanently on a "diet". I put this in inverted commas because my diets only last about five minutes at a time and are actually pretty laughable. That's why I really feel qualified on advising everyone on how "not to" diet . . .

Everyone knows alcohol has no calories. Especially Bailey's Irish Cream. It's basically Slimfast.

Everyone knows exercise is bad for you anyway (otherwise why would athletes and other sports personalities always get so many injuries, eh???), and the spa facilities are just detoxifying!

Eat as much of both as you can. Seriously. It will TOTALLY help you lose weight.

I like pole fitness. And also sex. I do pole fitness once a week only, and have sex on average once every 6 months or so. Therefore the weight will drop off. This is logical.

Avoid it like the plague.

You'll be peeing all the time, it's just not practical. A couple of cans of Pepsi are much more sensible. Or aforementioned alcohol.

Follow these rules and you're SURE to lose weight. Honest!*

*I take no responsibility if you don't lose weight.

Wednesday, 22 May 2013


  • I'm low maintenance
You know those girls who want to see you ALL OF THE TIME? I not one of them. As mentioned in my previous post, I need my alone-time, and I have quite a busy social life. Basically as long as you don't make me do all the running, reply to some texts, and seem keen, I'll be happy.

  • I'm relatively easy on the eye
I'm not saying I'm a fucking goddess or anything, and I have my insecure moments, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm not a bad looking girlfriend to have to introduce to your friends or family.

  • I'm not the jealous type
I just don't have time for that crap. I'm insecure about stuff sometimes, yeah, but not in relation to other girls. I like to think if a guy is with me there's no reason for him to be with anyone else. If he has female friends etc, I accept that. Even if I don't necessarily think they like me.

Worryingly, I can't think of any more reasons. So perhaps I should actually re-title this post "Reasons Why I'm Single"??? For future reference what ARE good traits in an other half???

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

QUIRKS . . .

I like to think I'm quite a quirky person. I certainly have a lot of quirks. Recently I saw a few bloggers posting about their quirks and I thought this is something I might like to have a go at myself. So what quirks make me "me"???

  • Sometimes, if someone gets in my way in the street and I'm in a particularly bad mood that day, i will growl at them. Not throw them a dirty look as you might think if you know that definition of the word "growl". I will actually make a little growling noise, like I'm an animal.

  • I always need my "Paula- -time". If I can't have at least one night where I don't have to see anyone or talk to anyone a week, then I feel myself getting crazy.I occasionally lie about having other plans when someone asks me to do something purely because of this whole needing my own time thing. Sometimes I have to lie to a few people. I don't ever feel bad about it. (That's a lie. I very occasionally feel bad about it.)

  • Unless I reply to a text message the minute i receive it, I often forget to reply for days! Which is ridiculous as I am CONSTANTLY on my phone looking at twitter, facebook etc.

  • Speaking of Facebook and Twitter, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I WILL check them to see what I'm missing.

  • If I'm going on a train journey, I need to get on the first possible stop I can get on at as I hate getting on busy trains. This means occasionally I will walk BACK to the previous station and have to get a later train when I could have got on at the busier station and made the earlier one.

  • I hate having to phone strangers. I have to psych myself up to do it beforehand. (One of the many reasons why I am really hoping that my ex's flat works out and I don't have to flathunt) I don't even like phoning my friends or family, so why would I want to talk to a stranger???

What are your quirks? Do you share any of mine?

Monday, 20 May 2013


So I am into day 9 of this.

I don't even know where it originated from - my friend just found it posted on someone's facebook. I was staying at hers last weekend so we decided to start it together. She couldn't continue with it though, so I'm on my own again.

The first day or two were mega easy. But it got really hard really fast.

I am DREADING doing today's. It's all of those sit-ups. The crunches, the leg raises and the plank I can stand. The sit-ups are HORRENDOUS.

Just looking at day 30 makes me feel a bit sick inside.

Although once I've done that it will be all over with.

Whether I actually make it past today though is a different story . . .

Anyone else doing anything like this?

Sunday, 19 May 2013


I sometimes have too much time on my hands to think. And this weekend I've been wondering what guy in my life is "the one who got away". I spent ages thinking about this just this morning as I lay in bed trying to force myself to get up.

So . . .I think it was the guy who was the second guy I slept with. This was about seven years ago now - I can't believe it was that long ago! He was a friend first and foremost but we built up such a good relationship with each other. We would email back and forth all the time and the emails got flirtier and flirtier but I never saw anything in it because although I liked him and fancied him a wee bit, I knew he was in a relationship and nothing could ever happen.

But, somehow, it did.

I've never approved of cheating, don't get me wrong, and I don't really believe that because I'M not the one cheating that makes it right. But sometimes when you're stuck in that moment, when you REALLY like someone, it somehow just doesn't matter anymore. Does that excuse my actions? Not at all. I still judge myself for it.

We never spoke about his girlfriend. To his credit, he never told me he was unhappy with her or wanted to leave her, at least we avoided that cliché. Although mutual friends, who had worked out what was going on with us, had told me that he wasn't happy. So there was a tiny glimmer of optimism that me and him could actually work out beyond our little fling.

But it didn't. Things just didn't work out that way - circumstances beyond any of our control happened and they ended up closer than ever. Who's to say that wouldn't have happened anyway? Who's to say they weren't meant to be together all along? We won't ever know.

Sometimes though, I do think that if me and him had actually got together properly . . . that we would still be together now. Because there was a brief point when I was pretty sure he was the one.

I hadn't really thought about this in years and YEARS until just before Christmas. There was a night out and he ended up back at my flat afterwards (not like that. Mind OUT of the gutter please!). Long story which involves one of my friends getting ready here and leaving her keys here, one of my teammates getting so drunk she passed out in the street, me having to bring HER back to mine as she couldn't remember where she lived . . . and then my friend had came back to get her keys, bringing him with her as they were going in the same direction and planning on getting a taxi together. BECAUSE it was nearly Christmas AND a Saturday night it was hard to get a taxi so the three of us had hung out in the kitchen for a few hours while they waited, them drinking vodka pilfered from my drunken teammate, me imbibing cava.

It was weird to have him back in my flat seven years later. In completely different circumstances, him now married, with a kid. It was definitely odd. It was fun at the time though, but after they finally left, the memories came flooding back. The way it had started . . . completely out of nowhere. How devastated I had been when it ended. And I really had been because I'd been CONVINCED for that couple of months that we would ultimately end up together.

I'm over it obviously. It was YEARS ago. But sometimes . . . well, you can't help but wonder "what if?" can you?

Do you have a "one that got away"?

Saturday, 18 May 2013


Obviously, since I realised I would have to be moving out of my flatshare soon, my mind has been turning to the fact I need to pack up 10 years worth of crap. But, more importantly, due to the fact it has been 10 years and I'm an extreme hoarder, I need to do a clear-out.

And on several occasions I have actually made a start on this. I always get distracted though. Basically I am the Queen of Procrastination, and I will actually do ANYTHING other than do the clear-out. I also don't really want to get rid of anything.

Here are some things I have found during my clear-out . . .

Loads of old tickets . . .

School reports . . . I actually even found ones from my early primary school days!

Random certificates - yes, I won best female hair in my old department at work, 2005!

I spent ages going through these things because . . . fun! And also, it meant I could stop clearing stuff out for a while! It is actually quite incredible the amount of crap I have kept hold of. There's elocution certificates from the five years my mum forced me to go to classes, gymnastic certificates (which is weird since I now can't even do a cartwheel!), photographs I forgot even existed , old stories, the play I made up for my Higher Drama class in school (about a girl who was sick of her mum acting like a teenager) . . . it's like so many memories are inside this room, even though it's not the room I grew up in obviously. How can I get rid of these things? They're basically part of ME!
So anyway, the clearing out part is not going well at all. I also like to procrastinate by taking selfies of me with the various miscellaneous things I find as I clear up. This happens to me quite a lot. Even my current blogger/twitter/facebook profile picture was taken during the last time I was trying to clean up properly, sometime last year!
So I present to you . . .
Bad day in progress selfie . . .

Me and Shelia the Seal selfie . . .
 Australia hat selfie (remember the Australia day TMI Thursday story??? I got the hat at that party...)
So yeah . . . if anything my belongings actually seem to be multiplying rather than dividing because I keep finding so many things I've forgotten about! And instead of doing something about it I just hang out in the twittersphere and avoid the situation . . . to the point where it'll probably get to the end of June and I will still have ALL OF THE THINGS and not have packed at all yet.
I think I need help!
Can anyone give me any advice about getting rid of stuff? Or are you a hoarder and/or procrastinator too? Please share!

Wednesday, 15 May 2013


  • My lack of motivation - I haven't made it to the gym for two whole weeks. Was meant to be going tonight after pole fitness. Ended up going out for a two course meal and a glass of vino instead. It was delicious, granted, but I feel guilty now.

  • Pole dancing failures - Even nearly two years on, I am struggling with the aforementioned pole fitness class. There's some moves I can do well, but some I still struggle with. My sister started the class about three months ago and has now pretty much caught up with me.... and can do some moves I can't do! I knew she'd be better at it than me because she's always been sportier but still . . . it's a bitter pill to swallow.  (On the upside though . . . I can hang upside down with no hands! LOOK AT ME!!! )

  • Insert applause here .  . .

  • My inability to avoid anything that's bad for me - cheese. Chocolate.  Cava. Men. Enough said.

  • Possessions - why do I have so many? The more I try to clear out stuff in preparation of my move next month, the more my belongings seem to multiply! Where is everything coming from??? And why am I having so much trouble getting rid of it. Someone call Hoarders Anonymous for me please!

  • Hair extensions - if you have hair extensions, can you not spend half of your day combing the tangles out of your hair with your fingers right in front of me while tossing it about virtually in my face? It's fucking irritating.

  • Weather - it is mid May and we've had no nice weather. Unless you count last Tuesday. That was probably actually our summer. Mother Nature, gonna fling us a heatwave? If you want to make it between the 22nd and 30th May that would be ideal . . . I'm off work then. Cheers!

What's annoying you right now?


These are the main things I'm looking forward to when I get my own flat:

  • Being able to put hairdye on my hair and not then have to guard the bathroom(s) in case they both get taken over while I'm waiting for the dye to develop.
  • Being able to use the kitchen WHENEVER I want and not rush to make a meal mega quickly when I'm feeling particularly anti-social
  • Only having to put out my OWN rubbish (well it would be nice if I could have someone else to do that, but I'm being realistic here.)
  • When I am waiting for a delivery, I will be able to hear my buzzer without having to sit in absolute silence. (well, that's dependent on the buzzer working I suppose!)
  • Everything being my own space (although that means I'll only have myself to blame for any mess)
  • Being able to have dinner parties (although someone else might have to cook).
  • I can walk about naked if I want (I probably WON'T, but it's always nice to have the option)
  • I might feel like a grown up finally (highly unlikely but possible).

What is/would be your favourite thing about having your own place?

Tuesday, 14 May 2013


I always seem to enjoy staying in and browsing the internet while under the influence. Of course, this does have its issues. Mainly I tend to end up sending tweets, emails and facebook messages that I may not otherwise have sent.

Several weeks back I ended up in one of those situations . . . and it wasn't really my fault.

Well, not REALLY.

Basically I commented on the status update of a guy I used to work with. YEARS ago. That I once kissed. YEARS ago. That I did fancy for about five minutes. YEARS ago. I think he'd maybe sent me a random private message on facebook YEARS ago asking how I was. And not replied to my response. YEARS ago.

But that night, YEARS later, his status update was CRYING OUT with an opportunity for me to slag him off, and drunken me took that advantage.

Still, I was a bit surprised when I got a private message a few minutes later saying "It's lucky you're pretty so I'll let you off with your mocking of my literacy skills." I commented in return on his correct usage of both "you" and "you're" in the one message, which seemed to be his cue to start spelling these words in deliberately the wrong way in follow up messages (which says a lot really). Which I entertained mainly because I was drunk and bored.

Then came the comment from him that maybe I should join him for "drinks and breakfast" to discuss his "clearly inferior grammar". Slightly taken aback, I asked where breakfast came into this. He responded "it's the most important meal of the day." True obviously. Still, seemed a bit out of nowhere!

I responded "not if you're on nightshift." He told me "Touché. You've always been a worthy opponent."

The banter continued a bit. Then he asked when this "date" was happening (presumably the drinks and breakfast). I said I hadn't realised there was going to be a date, he asked if he was being too forward. I said considering I hadn't seen or spoken to him in years, it did seem a bit forward.

And, if I'm honest, despite my drunkenness, I was already backing off a bit. Because I think if anything I'd just been trying to boost my confidence. I may have had been on fire the other weekend in terms of guys, but I'd had a dry couple of months before that. And I didn't really want anything to happen with this guy - as far as I was concerned, he was filed in a folder marked "The Past". In the end I agreed to meet up for a "drink that wasn't a date" and then fell asleep. The next day I woke to find he'd left me his number shortly thereafter and said to contact him to arrange this drink.

I never did.

I actually woke up that morning with a serious dose of THE FEAR.... except I knew exactly what had happened. I also knew that he hadn't even been drunk (I had asked him that jokingly when it had started to get out of my control; he said he'd been a designated driver and was therefore sober) so was likely to remember this had happened too.

During the course of that day I actually considered DELETING MY ENTIRE FACEBOOK just to avoid the situation. Which is fairly drastic given I LOVE Facebook. Well, most of the time.

Instead I just never replied to that last message and never put his number in my phone. And he hasn't been in touch since, so he's either got the (non-existent) message, or he actually WAS drunk and can't remember.

I feel a bit silly though about getting myself into that situation.

The moral of the story is this: You don't even necessarily need to leave the house to get into awkward situations when you're drunk. Thanks to the internet, it's potentially even easier to do so . . .

Awkward situations and the internet . . . ever had one? (or several???)

Saturday, 11 May 2013


I've been investigating those albums that are allegedly made for runners. (Or in my case, going om the treadmill.) You know, like "Now . . . That's What I Call Running" and all of that bullcrap? Mainly this is because I suck at making a playlist on my Sony Walkman mp3 player. I have DONE it before but I can never remember HOW so it becomes a total pain trying to edit it.

But you know something? Running albums SUCK. I've had a browsing through the track listings and for every one I think "yup!" there's about five I think "hell no." This is not a good ratio.

So, for you, I share my favourite treadmill songs.

Crushcrushcrushcrush by Paramore
Radio Song by Superbus
Anna Molly by Incubus
Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding
Work by Ciara feat Missy Elliot
Untouched by The Veronicas
Ex Girlfriend by No Doubt
Hash Pipe by Weezer
Song 2 by Blur
Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park

You're welcome! ;-)

Speaking of songs, this is my current favourite song (probably not for the treadmill though). I love the line "everything you exhale is attracting flies" (geddit???). And the video is so clever, with a modern fucked-up twist on fairytales . . .

What's your favourite treadmill/running song?

Friday, 10 May 2013


  • "Cleaning is so much fun. I wish I did more of it."

  • "I'd love a beer."

  • "Salad is delicious. I think I just ate way too much of it!"

  • "I was asleep by 9pm last night."

  • "I'm such an early bird."

  • "Exercise is the best!"

  • "I'm never drinking wine again."

  • "I'm sick of being blonde. I must dye my hair darker."

  • "Yeah, let's go up the tallest building in the world. Heights are my favourite."

  • "I am really good at relationships. Mine always last a really long time."

What would YOU never say???

*Post inspired by Nicole.

Thursday, 9 May 2013


It springs to mind that, in all my rants in the past about being annoyed about living with other people, I have perhaps inadvertently painted myself as the perfect flatmate.

Or perhaps not.

Either way, I am certainly NOT the perfect flatmate.

  • I hate people moving my stuff.
I have a facial wash that sits between the two taps in the sink of the bathroom I use. It has changed brands over the years, and is rarely used by me. But it always sits there. And if someone tries to interrupt the status quo . . . I am not happy. How DARE someone in a communal bathroom try and put something that EVERYONE might want to use, like SOAP for example, in that space instead of my facial wash??? How very rude.

Likewise in the kitchen. That bag of flour has sat on that shelf for four years and has been out of date for three, but the actual CHEEK of you trying to throw it out??? Cold shoulder treatment for you!
  • I'm anti-social.
I go out a lot. It stands to reason that my flat is therefore my place to avoid people and not make small talk. Sometimes I'm sociable. But generally I'm not. If you're my flatmate, that may make things awkward for you, as I run away from you clutching my glass of wine.

(Who am I kidding? It's a bottle.)
  • I don't answer the door. Unless I know it's for me.
So basically if you forget your keys, you're screwed.
  • People being too loud annoys me. Unless it's me.
So it's okay for ME to have a Nik Kershaw youtube disco for one in my room LOUDLY . . . it's not okay for you to do the same.
  • I'm messy.
Luckily this is generally confined to my room. So it's more my friends/family/anyone who comes to visit who has to put up with this, not my actual flatmates. Moving on....
  • I am very easily irritated by other people's mess in communal areas
Particularly the kitchen. Dirty dishes are my most peevy of pet peeves. I cannot abide even my OWN dirty dishes to the point where I quite often wash the pot I cooked my food in before I've actually eaten my dinner. One of my flatmates actually drives me crazy for leaving dirty dishes next to the sink, or (even worse!) in the sink. Seriously, how hard is it to wash that ONE KNIFE or ONE GLASS you have used RIGHT AFTER YOU USE IT???

  • I get resentful easily.
Things like . . . being the only person to have bought toilet roll in months. (To the point where I can actually hear someone go into the other bathroom and then into the one I normally use when they realise there is none. And my blood BOILS). Or the only one to take out the bin (although that hasn't been quite as bad with the newer flatmate joining us in the kitchen - she not only takes the bin out sometimes, she actually BOUGHT bin bags - which the first one hasn't done in nearly three years.) These are all petty things but they annoy me. Sometimes I even hide toilet roll in my room because one time I put a pack of two toilet rolls in the bathroom I use - only to discover half a day later the second roll was missing and had been moved to the other bathroom. I was actually RAGING! I took it back and hid it in my room.

In short . . . I am a total bastard and I get annoyed about things I shouldn't get annoyed about . . . things that are commonplace in most flatshares and aren't really that big a deal.

The one good thing about me though (maybe?) is that I never confront anyone about this as I wouldn't dream of causing a scene.

Although that is possibly because I KNOW I am being fucking unreasonable!

What makes or WOULD make you a bad flatmate?

Monday, 6 May 2013


Occasionally I find myself watching the TV show "Man vs Food". You know it, right? This dude travels about the States and basically races against himself to eat a ridiculous amount of food in a small period of time.

I don't really see the point of this show. It appals me and fascinates me in equal measures though.  There are a few reasons for this. The first reason is that, even though I love my food, and spend a lot of time THINKING about food and eating, I have a tiny little appetite. I can't eat a lot of food in one go. I'd quite happily go out for dinner and have three courses.... but it's unlikely I'll have finished each dish. So to see one guy virtually inhale the amount of food in one sitting which would probably do me for ONE WEEK . . . well, I find it pretty revolting.

On top of this, it seems rather counter-productive to have a programme that makes an achievement of a guy eating an unnecessarily large amount of (usually highly unhealthy) food in a short space of time, when the US (and the UK for that matter) has a high obesity problem. It's basically telling people it's acceptable to be gluttons - glorifying it rather than demonising it.

I seem to be in minority on this, mind. I mentioned it on twitter a few months back and everyone else seemed to love it, and take it in the spirit in which it is intended, which is I guess that it's meant to be fun. I can see its entertainment value, don't get me wrong, but I do worry a little about the message it is spreading. I know the programme is now over, but there are still re-runs of it, so it's not going away anytime soon. Apparently Adam Richman used to exercise twice a day when he was on the road filming to maintain his health . . . maybe they should have been making a bigger deal of that in the programme.

How did this dude end up getting to do this as a job anyway? When someone asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up, did he say "I want to eat for a living! How can I do that?"

Actually, I suppose most of us would be happy to eat for a living. Personally I'd be happy to drink wine for a living. But unfortunately "alcoholic" is not a job title. Yet.

Watch out for "Paula vs Wine" coming to a TV near you soon . . .

What are your thoughts on "Man vs Food"?

Saturday, 4 May 2013


So the Ferry guy came over again last night.

To be honest, this was a while coming. About two weeks ago, after he'd commented on one too many of my twitter statuses (probably the one where he agreed that I had spectacular tits) I turned to my sister and said I had a feeling we'd probably be having sex again pretty soon. It still took me aback though when he randomly started texting me out of nowhere on Wednesday night while I was at a pub quiz.

The texting continued throughout Thursday, although I was also out Thursday night and ended up snogging a hot fireman. (That was fun until he puked on himself. Yeah, That was how drunk he was.) In the meantime, without my knowledge, one of my friends was texting the ferry guy from my phone pretending to be me, saying all sorts of things like "I want your willy. NOW." etc etc.

The worst bit is that when I looked at the messages the next day I thought "God, this stuff doesn't sound like me" but just assumed it WAS because I'd been rather inebriated. When my friend 'fessed up it made a bit more sense . . .

So anyway he phoned me last night to say he was about to come through from Edinburgh (it had been tentatively arranged) and turned up just after ten pm last night, and left a bit after midday today. It was nice. More than nice.

I do still like the guy and dear god do I find him attractive, but I know for definite it's just a hook-up thing now. And I'm surprisingly okay with that. Like I've said on here, and to my friends, he's not a viable prospect. He's too young, for a start. And he's made it very clear that he's not looking for a girlfriend. That he doesn't EVER want a girlfriend and that he's happy to die alone.

I have other things in the pipeline anyway. ;-)

I walked him to the door and as he walked out I said "So I'll see you in about six months then?" He just laughed and agreed.

Who knows where either of us will be in six months. But it's always nice to have options . . .

Wednesday, 1 May 2013


I find getting my five-a-day surprisingly difficult.

I buy shitloads of fruit and veg on a regular basis but usually fail to eat most of it. I mean I know in theory it’s easy to get your fruit/veg intake – you just need to bulk up whatever you’re eating with a lot of salad, blah blah blah. However, I tend to get distracted by stuff like cheese . . . why have some meat with a side of veg If you can have your meat with a side of cheese? Lots of cheese. Possibly even a few different types of cheese.

I think cheese causes many problems in my life.

Recently I’ve been making an active effort though to actually try and get more healthy food into my life. A handy hint . . . the humble cauliflower is a FANTASTIC way to sneak more veg in, mainly because it’s a crafty little bugger which can be disguised as the things you should be avoiding if you’re cutting down on carbs. Cauli rice is nicer than normal rice, for example. I’m not QUITE as sold on cauli mash, but it’s an okay alternative to normal mash. I even managed to make a sort of calzone out of it a couple of weeks ago.

Yes, there was cheese involved.

I’m not a big fan of lettuce so I tend to avoid salads since it seems weird to have a salad without lettuce. However, I’ve discovered that I can use raw red cabbage as my “lettuce” and that makes salad much more palatable for me now.

(Also nice to have in salads? Cheese.)

Fruit is a different matter. Because I know some people put fruit in salad but I don’t. As far as I’m concerned, anything savoury is a no-fruit-allowed zone.

I suppose the fruit I consume the most is grapes, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count since it mainly comes in the form of cava. (I would be the healthiest person EVER if that counted.) I love apples but they don’t agree with me for some reason. I tolerate berries – they’re alright but I have to force myself to eat them. Bananas are on my list of enemies – I used to hate them, I would never pick one up and eat it voluntarily, but I’m getting better about eating them IN things.

I am, however, obsessed with pineapple. A tin of pineapple (in its own juice, not syrup – I’ve never understood the point of fruit in syrup) in the morning is the most convenient and DELICIOUS breakfast ever. I can eat it at my desk, it fills me up until lunchtime and it requires no preparation. If you get a tin with a ringpull, it’s not even difficult to open the tin!

I do enjoy pineapple.

Not as much as cheese though . . .

Do YOU get your five a day? What are your favourite fruits or veg?