Friday, 30 July 2010


I just killed a man. Anyone wanna be my alibi?

I think I need to do a massive shit.

I just did a massive shit. Seriously, you should have seen it. Oh wait, I'll twit-pic it... Hold on.

Westlife are the best band in the world . . . ever!!!

My boyfriend is a feeder and he's encouraging me to get to 500 pounds. Let's DO THIS!

Me and the wife are working our way through the Kama Sutra. It's Kama Sutra 365 - we'll be tweeting a new position each day.

Oh man . . . what does it mean when it goes green and it is itching???

I just joined the Ku Klux Klan. Who wants to come to meetings with me?

What Twitter updates do you hope NEVER to see???


  1. RIP [insert your first and last name here]

  2. That " massive shit " one made me laugh because, sadly, i know guys who talk that in real life...
    If i were on Twitter ( which i'm not, i'm trying to resist Twitter as long as i can.. ) i think something like this would turn my stomach -
    " My new aim in life is to become just like Jordan - she's my hero! "

  3. Did these come from your brain?

  4. Reminds me of the list of phrases you'll never hear...
    "look, there's the banjo player's porsche."

  5. Oh man, I didn't read the title of your post and after reading all the tweets, I'm like, "WTF?!"

    Ok, makes much more sense now! lol

  6. How about 'uh oh, I have an STI. If I hooked up with you, you probably should see a doctor...'

    Or 'hey, guess what - turns out the condom ripped... you probably should see a doctor...'

    Or 'hey, turns out your boss found your blog... you probably should see a lawyer'.

  7. Hahaha

    I don't want to hear about people tweeting live while in labour. Seriously.

  8. I was in a lecture at uni and no lie instead of being allowed to ask our lecturer questions we had to tweet them to him instead. It's taking over everything!!!!

  9. just gave the waiter a bj...he came all over my face!

    No lie. I actually saw that on someones updates.


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