***Ensure you are stocking shelves or rails wherever a customer is trying to look. Y'know, cos they LIKE the challenge of trying to peer around you to see or reach the thing they are looking for.
***And if you arrive WHILE they are looking, make sure that you push them out of the way without so much as an "Excuse me" or "Sorry". Yeah, manners - or lack thereof - are not important.
***Yell at people in changing rooms for no apparent reason. Yep, customers LIKE that.
***Remember that the customer is always wrong. Repeat this mantra on a daily basis. Now you can take the high ground and look down on them.
***If they challenge how much change you have given them after a purchase, refuse to admit on any level that you might be wrong. Make THEM feel uncertain about it and apologise to YOU.
***If the customer asks for a bag to put their purchases in, inform them that they are ruining the environment. Refuse to consider that they might just not always be sensible enough to be carrying a spare bag on them.
***Oh, and speaking of bags, if a customer has bought a bottle of wine, a couple of tins, and a few other heavy-ish items, don't EVER consider double-bagging them or putting them into more than one bag. Because why SHOULD the customer miss out on their bag giving weigh under the weight halfway home? It just wouldn't be RIGHT now, would it?
***If you HAVE to be nice to the customer for any length of time, make sure it only continues until after they tell you they don't want the store card you are trying to entice them with. Otherwise, what's in it for you???
***Hover around where a customer is standing looking at something, and the second they move away from the item, rush over conspicuously and straighten it. Making them feel guilty for touching things is FUN!
If you were advising someone on how NOT to be a good shop assistant, what would you tell them to do?