I've always found letting people go pretty difficult. With my ex of five years, it was harder than most, as I had to let him go TWICE. First as a boyfriend. Then, after we managed to salvage a friendship from the remains of our relationship, I managed to screw that up too . . . so then I had to let him go as a friend too.
Yet deep down I haven't stopped caring about him. I don't have the feelings I did anymore . . . there's too much bitterness bubbling over now after all that has happened. But I still don't like to hear that anything bad has happened to him.
I found out today that his dad died over the weekend.
I hadn't even known he was ill. I knew he HAD been, a while back, but apparently he had been ill again.
I was unprepared for how much it upset me. When my friend told me, I was surprised to find myself actually struggling to hold back the tears. Partly I guess it was because I knew his dad - on my first date with the ex, I actually accidentally ended up meeting his parents. They were always very nice to me on the rare times I saw them.
But my heart is breaking for my ex too. He may not have spoken to me in three years, we might not have been together for five, but I just feel absolutely AWFUL for him. I can't even put into words how much this has affected me. I just know he must be absolutely devastated.
I wish he knew that I still cared. I doubt he would care himself if he DID know, but I just wish I could be there for him. As it is, all I can do is stay away and say a prayer for him and his family and loved ones.
I have to let this urge go, just like I had to let him go. But I just hope he will be okay.