My head has been all over the place the past couple days and I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me.
One minute I'm happy and can't stop smiling, the next I want to curl up in a ball and cry until I'm sick. I can't figure out what is shifting my mood so abruptly from one extreme to another, and I am absolutely sick of it. How can you make something better when you don't know what is actually wrong? How can you provide a cure without knowing what triggers your symptoms?
I've not felt like this in a few months now, not properly bad like this anyway. I lay awake most of last night, barely sleeping, dozing fitfully and on the many occasions between that I was awake, I was staring at the ceiling, but unthinking. I was too scared to think. Sometimes when I'm alone with my thoughts I start to think too much about the BIG things in life and then I get freaked out and can feel myself starting to panic, my breathing quickening until I have to sit up , struggle to slow my breath and calm myself down.
You know though, I take heart in the fact that used to go through phases like these a hell of a lot more. Even thinking back to when I was a teenager. I found diaries from my younger years, from high school, from uni days and from that unemployed period after. I wasn't as happy and carefree as I like to think I was. A lot of the time I was miserable and didn't feel like I fit in with anyone, or anywhere. At one point I lost several pounds in weight simply because I was too busy crying to eat.
I'm a far stronger person than that now. My "wobbly" phases are few and far between. I know that give me a couple of days, I will be back in my happy (for me) place. Perhaps once I've got some more sleep. I already feel more cheerful after having a girly night in with a couple of my friends. Perhaps by the weekend I'll be back to normal(ish). But I would like my insides to match the relatively happy, smiley exterior I project to the world (the real world, I mean!) as soon as possible!