Thursday, 4 March 2010

HOW *NOT* TO BE A GOOD PEDESTRIAN . . .

(Alternative post title: How To Put Make Paula Want To Murder You . . .)

Following on from the various How Not To posts I've covered recently (such as my recent How Not To Be a Good Train Passenger), I've been thinking of doing a pedestrian version for a while and various nuisances on my walk home today convinced me that now was the time. So here's my guide on how not to be a good pedestrian . . .

  • A destination? A route? Sorry, these words don't exist in your vocabulary. Who knows where you'll end up? Who knows how many people you will get in the way of? It DOESN'T MATTER. It's all about YOU!!! Remember this always, as it is key to the whole mentality of being pedestrian, okay???
  • If you see someone walking towards you, do your best to get in their way. After all, doing that fun little dance when you finally meet in the middle of the street, and can't decide which way to walk to get around them is just so much FUN! And it won't annoy the other person AT ALL!
  • When walking with people behind you, it is very important to occasionally, and without warning, just stop. Go on. They'll like it. Really . . .
  • If you happen to run into some friends and want to have a quick catch-up session in the middle of the street, make sure you choose the narrowest part of the pavement to hold this chat. Spread out as much as possible to cause the most disruption to passersby, talk loudly and, if you see an even more inconvenient place to stand, then GO FOR IT.
  • If you are walking with companions, ensure you spread out over the entire pavement's width. This way no one can overtake you and anyone who is coming towards you will be forced to take their life in their hands and walk on the road. It's okay. They won't mind AT ALL!
  • Oh and while you're at it, ensure that you walk as slowly as possible, and maybe incorporate the random stop technique into the whole thing. The key is to mix it up a bit. Always keep the other pedestrians guessing. It makes their boring lives far more interesting.
  • Randomly pick up your companion and spin them around a bit and then sort of THROW them at someone. (If you aren't sure how to do this, visit Glasgow Central station on a Saturday afternoon and watch the teenage emos hanging about demonstrate this technique with expert precision.)
  • Don't move out of the way for ANYONE. Why should you do any of the work? Let them walk AROUND you. Despite the fact that you are weaving randomly from one side of the pavement to the other . . .
  • Don't pay attention to where you are walking and instead concentrate on 1)lighting your fag 2)sending a text message or 3)a spot on the ground in front of you. Anything other than watch where you are going.
  • Use anything to hand as a fun WEAPON to "accidentally" swing at other people. Obviously, an umbrella is a good example, because then it can seem like an accident. Or how about a pet that you can't control (I realise pets aren't really weapons, but used correctly they can prove very effective at tripping people up, I've heard.) Or how about a buggy or pram? You can just push it directly at people and they will HAVE to get out of your way. SIMPLE!

Does anyone have any more to add? Anything I've missed? I'm sure there's more, but my brain appears to have stopped working . . .


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PS IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH!!! We have another girly bloggy/twitter meet-up planned for the end of May . . . and this time we're going to Edinburgh! Wheeeee!!! If you missed out last time, you can keep track of activities/express interest by following @GBMEUP on twitter. Will you be there???

15 comments:

  1. I AM SUCH A BAD PEDESTRIAN! But not in the ways you describe... I'm the angry girl marching behind old ladies muttering about pavement hogs and families that just HAVE to walk in a line. Grr.

    P.S Am going to be in Glasgow for an evening next week, waiting for a late bus... drink?

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  2. Am I detecting a hint of sarcasm? How about something that involves wheeling a travel case behind you at a 45 degree angle?

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  3. You know, it's odd but while the whole catching fire thing has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life, it seems to have cured me of my grumpiness (temporarily, at least). I've been quite cheerful throughout- go figure!

    Also, I'm sorry to admit that I'm one of those absent-minded walkers. I'm always looking at something like the sky or other people or a random sign. Having said that, I'm a speedy little thing and I HATE it when two friends take up all the sidewalk or the escalator or something. Greece is only just catching on to the whole 'stand on the right' thing.

    You live in Glasgow? I'm hoping to pop by in August!
    Britons and Americans are so lucky... there are, like, NO Greek bloggers.

    I wrote a really long note. Oops!

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  4. How fun about having another meetup in May - just in time to welcome Spring in properly.

    "Randomly pick up your companion and spin them around a bit and then sort of THROW them at someone."

    This just cracked me up. It would annoy me if it happened on a regular basis, but I would love to see it just happen once.

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  5. If you have a buggy and it isnt wide enough, why not load up the handles with loads of shopping bags, thus taking up the entire aisle of shops. This is made more effective if you run into peoples heels or look annoyed when people try to squeeze past.

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  6. I have walking dislexia. I'm a horrible walker. I do the dance thing. *hangs head down low*

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  7. Boy, I'm with "WannaBE..." I HATE those huge buggies, and the people pushing them who fail to acknowledge anyone trying to get by!

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  8. This is why I kick people.

    Seriously, never go shopping with me. I especially like kicking annoying bratty kids. They fly further.

    xx

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  9. One of these days you'll have to put all of your "how not to..." posts in to a big book. I'll line up to get my copy autographed.

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  10. Ahhh, these things are so true!! When people walk and text with their head down, it bothers me so bad. then while doing so, they will randomly stop with no care as to what is going on around them. There should be a book called "being a proper pedestrain for dummies or learning how to be a good pedestrian 101"

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  11. Bet you anything a lot of those points are done by teenagers. Noisy loud teenagers who think they're awesome and "cool" to walk in the street together and not keeping their voice to themselves.

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  12. Haha yes I think you've covered all the main points there.

    My favourites are the meanderers. Who have no apparent purpose and no apparent hurry.

    I tend not to go anywhere without a purpose. If I'm going shopping I know what I am looking for. I don't really do window shopping. So I don't meander.

    And I have long legs, I have to walk fast. MOVE IT PEOPLE!

    Ooooh meet up in May you say? I will have a check of things and see if I can make it!

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  13. I DESPISE the 'let's stand in the middle of the pavement, having a chat' bastards.

    And don't get me started on the charity volunteers... they're the reason I have to start bobbing and weaving along Argyle Street to try and confuse them so they can't stop me.

    Then there's those fuckers at Christmas time, with massive bags containing sharp-cornered boxes, and OF COURSE they have to just smack them into your leg as they're storming past you.

    This is why I try to just plough on ahead and pointedly say 'Excuse you!' if some tosspot bangs into me because I refused to move.

    Okay this got me slightly riled up, I'll wander off and calm down... lol

    x

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  14. Where I live it is all about the breeders (families) versus the non-breeders. So I would add to your list: Using your baby's stroller as a battering ram.

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  15. It drives me crazy when you're walking toward a group of people and they don't move, practically forcing you off of the sidewalk. I try to just keep walking forward and force them to bunch up. It's a little passive aggressive, but hey!

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