Friday, 30 July 2010


I just killed a man. Anyone wanna be my alibi?

I think I need to do a massive shit.

I just did a massive shit. Seriously, you should have seen it. Oh wait, I'll twit-pic it... Hold on.

Westlife are the best band in the world . . . ever!!!

My boyfriend is a feeder and he's encouraging me to get to 500 pounds. Let's DO THIS!

Me and the wife are working our way through the Kama Sutra. It's Kama Sutra 365 - we'll be tweeting a new position each day.

Oh man . . . what does it mean when it goes green and it is itching???

I just joined the Ku Klux Klan. Who wants to come to meetings with me?

What Twitter updates do you hope NEVER to see???

Thursday, 29 July 2010


I am in a strange mood today.

Okay, perhaps let's substitute "strange" for "lazy" and that would be a tad more accurate. Anyway, I'm too lazy to post. But I WANT to post, my brain just doesn't work. So I had an idea.

It's inspired by a few of the comments on yesterday's post about friends trying to matchmake you when you are single. (Yes, I find it a bit annoying too, luckily it doesn't happen to me too often!)

So let's play a game. Here's the rules:

If YOU could set me up on a date with anyone, who do you think would be my perfect match?

It can be someone you know in real life (if so, where have you been hiding them?), a celebrity, a fictional character, someone who isn't even alive anymore, someone single OR taken . . . remember it isn't real so anything goes here.

You don't even need to give a reason if you don't want to. THAT'S how nice I am. :)

(Oh and a PS here, it should be male. I'm aiming that mainly at Mich, knowing what she's like, hahaha! It may not be REAL, but it's at least got to be someone I might actually SHAG if they were around in real life. Which I wouldn't do with a woman. Sorry!)

Please play along! I'm dying to know!

Wednesday, 28 July 2010


DISCLAIMER: What follows is a mostly tongue-in-cheek post which should not be taken particularly seriously . . .

"Sooo . . . are you seeing anyone right now?"

(No. If I was, I would have undoubtedly told you within two seconds of meeting you. Unless I have a reason for keeping it to myself, that is. (IT'S YOUR HUSBAND! MWAHHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. I don't do that. Honestly.)
(Plus it makes me feel like a loser who doesn't have a boyfriend. Because when someone asks if I'm seeing anyone right now, I rarely am. Thanks.)

"Sooo . . . are you still seeing _____"
(Not the Artist formerly known as a Long Straight Line. It's a "insert name here" type line. You probably knew that. I hope. Anyway, if I WAS seeing someone but we'd broken up, this is the point where I would re-hash the entire break-up in great detail. And possibly cry. If you want me to do that, ask. If not, we can talk about poo or stinging vaginas instead. Deal?)

"The right one will come along eventually."
(Yes. I hope so too. I'm worried you'll jinx me by saying it out loud though.)

"Look at me, I thought I was never going to meet the one and then Blah Blah came along."
(Rub it in, why don't you?)

"If it's any consolation, sometimes I wish I was single too."
(Grass is always greener, right?)

"He wasn't right for you anyway. You should have walked away sooner. I know if it was me, I would have."
(Except it WASN'T you and, anyway, half the time the person saying it was in the exact sane situation as me on more than one occasion and DIDN'T walk away sooner. Always easier to see it when it's not your own situation, right?)

"I just don't understand why YOU'RE single!"
(Probably something to do with my seven toes on each foot and one boob that's twice the size of the other one.)
(Or my ability to lie. As per my previous bracketed statement. Which was all falsehoods.)

These are things that go through my head sometimes. I am perfectly happy being single for the moment, I really am. You know this. But sometimes when people say this kind of stuff, it makes me doubt that. Doubt myself. I know it's all well-meaning though. If someone was doing it to be a bitch, I'd probably realise it and, y'know, lamp them or something. Or pretend to lamp them, in my head, at least.

So here is my question for you . . . When YOU are single, or if you ARE single (if so, don't worry about it, the right person is BOUND to come along soon . . .), is there anything people say about it that can make you feel a bit crap?

Or is that all just me?

Tuesday, 27 July 2010


***Despite my internal vow to not drink alcohol during the week, I did so tonight when I met little sis.

***In fact, I am STILL drinking even now. Ooops.

***Me and my sis went to Europa. I ordered carbonara. I somehow ended up with aribiata.

***I was too polite and/or cowardly to inform the waiter he had got my order wrong.

***I ate more of my sister's creamy pasta dish than my own.

***I wouldn't let her complain about me getting the wrong thing. Cos I'm a WUSS!!!

***When the bill came, they tried to charge us for twelve chicken wings instead of my three potato skin starter. At twice the price!

*** Thank goodness my sister is NOT a wuss. She sorted that out.

***Oh, and she also altered my pretty Oasis dress. Yay for her fashion degree!!!

***(Now I just need to make my hips thinner)

***The main difference I can see from my health/exercise regime is toned upper arms.

***If I make you feel my biceps, please compliment them. Just sayin...

***When I got home from meeting my sis, my cool new glasses had arrived (the burgundy version). I probably still won't wear them in public, but at least I'll feel cool when I DO wear them....

***I'm still drinking right now. I have half a bottle of Marks & Sparks sparkling rose to finish.

***It is currently about 11.10pm.


How has your day been???

Monday, 26 July 2010


So I've been missing in action for a couple of days, real life caught up with me once again and I was busy being all important and popular and stuff like that.

I've been doing monumentally impressive feats like making fajitas for friends. (Okay, I used an Old El Paso kit, but they were still delicious.)

Or eyeing up waiters in tapas bars with Mich.

Or queuing for 45 minutes (plus 45 minutes) in the bar to wait for a table at Jamie Oliver's new restaurant in Glasgow. TOTALLY worth the wait by the way.

My life is SUCH a challenge sometimes . . .

(Just kidding. I had a blast.)

On the downside? I'm now exhausted. Oh, and I think I may have a bladder infection.

Which is where the TMI part comes in. As I may or may not have self-diagnosed myself by typing "stinging vagina" into Google this morning.

And was amazed by how many options came up that WEREN'T porn . . .

How were your weekends? Have you missed me? What's the strangest thing you have ever typed into a search engine?

Thursday, 22 July 2010


Over the past few weeks, I have caught sight of a possibly hot guy every so often as I walk to or from work.

I say "possibly" because I don't actually KNOW for sure whether he's hot or not. He looks hot from the BACK, for sure. But the front??? I have absolutely NO IDEA.

Y'see, the thing is this: I never know when he is going to appear. It's always at different stages on my walk, and until the other day, I had only saw him on my way TO work.

He walks faster than me, and I never know when he will "strike". I feel someone walk past me and next thing he is in front of me, going at full speed, and all I get to do is admire his nice bum. I can't catch up with him to overtake him and peer into his face to see if he is indeed hot as I hope (I can't walk fast enough and, even if I COULD, I'd probably freak him out somewhat). I can't really shout "Oi!" (Well, I COULD do that but who's to tell he'd even turn around? I know I wouldn't, if the roles were reversed.) And I can't spend my entire walk to and from the office constantly turning around to see on the offchance if he happens to be coming up behind me.

I'd probably fall over, for a start.

Or walk into a pole.


Oh, and also . . . since I've only saw him from the back, would I actually recognise him if he was walking up behind me anyway?

It's quite the conundrum.

Oh well, it will remain a mystery for now. If I ever do find out if his front is as hot as his back, I'll let you know . . .

Has anyone else ever experienced this sort of logistical problem???

Wednesday, 21 July 2010


As you know, I enabled comment moderation to stop all the stupid spam comments publishing. Which has been a good thing. I posted about how annoying the spam comments were before.

But I'm worried my spam hatred may have harmed someone in the moderation of the comments.

Let me elaborate.

Once or twice during the day, I will check the internet on my phone to see if my blog has any comments to be moderated. Today I checked my phone and saw a comment that was about eight lines long and made up mainly of links. I spotted spam's favourite phrase in the whole world "penis enlargement" in among the linkage, so I immediately checked the box next to the comment and clicked REJECT.

My phone's internet connection can be pretty slow when I'm not in the flat and/or around wi-fi. So as the page started gearing up to reject this comment, I had a moment or two to look at the comment properly.

Then I felt HORRIBLE.

You see, the spam comment was asking me for help. Apparently the commenter had been kidnapped by the Russian Mafia and was being forced to post spam comments for penis enlargement on people's websites. If the comments weren't accepted, he had typed, he would be killed.

Then there was something like "They're coming back, I've got to go, help me!"

And I had rejected his post.

Is it just me or has spamming just hit a new low???

On top of receiving ridiculous spam comments, I'm now getting a side of guilt trip along with it???

For fuck's sake . . .

Tuesday, 20 July 2010


MAXI DRESSES - I don't think it's really anything to do with the fact am I short-arse . . . they just don't look right on me somehow. I'd probably get a better effect if I draped a tent around me. No, wait, I don't think that would work either . . .

WHITE LINER ON THE LOWER INSIDE RIM OF MY EYE - It's meant to make your eyes look bigger and brighter and more open. Instead it has the opposite effect on me. I tried it today and my eyes looked evil. Oh, and people told me I looked ill. I don't think they worked out WHY I looked ill though, which is something to be thankful for.

REALLY HIGH HEELS - I think my various falling-over-in-heels incidents which I have documented here in the past prove that, without me having to go any deeper into the subject . . .

A PILLOW-CREASED FACE - mind you, I don't think ANYONE can really pull this off. But I spent half of today with creases from a ribbed pillow running up one half of my face - even through my eyelid! I looked like I had been mauled by some sort of wild animal as a child, and my scars were just beginning to fade. Thank God for long hair that can do a semi-decent job hiding one's face, that's all I can say.

REALLY TINY DENIM SHORTS - actually, whether they are denim or not is probably irrelevant. ANY kind of tiny shorts are not something I am going to rock. The pale legs and cellulite sort of put paid to that.

BARE LEGS - it kind of follows on from the previous statement really. I don't really mind going bare-legged on holiday but in Scotland? No no no no NO!!! Especially when my legs tan the worst out of pretty much every other body part of mine, fake tan rarely works without streaking, I've still got mosquito bite scars from May's holiday to Zante . . . and I hate my knees. I'm just glad that black tights and leggings exist. Three cheers for them!

ARTFULLY TOUSLED "BEDHEAD" HAIR - You know that "just got out of bed" look that some people seem to be able to perfect without effort. My "just got out of bed" look is scarily real. Scarily real as in no one would ever consider leaving the house with their hair like that normally. And when I TRY to make it look tousled in a STYLED way . . . it tends to just make matters worse. Much much worse . . .

RED LIPSTICK - I look like a child playing dress-up. Oh, and the last time I tried out the look in the privacy of my home, I forgot I had put the lipstick on and several hours later thought my gums were bleeding when I was trying to eat a sandwich and red was smeared all over it. Duh.

What can YOU not pull off?


Mmmmm - pizza. The finished article.

As you know I rarely post recipes on my blog. Mainly because, well, I can't cook or bake very well. My "specialities" are cookies, tablet and pizza. This is basically the fourth recipe I've ever posted on my blog, and - guess what? - it's pizza again!!!

This one is a slightly healthier version though. I've been dieting for the past couple of weeks and last night I was craving pizza - but I knew that generally they are not really a healthy option. So I decided to do something I've been thinking about doing for a few days now and making a pizza using a wholewheat pita bread as the base. But I wanted to make it a little bit different from a normal pizza and, doing a twist on one of the Dominos pizza bases available, I wanted to have a layer of cheese in the middle.

And much to my surprise . . . it worked!

So here's how I did it . . .

Wholewheat pita bread split in half with Laughing Cow triangle

I started off by slicing the pita bread through the middle and spreading one Laughing Cow Light triangle over it. I also added some chopped up red onions (I was worried all my toppings wouldn't fit on top of the pizza), then closed the pitta bread back over and pressed it down so it was flat(ish).

My choice of toppings - ham, mushroom and red onion

I added some pasta sauce to the top (in this case, it was a Weightwatchers tomato & garlic sauce), followed by my toppings of choice - these were mushrooms, more red onion, and ham. I followed this up with some shredded up mozzarella.The pita pizza ready to go into the oven

Placing it on a baking tray, I put it into my oven, which I pre-heated to 200 degrees C. This was just guesswork, as I didn't really have a clue what I was doing, so it was a big pizza improvisation really! After I checked on it, I decided to add some cheddar cheese to it too, so I chopped up some of that into tiny cubes and sprinkled it on top of the pita pizza too.

I'd say I left it in the oven for 20 minutes. When I took it out, I sliced it into four so it would feel like a proper pizza, even though it was smaller than a regular one, obviously!

Only one slice left - I nommed that pizza pretty damn quick!

I was pleasantly surprised with how well it turned out. I really enjoyed it, it filled me up (probably if you were really hungry you could serve it with a side salad too) and I felt quite saintly in eating it. Okay, so it still has cheese on it, but basically the cheese is the only sinful thing about it and, let's face it, you can use less cheese than I did, or use low-fat versions of everything. I also think the extra layer of cheese inside the pita itself added to the overall taste, and didn't contribute many more calories or fat! Result!

So I'll definitely be repeating this recipe again. Even though it is nowhere near as fab as my other pizza (the one I used the cheese scone recipe for the base), it still was really delicious. In fact, I'm getting hungry again just thinking about it!

If you were making this pizza, what toppings would you put on it?

Sunday, 18 July 2010


Hi everyone!

I know you'll all have been waiting with bated breath for this, so here are the ANSWERS to your questions. Whooo - is the excitement too much??? Try to stay calm, I know it's difficult though...

Unfortunately, the vlog thing did not happen. I'm upset about this too - I spent ages trying to sort it but it doesn't seem to have worked out. Well, it HAS been uploaded but sidey-ways I'm afraid. So if you DO want to watch the vlog, you can go here to see it, but I will be sideways, just to warn you! I spent so long doing it and trying to upload it that I can't be bothered trying any further. Sorry folks but I DID try!

The Vegetable Assassin asked:
I meant to ask where you were from originally if not Glasgow? (Oh god what an INTERESTING question, Veg)

First of all, Veg, there's no such thing as an uninteresting question. Only uninteresting answers. This may be one of those. I grew up just outside Glasgow, a town about 10 miles south called Hamilton. It's not got many claims to fame, although many Scottish footballers hail from there. In fact, quite a lot of Celtic players from the past went to my high school. Oh and one famous snooker player! But yeah, that's pretty much the most interesting thing about it...

Lady Lovely asked . . .
Did you ever have a goth phase? Because you seem so girly!

I am indeed quite girly and no, I've never had a goth phase. I DID go through a hippy phase but as usual when I try to follow the crowd (there were a lot of hippy phases going on at that point) I tend to get it wrong, which is why I don't generally do that. For example, to be a "proper" hippy, you had to have Doc Marten boots. My mum bought me the cheaper imitation - Sargeant Pepper boots. Not quite the same thing. Yes, my hippy phase didn't last long...

Do you like Disney films?

I am a big kid and I therefore ADORE Disney films. We all know my feelings on Robin Hood, the fox from that particular Disney film. Perhaps we'll not go into that again...

JP asked me:

What was the last thing you spent too much money for?

I don't tend to spend a lot of money on one particular item, but the last thing I remember spending a ton on was my Links of London sweetie bracelet and charm. It cost me about one hundred and fifty quid all in all. I bought it in 2008 to cheer myself up right after I'd been dumped, and I don't regret buying it. My friend V bought me a lucky knickers charm for it for my 30th too - I'm still waiting for it to be lucky for me, but I love that too!

What was the last thing you bought, wore, then returned?

I don't do that. That's naughty! To be honest, i NEVER return things. Which is probably a bit thick of me, as I do buy a lot of stuff without trying it. But I just can't be bothered taking it back if it doesn't look right! (What can I say, I'm lazy with a capital L!)

What sale purchase are you most proud of?

I got a really cute little purple skirt with coral polka dots in the Miss Selfridge sale which I love. It only cost me seven pounds. That is my best sale purchase at the moment!

What did you buy that you haven't had the guts to wear yet?

Um, that would be my black leather dominatrix outfit. Nah, just kidding. My clothing choices are never particularly out-there, so I'd never buy something I didn't have the guts to wear. It's just not me.

Sprinkles asked me:

What do you do for a living?

I don't really talk about my job on my blog, but I work for an accountancy body. I'm not an accountant. I'm an administrator in the exams department. Fascinating stuff...

Do you believe in ghosts and if so, have you ever seen any?

I don't really believe in ghosts. Or I prefer to believe they don't exist, because the idea that they DO scares me. Then again, if ghosts exist then I guess that proves there is definitely an afterlife so maybe I DO want to believe in them. Argh - I've confused myself now!

If you had a million dollars, tax free, what would you do with it?

I'd give some to charity and some to my friends and family, I'd buy myself a nice flat in Glasgow city centre and a holiday home in the Canary Islands. Oh, and I'd look into opening my 90s bar that I'm always talking about doing.

What's one thing you've always wanted to do but haven't yet?

That one's easy. I'd love to fall head over heels in love. Preferably with someone who felt the same about me...

Mich asked me:

You're straight as a die BUT... if you had to sleep with one celebrity female (or have them go down on you, whatever)... life or death situation(!) - who would you choose?

Surprise surprise, Mich!!! I've given this some thought. Obviously girls are quite competitive, so I didn't want to be with someone who was much skinnier or hotter than me - but then of course I don't want to get with an ugly one (Renee Z, for example!) Then I realised that this was pretty much mission impossible so I choose Alyssa Milano. Okay, so she IS hot and skinny, but she's also older than me. So I win ONE point! (Get THAT around you, Milano!!)

Steve G asked me:

Don't worry Mich, I'll go sexual too - Would you rather sleep with that female celebrity (and by sleep, I mean not actually sleeping) or a skanky ass dude?

Skanky ass dude or Alyssa Milano? Hmmm. Is there really a contest here??? (Alyssa wins. By default really, but she still wins.)

asked me:

Did you like school? What did you study?

I wasn't sure if this was school as in school, or school as in college/uni. So I'll answer both. I was miserable at school, but I loved uni. I was much happier there. And I studied Marketing & Communication, which was good fun, although it doesn't exactly come in useful in my current occupation!

What's your favorite drink (aside from rose wine).

My favourite non-alcoholic drink is Diet Irn Bru, the "other" national drink of Scotland. My favourite alcoholic drink apart from rose wine is either a French Martini cocktail or a nice glass of Baileys over ice. Mmmm...

Wombat asked me:

Will flared trousers make a comeback?

First of all, do wombats WEAR trousers??? Do they actually CARE about fashion? Or are you just being a smart-ass, Wombat??? ;) Anyhoo, I'm not really up to speed on fashion and I don't really care for wearing trousers, so I can't really answer your question definitively, I'm afraid. Sorry dude! You'll have to just figure it out for yourself...

Little Miss Juicy asked me:

Umm..this might just be the dumbest question, but where are you from? And what do you do? And are you currently in a relationship? I am only asking so as to get to know you better. Haven't really come across a bio or something of the sort about you! :)

Not dumb at all. I live in Glasgow and, as I mentioned above, work for an accountancy body, although really I want to be a writer! I'm not currently in a relationship - I've not been in one for nearly a year, have had only one date since then (which was last November) and have only kissed one guy this year. So I'm practically growing cobwebs, if you know what I mean!

Caro asked me:

If you could go back in time watch would be the 5 things you would do differently?

I would have gone travelling when I left uni like I really wanted to do. I would have not went back to work for the con artist and spent all my savings when she didn't pay me. I would have accepted my relationships were over sooner rather than wasting time on them any longer and wondering "what if?". I wouldn't have lost touch with so many old friends. And I wouldn't have posted certain things on my old blog which got me into trouble a few years ago.

Auburn Kat asked me:

How do you handle living with so many roommates?

Most of the time it's fairly easy, believe it or not! It's a really big flat so you can go for days without seeing someone a lot of the time. Otherwise I probably would have moved out LONG ago!

Andhari asked me:

If you're a cast of Jersey Shore, what would be your name and personality? LOL

I probably would just use my most common nickname which is P-Shack. I reckon that would work quite well - I'd fit in, right? I would be the one who got drunk all the time and did stupid things. (So I guess my personality wouldn't have changed all that much from my real life persona then...)

Blue Eyes asked me:

If tomorrow you could wake up anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Lanzarote or Fuerteventura - my two favourite islands. I would love to live in the Canary Islands.

What do you think about right before you fall asleep?

Generally I'm thinking "why the heck am I not asleep yet???" to be honest. It takes me ages to fall asleep and I get really frustrated!

If you had to do something physically challenging (eg climb a mountain, run a marathon, canoe down the Amazon or whatever) within the next two years what would it be and why?

I would LOVE to have it in me to run a marathon but given I get tired out running ONE mile I don't think I could manage 25 more on top of that. I like the sound of canoeing down the Amazon though, for sure!

And that's all folks! Sorry for the length of it, and the crappy vlog but I hope you still like me. :)

Friday, 16 July 2010


Tonight I'm feeling lazy. I ended up going for a couple of vinos after work last minute with one of my colleagues, came home via the supermarket where I bought a bottle of wine or two (okay, two!) and I'm definitely feeling the worse for wear.

Anyhoo, I thought, since I don't think I have the brain cells left to string together a blog post, I would ask you nicely (or beg if you want me to) to give me some questions to answer. I've done this in the past, I know, but let's pretend I haven't. What would you like to know about me? Please ask me anything - I LOVE to answer questions. In fact, I just LOVE to talk about myself full stop!

I've been considering doing a vlog - oh my god! - so there is every chance I may use this as an excuse to do so. (Although I'm not entirely sure you will understand me...)

So is there anything you've wanted to know about me, yet haven't asked??? Please do.


Thursday, 15 July 2010


I've been playing about with my new phone in the past week or so, getting to know it a bit better.

NOT in an intimate way, I should stress. But since we're ON the subject . . .

Out of curiosity, as I browsed the Droid Market on my phone, I came across (not literally!) an app called "Vibrator".

Of course, me being me and all, and it being free and all, I simply HAD to download it. HAD to. (It forced me. Honest.)

I didn't want to like USE it on myself or anything (I'm not THAT skint, I can go buy a new toy if I'm desperate) but I wanted to just see what sort of functions it actually had.

And I wondered if people actually USED it as a vibrator. "Oh look, dear, I have a brand new phone here. And a vibrator application. Let's try it out on you, shall we?"

I'm sorry, that's a bit weird. It sort of like sexual abuse of your phone, when it comes down to it.

But I couldn't really see what else people would use it for. I mean, most people already have a vibrate option on their phone anyway - why would you want another one UNLESS it was for dirrrttyyy purposes? Yeah.

So I checked out some of the comments on the application. Such gems as " Doesn't get me going!!! :(" or " My girl loves this app", pretty much confirmed my suspicions.

Although this one kinda confused me . . .

"It does wat its meant to do. I wouldnt put it down there for pleasure tho. All u females better hope u dont get a yeast infection."

(Yes, I copied it verbatim - I am not personally responsible for the lack of apostrophes and text spelling).

It's the "I wouldn't put it down there for pleasure tho" part that confused me. Isn't the implication there that there is ANOTHER purpose to putting your vibrating phone down "there"? So your vajayjay can also communicate with the world? I'm sure it doesn't need to vibrate to do that!

I'm so confused!!!!

Anyways, I checked out the app all the same just to see what was going on with it. There was the straight up vibration, various cycles and, much to my amusement, the ability to vibrate in morse code! So you put what you want to say into the phone and it vibrates it back to you.

Oooh the possibilities are endless.

Sorry, I'm still disturbed about the fact that people are doubling up their phones as vibrators. Does anyone else think that's weird? What if someone phoned you in the middle of you using it for its other purpose? It be kind of like someone walking in on you having sex.

Just . . . . ew!!!

I also wonder . . . . is there a paid version of this app? What options would the paid version offer? The orgasm of the year? (And perhaps supply some sort of inner sterilisation with it too?)

I am rather disgusted, frankly. There are some strange people out there in this word.

What do you think? And have you found any weirder apps for phones than this?

Tuesday, 13 July 2010


There are certain things I don't think I'll ever grow out of, no matter how old I grow.

For example, I still feel slightly devastated inside when I think I've been left out of something, whether it's an in-joke, or a drink after work, or ANYTHING really. I try to ACT like it doesn't bother me, but deep down it eats away at me and I wonder why they chose ME to be excluded. I can't help but wonder what I've done wrong and every insecurity I have rears its ugly head.

I'm better at rallying back after one of these knocks to my confidence now, don't get me wrong. But I don't think I'll ever feel less hurt, less offended or less paranoid at that original hit. I just bruise way too easily (metaphorically AND literally).

And here's another.

I care too much about what other people think of me.

I know that we're not SUPPOSED to, but I can't help it. I don't want, for example, people to think I'm stupid. Like my second year Maths teacher at school who told my mum I was useless at maths and never would be good (funnily enough the second I left her class, I excelled at Maths - I don't think it was me, it was her teaching that faulted me. But at the time it stung.) Or the time I was off-site for the first time for work and because I didn't know where I was going, I nearly followed my male colleague into the toilets. The male toilets. And he looked at me like I was a total idiot and said "You DO realise this is the gent's, right?" and for weeks afterwards every time I thought about it I cringed inside and didn't want to look him in the eye.

One of these events happened approximately seventeen years ago. The latter happened three years ago. Not much changed in that time and not much has changed since.

It seems to be an innate personality trait of mine that I want everyone to like me, and I don't want people to think badly of me. If I think someone DISLIKES me, this too eats away at my inner psyche. WHY don't they like me? Have I done them wrong in some way, a way I don't remember? (You know me and alcohol and what the old vino can do to my memory on a night out! But then again, this problem pre-dates my drinking days.) Or is it just that I'm that hateful that they can't even bring themselves to try?

(I know deep down this isn't the case, but sometimes you just can't help being paranoid.)

The weird thing is with me, that even if I suspect they don't like me I have to keep trying, keep pushing. Keep making an effort.

(I wanted to find a clip to demonstrate this, but unfortunately I couldn't locate exactly what I was looking for. For "Friends" fans out there - do you remember the one where Monica threw a baby shower for Rachel and forgot to invite Rachel's mom? And all the way through the shower, Mrs Greene was being absolutely horrible to her, and she kept trying to be nice, over and over again? Until she snapped at her and said exactly what she thought? Then apologised for it? That's me . . . only without the honest part in the middle.)

Prime example of my own: about 9 years ago, I spent a few months working in a well-known department store in Glasgow. I started going out with one of the boys in my department and one of the Saturday girls, who clearly had a thing for him, didn't take kindly to this. She treated me like crap, and despite the fact that I was 22 and she was only about 17 and only THERE one day a week, she made me feel awful. One day we had to take the float up to the office together and for some reason I was STILL trying to make an effort with her, chatting away to her awkwardly while she replied in monosyllables.

Afterwards, I was so angry at myself for even TRYING. Why did I bother? It only made me feel like an idiot.

But you know . . . now I look back on that . . . now I think about it . . . actually surely I came across as the bigger person. She was the petty little girl who hated me because I was with a guy she would never get (and she never did. My friend ended up going out with him after me, so she didn't have a chance anyway) and I had tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and she threw it back in my face.

If anyone should have been embarrassed, it was her, not me.

It's happened again since (on several occasions - SERIOUSLY, apparently I'm that unlikeable to some! Can you believe it???) and thinking about it, I can apply that same logic to these other situations. Okay, someone doesn't like me. Okay, maybe they have their reasons, and maybe I will never understand them, but that doesn't mean I have to reciprocate the same behaviour they display towards me.

So I guess the conclusion is this: there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to make an effort with someone, to reach out to them. But you have to know when it's time to just give up and move on.

Hopefully next time this happens, I will be able to do so.

Wow. Maybe I AM getting wiser after all . . . ;)

Is there any personality trait or flaw you feel you'll never grow out of?

Monday, 12 July 2010


TV/FILM REMAKES: Are there seriously no original ideas anymore? Re-makes generally seem to take a show that wasn't all that great in the first place, and then just sex it up a bit, or add a bit more violence or something to make it SEEM more interesting. Ultimately, they still aren't that good. (Apart from "90210" - my guilty pleasure.)

PLAYSUITS: I mentioned these the other day. I don't get why they exist. "Ooooh, I look like a dress, but really I'm not," giggles the playsuit as it hangs in a shop, trying to attract passers-by. Paula approaches, looks it up and down: "That's a pretty dress," she says, picking it up, before she realises her mistake. "Hahahaha," sniggers the playsuit. "Fooled another one!" Grrr.

LIMITED EDITIONS: Nothing is more frustrating than when someone brings out a limited edition, you try it, love it and then . . . in a flash . . . it's no longer available to you. Why do companies do this to us??? We form an attachment to a product, grow to love it and then POOF! it's gone. Limited editions are like . . . most of my ex-boyfriends in that case, I guess. Except the limited edition product MIGHT come back at some point in the future . . .

JUSTIN BIEBER: Do I even have to justify this one? He looks and sounds like a ten year old girl (in fact, I'm sure one of my colleagues suggested he bears a startling resemblance to Hilary Swank - I think he had a point there. What do you think???). Why are girls attracted to him? Why do people keep buying his music? WHY DOES HE PROBABLY HAVE FAR MORE MONEY THAN ME IN THE BANK? Life just isn't fair.

"CELEBRITIES" WHO GET A BOOK PUBLISHED/FASHION LABEL/RECORD DEAL JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE "FAMOUS": I feel really sorry for the normal people who spend ages writing novels without success, or going and getting a fashion degree only to be rejected from all the big jobs, while a celebrity can just jump from one career to another. It just doesn't seem fair to me, especially when you get soap stars releasing rubbish cover tunes, or reality tv stars getting their own fashion label. Makes you wonder why everyone else bothers to try.

Is there anything YOU don't see the point of???

Sunday, 11 July 2010


It just seemed like a normal Sunday afternoon.

Me and my sister had a girly night last night and just lazed about this morning. Eventually once I managed to stop her playing the "Bistro Cook" game on my phone that I myself got addicted to the other night, I walked her down to Byres Road, bought myself some wine, then headed back to my flat.

Before I got down to drinking, I decided to sort out tomorrow's breakfast and lunch. My veg-loaded omelette was browning nicely and my pasta bubbling away merrily when I looked down . . .


I screamed. Backed into the corner. Stared over at it in horror.

I saw cockroaches when I went on that hen week to Spain. But I've never saw one in Scotland. So I was 100% sure that's what it was. But I don't see what else it could be.

I don't deal well with insects/spiders/creepy crawlies at the best of times. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you may remember this from this post about a spider in my bedroom. So I immediately started freaking out. But I knew I couldn't just leave it. For one thing my food was about to burn!

I went for the first solution I could think of - grabbed the mop and bucket, filled the bucket with water and bleach and rammed the mop on top of it, inwardly squeaking the whole time. It tried to escape of course, but I rammed the mop on top of it again and thrust it into the bleach-water.

So while I turned my omelette over using one hand, i used the other to stab the mop into the bucket repeatedly to ensure that mo-fo was dead. But now what???

I phoned my sister. We decided the only option was to flush it down the loo. Then bleach the rest of the kitchen.


Until, as a I re-bleached the rest of the kitchen, I spotted the spider.

Once again I screamed. It was massive. What to do? Could I kill it?

It moved. I panicked and, once again, slammed my mop down on it and lobbed it (sort of) into the bucket.

Once again, flushed the bugger down the toilet.

Of course then, as I texted my sister to inform her of recent developments, I realised that I really needed the toilet.

Her response to me "Watch it doesn't crawl up your bum."

Yeah, that helped me pee . . .

As I sat down on my bed to write this blog post, a tiny moth flew straight at me - in a panic, I swatted it and killed it too. I guess I have to assume that ALL the insect/spider world are after me now . . .

I'm scared. Wouldn't you be???

Saturday, 10 July 2010


I don't drive.

In fact, I CAN'T drive.

I don't have a licence. I've never had a lesson. I've never applied for a provisional licence, or studied for a theory test, or looked longingly at a car and said "that's the car I want to get one day once I have my licence."

On the occasions this comes up in conversation, it tends to be met with open mouths or "You're kidding?" comments, or queries about whether I'm learning or have failed my test or when I intend to START driving?

At the moment, I never intend to learn.

I honestly don't see the need. I never have.

I grew up in a town in an area where everything was accessible to me by foot. My school. My library. The train station which led to Glasgow (albeit in 25 minutes). The pubs I couldn't really get into.

My parents, despite both being able to drive, are big walkers. So I guess that is part of the reason why I DO like to walk as much as possible, it's just the way I was brought up. I am not much for walking just for the sake of it, but if I can get in some exercise by walking from my place to the shops, or to work, I will do so.

In fact, my round trip to work and back is between 4 and 5 miles. Every day. Suck on THAT.

(I should stress that, apart from the occasional taxi - if weather is extreme or I'm supremely hungover - or a lift from a friend - that I'm always walking it. Let's estimate 98 % of the time. Go me.)

There are only a few times when my lack of being able to drive proves a hindrance. And that would really just be the times when I'm off-site in work (not going to be a problem anymore anyway), or when you're at the mercy of someone giving you a lift back from somewhere further afield - they get to decide when you leave and you just have to go along with that.

Now THAT sucks, but apart from that . . . it's all good.

In addition, not one member of my family passed their test first time. In fact, it took both my sister and brother multiple attempts to pass. And although my brother now uses the family car to drive to work (and occasionally drive me back to Glasgow after I've been over in my hometown visiting), I don't think my sister has driven a car since she was sent her licence all those years ago.

I don't handle failure pretty well and it seems fairly inevitable that I WOULD fail at least once before I managed to pass.

Driving lessons are expensive. As is sitting (and re-sitting again and again!) the test. Then you have to buy a car. Pay for tax. Pay for insurance. Pay for petrol. Pay for parking.

Money money money.

Money I don't have. And if I did, I'd far rather spend it on a house.

Or, you know, other practical stuff. Like clothes. And books. And rose wine.

And speaking of rose wine, driving would mean less of that. (Me no likey that thought.)

But here's the clincher. Here's the reason you REALLY don't want me to ever consider learning to drive. You know how I suffer from extreme pavement rage pretty much anytime I leave the house? The anger I experience when someone stops really suddenly in front of me so I nearly run into them, or how when a cyclist nearly runs me over on the pavement I'm really tempted to push them over?

I'm worried this has the potential to translate into even WORSE road rage. Like if someone cut me up, I'd probably start to shake and sweat, and steam would come out of my ears and I would turn into some Incredible Hulk Paula person and expand in size and just burst right out of my car and start stomping around the street and picking up other cars and flinging them around in my anger.

I think I'm starting to get confused with King Kong here, aren't I?

But would you really want to witness that???

I think it's better for all concerned if I continue to be a pedestrian, don't you?

Okay, that's what I'll do. Thanks for your understanding. :)

Driving. Do you drive? CAN you drive? Do you have a licence but just don't drive anyway? Are there any licence-less people out there like me? Or am I all alone? (Waaahhhh!!!) So many questions...

PS There's a chance I'm still drunk from last night. This may have came across in this post. For that, I don't apologise. It's more fun this way. :)

Friday, 9 July 2010


Today. Just a typical day in my generally crappy life . . . .

  • I slept through my first alarm (I always set one to go off early so I can wake up and go back to sleep for a bit) but I am woken shortly after by Noisy Flatmate. She appeared to be having a chat on the phone. AT 5.50AM!!!
  • When I finally dragged myself up about half an hour later, I managed a very quick kettlebell workout (okay, I get one bonus point for the day.)
  • Although I was ready in plenty of time for a change, I made the mistake of putting on some music, dancing around my bedroom, and trying to give my hair a bit of volume.
  • I forgot I was actually meant to LEAVE the flat and go to work at some point.
  • Before I left, I also tried to change my twitter picture. It didn't work, so I spent most of the day as a green birdy. I don't like being a green birdy. Not that I've ever been one before (unless it was in a past life. But still.)
  • For the fifth day in a row, it was too warm to walk and my make-up melted. And that carefully mussed-up hair? It looked like shit by the time I reached the office. Yeah, THAT was worth the effort.
  • Went to a presentation. Couldn't see most of the screen because the woman's head in front of me was blocking the view. Probably a good thing as once again I kept falling asleep, so at least the guy presenting couldn't see me. (Seriously though, we had the exact same meeting with someone else yesterday, there was no need for it today again!)
  • Spent the entire afternoon in a tiny hot room with my male colleagues, basically picking up piles of now-useless documentation and stuffing it into bags for secure shredding. I was too hot and couldn't help thinking of all the actual PROPER work I had to do. The afternoon also proved that a) I know precisely bugger all about films (they are all film buffs, compared to me anyway) and b) no matter how hard I try, I will probably always have precisely bugger all upper body strength. Boo.
  • We found a big box of documentation that should have been amongst the documentation I spent ages sorting out last week. Which means I'll now have to sort that too on Monday. Cue much inner rage and plotting to kill.
  • Spent a chunk of the day wondering where the fuck my monthly blob had disappeared to. It's now a week late. (And no, I'm not pregnant. Unless I have the gestation period of an elephant...)
  • Left work. Windy. Hair blowing all over the place. Tried to fix hair so I didn't look like I'd been caught in a wind machine. Pulled earphones out in the process. Tried to put earphones back in. Dropped mp3 player. Gave up and stuffed mp3 player back in back. Contemplating shaving my head. Decided against that pretty damn quick. I don't think I have the skull for it.
  • Marched home in a right tizz. Sun was burning but I didn't put on my sunglasses because that meant I couldn't eye-murder the shit out of people. (That's pretty much the opposite of eye-fucking, FYI!) I got a lot of satisfaction of dropping if-looks-could-kill glares on people who wronged me.
  • Went to Waitrose and once again, a pizza threw itself into my basket, along with rose wine and chocolate. It was NOTHING to do with me, I swear!!!!! (I made myself do another 20 minutes of exercise before I touched it though, honest!)
Fast forward to now though . . . my bad mood has vanished. I wonder why.

Oh I know, it was the reunion!!!!

Hello, Rosy, how I've missed you!!!! (I know it's been only four days but what can I say? It's true love!)

Please tell me someone has had as crappy a day as me today...

Thursday, 8 July 2010


I spend a lot of time on the Asos website, particularly the workwear section, as having a nice outfit to wear to work can sometimes make me look more forward to going into the office in the morning. Does anyone else find that?

Technically I can wear jeans to work all the time if I want but I'm not currently a big fan of jeans. Mainly because I'm refusing to buy anymore until I drop a dress-size or two, and my current go-to pair have been attacked by my thighs, as per usual.

Anyhoo . . .

I got my favourite work dress (which I also, in Zante, wore as a going-out dress, as per the picture below - I generally wear it with black tights for work) from Asos. This was the dress I was complimented on at Heathrow Airport on the way home from my business trip to London last month.

(My glass of Greek rose wine is admittedly somewhat blocking the view. Apologies. But I was THIRSTY!)

So we've established that I REALLY LIKE Asos. Therefore please assume the rest of this post is somewhat tongue in cheek.

I've noticed, that among all the lovely outfits, there are a couple of ones I just can't EVER envision myself wearing to the office. So let me highlight a couple of these choices:

I suppose in a way this looks almost like my dress - well, in terms of COLOUR. The one shoulder part and the shorts part . . . not so much. I definitely can't see myself getting away with this one in the office.

Technically, it's the waistcoat type item of clothing which is on sale in this picture . . . but if I went to work in the outfit underneath, Casual Friday would become CELLULITE Friday. (Because obviously the only VIABLE day to wear it would be Friday.)

This would be an immensely suitable outfit - if I was an administrator on a spaceship, that is.

Lovely dress but it's the white that bothers me. I am not normally a clumsy person (except when drunk, obviously!) but put me in white and I become a spill-monster. The dress would NOT stay white for long. (And is someone with such a filthy mind ALLOWED to wear white anyway???)

Playsuits = bane of my life. I am always seeing what I think is a lovely dress only to realise it's a romper suit in disguise. Not that I don't think they look nice . . . just not on me! And CERTAINLY not for the office. Cellulite Friday all over again!

I have hips. This dress has even BIGGER hips. I don't think it would be the best of combinations...

I can imagine people nervously sidling up to me to inform me gently that I appear to have ripped my dress. And their amusement and/or embarrassment when I inform them it's actually meant to be like that.

I'd more than likely put it on the wrong way around to be honest. With some tit tape, maybe it could work.

Although even LESS suitable for the office then.

I don't really need to go into work, I'm really a movie star from the 50s. Once I've finished lounging around in a black and white movie, I head into the office for a break and to show off my lovely pyjamas.

I know this is suitable office attire. In fact, I really like it. BUT . . . I was more confused by the fact it was described as "in the style of Lady Gaga". If Lady GaGa worked in my office, I don't really see her dressing like this, do you?

Now if you own any of these items (if you own the blue dress at the start, you obviously have great taste like myself, haha), I apologise. I actually quite like a few of them, I just can't ever imagine wearing them to work.

What do you think of these outfits? What is your idea of suitable work attire?

Wednesday, 7 July 2010


So for some reason last night, I didn't get much sleep.

It wasn't for a GOOD reason, trust me. I'm not good at getting to sleep generally. Even when I DO manage to fall under, before I quite get there I tend to have a semi-conscious mini-nightmare that has me awake and scared to sleep again. Like last week, when the mini-nightmare featured someone putting a voodoo curse on me where i wouldn't be able to get my body off the mattress. I actually woke up properly, on my front, unable to move for about five minutes. I think I was frozen in fear.

No wonder I don't like going to sleep.

So I amused myself when I couldn't sleep last night by playing with my new phone. Some random game called "Bistro Cook" which is the most pointless game ever - you are making fry-ups for people in a race against time (really strange combinations like fries and CABBAGE? Or chicken leg with tomato and bread.) All very odd. And yet strangely addictive. Go figure.

I got a half hour window of sleep between 6am and 6.30am and then it was time to get up.

I deal with sleep deprivation quite a lot, although as long as I get four hours I can generally make it through the day fairly easily. But I knew at some point during the day, when I've had less than that, there's always a window where it suddenly hits me and for an hour or so, I find myself becoming more and more droopy eyed. Usually the only thing that resolves it is me actually falling asleep for a split second. When I catch myself doing this, it frightens me back out of the tiredness.

It hit me today just after lunch. But it wasn't getting any better. I kept falling asleep for milli-seconds and it wasn't making a difference. I was too hot, I was doing heavy breathing to the point where one of my colleagues had to check i was okay.

Then I had a hallucination.

There was a random strip of cardboard curled on my desk in front of me, i think it was from tearing open a cardboard package from DHL. Somehow, before my snooze-filled eyes, it transformed itself . . . into a bra.

Into MY bra.

The idea I had somehow managed to leave my bra on my desk FINALLY snapped me out of my slump. Within a few moments, I was wide awake again. (And still am, seven hours later. I bet you I can't get to sleep again tonight. Hmmmm.)

What a strange thing to hallucinate about, right?

Does anyone else have sleep or mini-nightmares (or daytime hallucination) issues like mine?

Tuesday, 6 July 2010


I have so many ideas for posts at the moment, but not the energy to actually WRITE them. And I don't want to waste a topic when I'm not feeling capable of doing it justice. Wow, listen to me, I sound like I am normally to blogging what Jackie Collins is to the sex-oozing bonkbuster. (Maybe I am. Kidding.)

So I'm going to cop out with a bullet points type post for now, and you'll get a better one in the next day or two. PROMISE!

***Miss Smidge came through to Glasgow and stayed with me on Saturday night. We had pizza and much wine, before heading into the city centre for some MORE wine, some shots and some dancing to cheesy eighties music in one of my favourite places, Reflex. I didn't fall over (woohoo!) but that's probably mainly to do with the fact I took my ballet pumps along and spent probably a total of 5 minutes in my heels. Apparently we then went to McDonalds (I only know this because I found a McDonalds bag in the kitchen on Sunday morning). I don't remember this, or getting home. I passed out on my sofa. Smidge said she couldn't believe I had done that. I couldn't believe it either. There's never usually SPACE on it for me to SIT on it, let alone pass out!

***Consumed several bottles of wine in Lakota with friends last night. So much for not drinking during the week...

***Are you voting for LiLu to be the first MTV TJ??? If you don't know about it, go here. If we vote for her and she wins, then we can be all friends with an MTV TJ and shit. And say things to her like "You've changed since you've got famous!" (I'm sure she won't really change.)

***So the 'Berry is gone and has been replaced . . . and I didn't sell out and go for the iPhone like I was threatening to. I went for the HTC Desire instead. Which I'm already liking very much and am currently perusing the Droid Marketplace to see what interesting apps I can load 'er up with.

***Anyhoosy, I decided I want to name my phone. Is that odd? Personally, I think it's odd that considering how enamoured I am with naming inanimate objects, that I have never named one of my phones in the past.


Sunday, 4 July 2010


Following on from Thursday's post about the guys I wish were real (as in my real-life boyfriend) I decided I should also do a post about the fictional HEROINES I wish were real. The ones I completely believe could be my friend in real life if they jumped out of the tv into my room. (They'd probably be a bit confused about that, but I'd offer them some wine and they'd soon get over the trauma of my messy room.)

So . . . here goes!

Jules Cobb (Cougar Town)

Cougar Town is my new favourite show and I ADORE Courteney Cox's character in it. She's funny, neurotic AND she loves her wine. Just as much as I do. If we were hanging out, I'd need to make sure I had a MASSIVE supply of wine to keep us going, because I think we could get through it fairly quickly...

Elliot Reed (Scrubs)

Everytime I watch Scrubs and Elliot, she nearly always says or does something that makes me think "Oh my god she is (a skinnier, hotter version of) me!" Plus she suffers from verbal diarrhoea the same way I do.

Karen Walker (Will & Grace)

1) She likes her alcohol. 2) I'd like to shrink her down and carry her around in my pocket so she could entertain me all day with her one-liners. (What do you mean, I'm not allowed to do that??? I'd let her drink!)

***"I’m too tired to slap you. Bash your face against my palm."
***"No one in the world would believe you're straight. You fell out of the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And you landed on a gay guy... and you did him."
***"I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like 'maternal' or 'addiction'"

That's all.

Cher Horowitz

All she ever wanted was to make people happy and well-dressed. Is that such a bad thing???

Which fictional character(s) would YOU want as a real life friend?

Thursday, 1 July 2010


Sometimes I wonder if the reason why I'm still single is because I have this romanticised idea in my head of who Mr Right is based on the guys I like in TV programmes and films. No matter how much I tell myself "dude, get over yourself, they're fictional characters, for fucks sake", I just can't manage it.

Larry Paul

Since Robert Downey Jnr is one of my favourite men, it was inevitable that I would love the character he played in "Ally McBeal". In fact his only vices were 1) falling for ALLY and then 2) leaving in a really cowardly, crappy "we have to write him out quickly in case he ends up back in jail" way. Apart from that I just absolutely ADORED him. If only every girl could have a real life Larry Paul. That being said, we might all get our boyfriends mixed up in that case. THAT could be embarrassing . . .

Barney Stinson

I know he can never be mine in real life (because obviously Larry COULD be? Hmmmm) and I don't know exactly when I started to fall for him, but it was probably the point where he started to fall in love with Robyn. So darned adorable. And he's so funny. And SOOOO smartly attired at ALL times (remember the suit pyjamas? Friggin' hilarious!) Oh how I wish he was mine. Even if I know it would never last because he would TOTALLY cheat on me, the womaniser. I'd still love him all the same though.

Dr Jack Shephard

(No clip for this one sadly as all I could find on youtube were fanmade videos with soppy songs and they were annoying me. A lot)

The best thing about "Lost", and the only constant in a sea of confusion. Time and locations could change, Flashbacks could occur, twists could spring surprise after surprise on you, but Jack could always be trusted to save your life and flash his hot bod around. Sawyer was hot too, sure, but a bit too cocky . . . Jack Shephard = perfection.


The pie-maker from "Pushing Daisies" just gets my sullied little heart all a-flutter. I mean, he can COOK. He has the most adorable Jake-Gyllenhall-like eyes. AND, best of all, he hasn't brought me back to life, so . . . he could do ALL KINDS OF DIRTY THINGS TO ME and not kill me again by touching me. Yay!!!

Robin Hood (the fox)

Now this really couldn't happen in real life I guess. Unless I want to be known as "That girl who goes out with animals." Which is not a label I really want. Oh well . . .

Which fictional tv/film character would YOU like to be your other half?