Tuesday, 16 February 2010


After the success of my "How Not To Be A Good Flatmate" and "How Not to Pack" posts", and after the various irritations I suffered during my train journeys to and from the Manchester Tweet-up last weekend, I thought I would put together the definitive guide to being the train passenger from hell. So off we go . . .

  • When you get on the train and find your reserved seat (or, if you booked last minute, a seat which ISN'T reserved), sit in the aisle seat and check the seat beside you to see if it is reserved. Oh it is? In that case, ensure you DUMP ALL YOUR CRAP ON IT.
  • THEN have the nerve to act put out when the person who actually HAD reserved the seat wants to sit on it. Make sure you show your annoyance as obviously as possible - especially since not only do you have to move your stuff from the EXTRA SEAT YOU HADN'T PAID FOR, you also have to stand up to let your fellow passenger past.
  • You've managed to find your allotted seat just fine. A fellow passenger (she's blonde, okay? And yes, the passenger was me!) is a bit lost and asks for a hand in finding her seat number. Despite the fact that the person WITH you is seated in the seat right next to the one the passenger is looking for, you look at her like she is mental and tell her you have no clue. (Thanks.)
  • You haven't got a seat reserved so you just sit in a random seat of your choosing - the only condition of your choice is that it HAS to be reserved. Warning: be sure to take the reserved ticket off the top of the seat. Because otherwise the person who actually had the seat BOOKED may cause a fuss - you know SINCE THEY ARE ENTITLED TO THE SEAT AND ALL!!!! What nerve, eh?
  • Ensure you sit across the aisle from your travel companion on a marginally busy train, making sure you each have an empty window seat to either side of you. Then talk loudly across the aisle for the entire duration of the trip, making sure that you talk about absolutely nothing that anyone else might be interested in. Oh and then you can also do the put-out act when someone actually wants to sit in the window seat. (There's soooo many opportunities for you to do the put-out act...)
  • JUST FOR FUN . . . choose a fellow passenger at random and stare at them intensely until they actually feel their eyes burning into you. People really LIKE to feel uncomfortable. Honest.
  • Ensure you bring something that SMELLS REALLY BAD to eat. Fellow passengers LOVE that.
  • When on the busy platform waiting for the train, walk along the edge of the platform as if you have a specific destination in mind, so the other passengers step out of your way. Then just stop right in front of one of them and wait there for the train. (What? It's not like the other person OWNS the platform! It's a free country and you can stand WHEREVER YOU LIKE. Probably not on the train track though, that might be stupid. Although other people MIGHT be considering pushing you onto it. But then, isn't that where the fun lies???)
  • If you get on at a stop and manage to find a seat on the busy train, do your best to annoy the person you have just sat down beside. Easiest way to do so? Gain control of the armrest between you. It doesn't matter if she (me) has been on the train for two hours already and therefore already HAD possession of the armrest. YOU JUST TAKE IT OVER. If it means hurting the fellow passenger in the process, or just shoving her off, do so.
  • If you have a bike, make sure you are the first one onto the train . . . and make sure you take ages to clear the doorway so that everyone else is held up in the process. Because cyclists aren't annoying enough as it is . . .
Can you tell I REALLY enjoyed my train trips??? ;)

Can anyone think of any others? This surely can't be the definitive list, after all . . .


  1. you forgot turn the R&B music on your crappy mobile phone loud enough for the rest of the carriage to hear it!!

  2. Don't use deodorant. This one has been plaguing me throughout the hot summer for the last few months. I swear, stinky people are drawn to me!

  3. Haha! Some people are so inconsiderate!

    Make sure you move about in your seat as much as possible... preferably kicking the seats behind or in front of you.

    Fart... or burp and blow it in others directions.

    Shoot up before you get on the train... ensure you smell like you haven't showered in days... and fall asleep leaning on the stranger beside you.

  4. Go to the stinky, urinal cake, nasty bathroom on board and than leave the sliding door open when you return to your seat so everyone else can smell it too.

  5. Train passengers from hell indeed. I would need to kick someone if I were you :p is there any loud kids there? Possibly crying toddlers? :p

  6. Good points! Did you have all of those happen to you?…that’s bad luck

    When on the 'quiet' train full of hangover, trying not to be sick passengers (i.e me) make sure you turn your ipod up really loudly despite all of the signs telling you that the carriage is QUIET and so no mp3 pliers’ allowed so the passengers hoping to have a nap have to hear your crappy music through what sounds like tin cans, or have a really loud conversation on your mobile or alternatively why not bring with you your portable dvd player and watch films REALLY loudly laughing hysterically also very loudly on the QUIET carriage…and when someone gets narked off enough to go down the carriage pointing out that this is a QUIET carriage an all of the signs saying so look like they have just shat in your lap, turn it down for a few minutes whilst they go back to their seat again and when they are nicely settled in turn it back up.

    I also had a couple steal my reserved seat on the way down and a woman starting at me for the full 2nd leg. I honestly thought she wanted to stab or rob me.

  7. Make a fuss when someone who has very long legs (me) actually physically can't retract them any further and then kick them as you walk past.

  8. Aaah the joys of train travelling. Have done more than my fair share of train journeys in the past I've learned something about seat reservations. Don't bother making them. They're more hassle than they're worth. Just turn up early and get on a seat that hasn't been reserved!

    The smelly food one is good.

    My favourite is when the train pulls up to the platform and everyone immediately STANDS IN FRONT of the doors so the people trying to get off have nowhere to go. People seem to think trains are like tubes and the doors are suddenly going to close in their faces and leave without them. This turns them in to absolutely morons. STEP BACK PEOPLE!

  9. OH OH OH.. when I caught the train back to London from Glasgow, I had to stash my suitcase at one end of the train, and when we pulled in, I waited until the train was almost empty to go and get it because I AM UNCO WITH SUITCASES. There I said it! So I was waiting for ages, and a guy and his kid were sitting up ahead of me, down the way I needed to go to get my luggage... so when I stand up, he stands up, and we meet awkwardly in the aisle, and he says to me "Can't you just go the other way?", and I just blankly said "My bag is down that end.", and I waited. Because I am one of those annoying people who doesn't care if you have kids or not. Especially when this kid squealed and screamed the whole way from Glasgow. Then the guy acted like it was a massive inconvenience for him to have to sit back down and let me past.
    I am one of those annoying train passengers, I think. But it still bugged me that I'd gotten up first, was on my way, he saw that - then stood up and made me feel like I was in his way just because he had a kid.

  10. You get a little sleepy and decide to catch some shut eye. Lean your head on the shoulder ofthe passenger beside you and snore LOUDLY. Extra points for drool.

    I ride a commuter train every day. I've got enough train horror stories to write a book.

  11. Wow! It's been several years since I've taken the train, your post makes me remember the not-so-good ol' days!!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  12. I've never had to take a train, but if I ever do, I hope I never have to deal with any of this kind of stuff!

    The nerve of some people, I swear.

    I love reading your posts; they always give me a good laugh :-)

    Have an awesome week miss!

  13. Oh man, you are speaking my language -- these things always happen to me on trains! The one that offends me the most is smelly food. And loud foods as well!

    On a ride to Connecticut a few months ago, I was stuck sitting next to someone who ate two tuna fish sandwiches and pita chips with homemade extra-garlicky hummus. And he chewed the pita chips with his mouth open! It was so loud it sounded like a handful of screws going down a garbage disposal!

    Glad you survivted the trips, at any rate! :-)

  14. If you have multiple children w/ you, one of which is in a stroller, do not bother folding up said stroller and storing it away. Just leave it directly in the middle of the aisle so that NO ONE (not even anorexic women) can squeeze through that mess. Because you know, you don't want to be put out by having to store the stroller for the 2 hour train ride. Also, while your at it, speak at an annoyingly high volume to the women who are sitting right next to you the ENTIRE trip. Everyone wants to hear your conversation about dumb shit. :)

  15. Wow, everything I used to hate about taking the train to see Boo has just come RUSHING back to me! But I feel a little bit better knowing that trains the world over are ridiculous.

  16. Was the armrest hogger a guy? My sister and I notice this happens all the time with men on planes.

    I love to hear stories about rude travelers - don't enjoy being in the story, but love hearing about them because it makes me know I'm not alone.

  17. Hows about brush your teeth! And take a bath! ahhh im lucky i don't use public transportation!

  18. I had a hilarious train journey once - I was sat at a window seat, and soon found myself surrounded by three Cockney ladies of a certain vintage, who then proceeded to take out bottles of vodka and gin and get very merry! Needless to say I was swept up in the fun, but I know how annoying it would have been to anyone (and indeed EVERYONE else!) Though it did kinda make me think - I am one of those girls with her headphones on, not talking to anyone else - it was quite fun to meet new people! (Even if it did end up with me talking to one of the gal's nephews while she poured herself another strong one!)

  19. I think I will avoid trains

    btw we took stuff

  20. Make sure you find a girl (or boy) half your age and show them pictures of yourself without a shirt on. If they seem uninterested continue to hit on them. When they try to find another seat, make a scene. When they try to "sleep" to ignore you take their phone and put your number into their phone along with a picture of your cock/tits.

  21. I hate obnoxious train passengers. My train has three seaters and when I get on the morning, it's already quite full, so I have to join a three seater. I always say excuse me and instead of just sliding over the person gets up and makes me sit in the middle and then get annoyed when I literally get off two stops away!

  22. Sounds eventful! I really couldn't be trusted to put up with all that shite on a train journey - this is why I'm suggesting we get flights to Belfast instead of a bus then ferry lol :P



You wanna leave me a comment? Come on, you know you want to really . . . ;)