Wednesday, 2 June 2010

MESSED UP . . .

My head has been all over the place the past couple days and I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me.

One minute I'm happy and can't stop smiling, the next I want to curl up in a ball and cry until I'm sick. I can't figure out what is shifting my mood so abruptly from one extreme to another, and I am absolutely sick of it. How can you make something better when you don't know what is actually wrong? How can you provide a cure without knowing what triggers your symptoms?

I've not felt like this in a few months now, not properly bad like this anyway. I lay awake most of last night, barely sleeping, dozing fitfully and on the many occasions between that I was awake, I was staring at the ceiling, but unthinking. I was too scared to think. Sometimes when I'm alone with my thoughts I start to think too much about the BIG things in life and then I get freaked out and can feel myself starting to panic, my breathing quickening until I have to sit up , struggle to slow my breath and calm myself down.

You know though, I take heart in the fact that used to go through phases like these a hell of a lot more. Even thinking back to when I was a teenager. I found diaries from my younger years, from high school, from uni days and from that unemployed period after. I wasn't as happy and carefree as I like to think I was. A lot of the time I was miserable and didn't feel like I fit in with anyone, or anywhere. At one point I lost several pounds in weight simply because I was too busy crying to eat.

I'm a far stronger person than that now. My "wobbly" phases are few and far between. I know that give me a couple of days, I will be back in my happy (for me) place. Perhaps once I've got some more sleep. I already feel more cheerful after having a girly night in with a couple of my friends. Perhaps by the weekend I'll be back to normal(ish). But I would like my insides to match the relatively happy, smiley exterior I project to the world (the real world, I mean!) as soon as possible!

16 comments:

  1. You are a super positive person, this wont last I am sure.
    Go the the grocery store and buy yourself a pineapple and then email me, you'll see what will happen ;)

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  2. I can relate to the nightime thoughts creeping in. It is amazing how lonely the night can be when you can't sleep. My daughter has trouble at night too. She has purchased every 1/2 hour sitcom out there and pops them in before bed til she falls asleep. Good luck. Hope you feel better soon.

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  3. I feel for you. I've been really down lately too. I know why I've been feeling that way though. Wish I could go back on my anti-depressants but my prescription ran out and I can't afford to go to the dr. to get it renewed. Or to refill them.

    Hope we both feel better soon.

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  4. I have 'funks' where I get really low and then come out of it and am very happy.

    Over the years the span of time when a funk appears is longer and the time it lasts is shorter.

    I have to say, it took awhile for me to notice the pattern and it was a bit scary. It sounds as though you have figured out it's a cycle and know you'll ride it out. But, wouldn't it be the best if you could just snap your fingers and be better?

    Pamper yourself. Be good to you. You need it.

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  5. I'm sorry that you're going through a rough patch.. Just remember to keep in mind that it IS a rough patch. Things will get better; your thoughts will eventually clear out.

    I'm sending lots of hugs your way!

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  6. You're not...preggers, are you?

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  7. I think we all go through these stages and it's normal. But I do hope you get your head straight soon! I know exactly how you feel!

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  8. Oh honey girl, that just sucks ass! I think you need to have giant sleeps and big cuddles (possibly from randoms, possibly from puppies) and hopefully that will help

    mwah

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  9. Oh no this doesn't sound good! Hope you're feeling more yourself soon, the good thing is that you know that you will turn a corner soon, you just have to ride it out for now. I think everyone has moments where they don't want to think because it seems like the thoughts are too heavy and too serious, I'm definitely having that kind of internal struggle at the moment.

    Hope everything rights itself soon.

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  10. Have you had your thyroid checked?

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  11. been there.

    It sounds like you are experiencing a mild anxiety attack, and some spells of depression.
    If it gets real bad, dont hesitate to email or bb me.

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  12. Oh P!!! I want to get a flight up to you and give you a massive cuddle. We all have funks like this (I know I do) and they are a complete ball ache....you seem like such a positive happy person..don’t let this get you down I know that’s also easier said that done). Have you tried taking st johns wort? It’s a herbal remedy that can really really help with these horrible periods

    Xxxxxxx

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  13. Aww, I can totally relate! I'm normally a very happy, positive person but I have definitely gone through my times of feeling down - even when there was no glaring reason to feel that way! It happens to us all. Just take time to do the things you love and whatever makes you happy (like a long bubble bath or writing in your journal) and I hope you feel better soon!

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  14. *huuuugs* Maybe you're having sympathy mood swings for me? I started on a completely new Pill the other week :/ x

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  15. Just catching up hon, sorry!

    Are you missing us all? Are you missing your rosey wine pals? I've been feeling down after this weekend, but then I'm shattered and when I'm shattered I find it easy to let things get on top of me.

    Give me a shout if you need to chat xx

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