So I met my lovely mum for lunch today. We headed to a venue down by the Clydeside near my work, since we only had an hour.
One lovely catch-up session later, one of the waitresses came to collect our plates. As we tried (several times) to ask for the bill, she neglected this and said to me:
"I can't remember your name but we used to be flatmates."
I didn't recognise her immediately as she used to have blonde hair and now she was dark but I am generally quite good with faces so it came almost immediately. "L-----?" I asked.
Phew. I got her name right. (I don't really like revealing names on here, even when it's people I haven't heard from for five years)
We exchanged smaller-than-small talk and she seemed rather surprised when I revealed that I was STILL living in that flat. The same flat she'd vacated five years previously.
After she walked away to get our bill I tried to explain to my mum what a nightmare she had been. My mum, however, remembered us seeing her in Byres Road before and me saying it was a good thing she hadn't seen us.
(I also forgot to actually remind her of what my name was. If she was me, right now that would be driving me CRAZY. I HATE not being able to put a name to a face...)
Don't get me wrong, she was a perfectly nice girl. But she was a NIGHTMARE flatmate.
Me and V used to always get wound up about the mess in the kitchen. She would agree. "Oh yeah, it's awful. I mean, I am REALLY BAD for cleaning up after myself, it takes me AGES to wash a dish. But this mess is out of control."
(Er . . . was that not really a way of her admitting it was mostly HER Mess?)
And then there was the memorable night, circa 2004/2005 that I was kept awake for the entire night by her bringing a guy home and talking to him non-stop for about seven hours. I discovered her two favourite bands were Shed 7 and S Club 7. Could those two BE any further apart in terms of genre?
Let's face it, apart from sharing a letter and number in the title of their band/group name (and all being English), they don't have much else in common.
She literally spoke for seven hours. I don't think the guy she brought home that night ever came back here again.
CAN WE BLAME HIM???
Oh and after she moved out? We kept getting police citations arriving in the mail for her. Surely THAT can't be a good thing???
But then, she wasn't the worst flatmate I had, when I think back. Even the ones recently that have pissed me off . . . I SHOULD be used to it by now.
When I look back, my roll call of GREAT FLATMATES is limited. V, Amy, Mich, the two Ms, B, and Anna. That's pretty much it. Out of about 20 (possibly more?) flatmates in this flat . . .
Let's look at some of the previous offenders . . .
There was the girl who used to give me a row about everything. Like when I accidentally put my washing powder in the part of the washing machine where the fabric softener should go.
Er - hello? It took me three weeks just to work out HOW TO SWITCH THE WASHING MACHINE ON!!! Really, whether or not I put the powder in the right or wrong place was irrelevant to me by that stage.
That same girl ALSO came into the living room one day and forced me to change the channel from "Hollyoaks" to a report on the news about how hard it was to buy property. Why am I complaining?
1) I didn't have a TV in my room
2) I LOVED Hollyoaks (and still do)
3) She DID have a TV in her room
4) She had just BOUGHT A FLAT AND WAS MOVING OUT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME
5) She punctuated the whole report with smug comments such as "Thank GOODNESS I bought my flat when I did."
When she moved out? I wasn't unhappy.
Or how about Freeman?
The only male flatmate who has ever stayed here. He was in his thirties and had came over from China to study. He had only been married for a year. Apparently his wife had wanted to come too. He hadn't wanted her to, so she hadn't. He said he liked it that way.
One Saturday I came home from my boyfriend's at the time to discover that he had invited what appeared to be most of the population of Eastern Asia over for dinner. Actually, that's an exaggeration. Why?
1) There were about 30 Chinese and Japanese people in my flat. Which obviously is not the entire population.
2) He was not MAKING the dinner. THEY were. THAT'S why he had invited them over.
Personally I was raging because every surface was covered in food. WHERE WAS I SUPPOSED TO PUT MY FROZEN PIZZA????
On another occasion, he put a bowl of rice in the microwave, not realising the timer on the microwave was not working. Twenty minutes or so later, there was a bowl of coal in the microwave.
AND . . . the one that actually makes my blood boil . . .
One night I ran into him in the kitchen and he called me by V's name. I gently corrected him. After all, we'd lived together nearly six months, and talked plenty of times. V has (or HAD) darker hair than me and was considerably taller. His reponse?
"You all look the same to me."
Oh no he DIDN'T!!!
(But he DID. He went there.)
That's just TWO of the prime offenders (apart from former flatmate of today). I have others. I even have a NOTE one of them left me. I just can't FIND it right now. I hope I haven't chucked it out, I really do. Because flatmate notes are always hilarious in some way.
So you can be sure this might come up again in conversation. That's pretty much guaranteed . . .
Who's the worst person YOU'VE ever lived with? What did they do?