It's not that I don't support the causes. I just find them damn annoying. And here's a handy guide on how to annoy me if you are one. Not that you need it, because you've tried all these already . . .
- Please always ensure you are in the path of wherever I need to be. It doesn't matter whether I'm heading for Argyle Street or Sauchiehall Street, you'll be there. Even in Byres Road, I can't escape you.
- Also make sure your timing sucks. Best time to approach? When it is raining. Or when I'm running late and in a hurry to get somewhere.
- Or when I'm in a bad mood. An OBVIOUS bad mood. Because I'm clearly going to be ESPECIALLY receptive to you then.
- Assume that, even if I'm on my phone, I still want to talk to you. Even though I'm just PRETENDING to be on the phone to avoid you, it's still downright irritating.
- Watch as I swerve to give your colleague a wide berth and then pounce on me. Y'know, since I clearly like you more than your colleague. Of course.
- Chase me along the street. I don't really like telling people to "fuck off" when others can hear me, but this obsessive type of behaviour WILL drive me to it. Pinky swear.
- Assume that because I came out of a posh shop, I am loaded and will OBVIOUSLY want to donate. Please note that the reason I was in the posh shop was because my sister works in there. I was there to see her, not buy clothes or a bag that cost 300 quid. The fact I am leaving the shop without any sort of purchase is evidence of that fact.
- Approach me when I'm standing there waiting for someone. A captive audience who can't really escape. (I once told a guy who approached me in this manner fairly politely that I did not want to hear another word from him and could he please go away and leave me alone. He was so surprised that he complimented my necklace by accident.)
- Get ANNOYED when I refuse to stop and talk. I don't actually WANT to hear your sales pitch.
- Represent more than one charity on a regular basis. Even if I WAS interested in hearing more about the cause, even if I thought you were passionate about what you were talking about, once I see you talk the same way about another charity while wearing a different coloured charity bib, I start to doubt your integrity. (On top of the whole getting paid to do it thing, obviously)
- Not accepting no for an answer is also a way to piss me off. It's one thing to be stubborn and strong-minded. Quite another to just be a bully.
This is a serious illness.
It could result in violence. Towards you.
I'm trying to help you here.
Honest . . .