Tuesday, 12 January 2010


So over the weekend, I was reading this book called "It's Not Me, It's You" - it is essentially a self help book about dealing with break-ups, but rather than spouting lots of self-visualisation crap and so on, it actually is a fairly matter-of-fact font of advice with humorous accounts of loads of people who have been dumped. There was some ridiculous stories in there. I think it's meant to make people realise that they're not the only ones who have been there.

By the way, I know it's been quite a few months since I've been dumped but it looked like an amusing book.

And I'm sure NEXT time I'm dumped it will come in handy.

That sounds very defeatist of me, doesn't it? But in most of my relationships I have been the dumpee. It was only my very first relationship where I got to do the dumping. I'm not sure why this is. I can't explain the way the minds of the guys I've been involved with work.

(If I could I would probably be far more successful with guys.)

Let's consider the evidence . . .

There was the guy who decided to stop coming to work and then just never called again, finally getting one of his friends to tell me it was over. The guy who told me he loved me and then within a couple of months dumped me because he wanted to be on his own - he was with someone else within a few months (and still IS with her, as far as I know.) The guy who told me he just didn't want a relationship (recurring theme?) and was on match.com within a matter of days, as far as I can see (and when I confronted him about it, told me he was just looking for friends!). F, who arranged a date with me one night then didn't contact me for a week, finally texting to say I was looking for too much from him and he couldn't commit (considering we had been on nine dates in six months, I don't think I was looking for too much!). Then the guy from the Hallowe'en party who went on one date with me then headed straight back to the ex.

Great track record, huh?

I've said before that I do feel that I am better off single. I'll say it again. I like my own company. I like having freedom to do what I want to do. I can't really imagine ever living with a guy.

Reading that book too . . . well, it re-confirmed that for me. I read stories of girls that thought everything was fine one minute and then the next . . . it was over. No explanation. No apology, Just - The End. I was appalled at some of the accounts I read. It made me wonder if I could ever trust ANYONE again. Especially when I look back at my own experience.

I've spent most of my life single. I've spent three out of thirty years in relationships and, looking back at that time, I wouldn't say any of them were particularly GOOD relationships.

Maybe 2010 will be my year. Maybe my soulmate will miraculously appear. Maybe not.

I like to think I will eventually meet someone that is worthy. I actually think I have a lot to offer a guy. But I don't really want to waste my time in that eternal cycle of getting involved with someone, getting attached, getting dumped and then having to spend time getting over it. It's just too emotionally exhausting!

So . . . that's it really. I just felt like getting all that off my chest. In the meantime, here's to being a happy, healthy singleton!

What about you guys? Single? Attached? Happy? Unhappy?

I'd love to know . . . :)


  1. I'm a happy healthy singleton, too!
    Mine is a recent break up.. I was actually in a long distance relationship with a guy from your neck of the woods! Glasgow. It was one of those 'didn't see that one comming' things, but really. I'm not sad about it. I learned pretty quick that I lost a part of me in that relationship, and it happened to be the part of me that I really liked. SO I'm glad to have that back, and to be without him. I'm better without him, and far better off without him too.

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  3. Single..... Am I happy??? in general, but not so much about the fact I'm single...

  4. Attached and sickeningly happy. However, I do remember the feeling of just enjoying my own company and I still crave that sometimes - and my other half knows that every now and then I want to book in some me time.

    I found the best bit of being single was that you knew you weren't dependent on anybody to be happy. For me, that independence was so cherished!

  5. Attached and happy, although very nervous about it considering he has finished with me out of the blue - twice!

  6. I think we all spend time wishing we were single when we aren't and vice versa.
    It is completely unnatural to expect two members of the opposite sex to live happily together I think. Or is it?

    Oh I don't know, trouble is, casual relationships and F*** buddies are ok now but what happens when you are like 60+? You can't have such "acquaintances" then surely? I think we all just want to be loved. We are perhaps happy alone for the majority of the time but we long to give and receive affection.

  7. Reading this was like reading a post about my own dating history. I've always been the dumpee, apart from my very first boyfriend (karma?). My last relationship ended with him telling me that he wanted to marry me, us making life plans (bleurgh) and him declaring his undying love for me. Then he dumped me two weeks later and cut me out of his life.

    I'm happy with my own company too but sometimes I do get 'the fear' that I'm never going to meet anyone else.

  8. I am single and okay with it--most of the time. I was married for 26 years. some things I miss, but others I don't.

    Steve--I am 56 and I have an "F&*%" buddy who's 60--so yeah, us geezers like to get it on too. [I can hear all you 20-somethings going "EWWWW." Get over it]

  9. Single and happy -- just a few months out of a very loving, very happy four-year relationship. Actually, if I can be a little more nauseating, The Ex and I are still pretty much best friends. But this is my first time being single as an adult, which seems like an important thing to experience.

  10. Is there such thing as a floatter? An inbetween?

  11. Amen, sista! I love being single. I do hope that I get married one day but I have no idea if it'll happen seeing as I've been in one relationship in my 26 years. But I love being independent and not having to worry about anyone else and just living my own life.

  12. Happily single! I've been out of my last relationship (lived with the guy) for a year now, and it's been lovely! Of course, there are always those times when I wish I wasn't single, but those wishes aren't intense enough yet to sacrifice my freedom. :-)

  13. i'm attached, but not in the "we're getting married and having babies" sense. we're serious and we love each other - but the above things deserve a whole lot of time and consideration. i was quite happy with my own company before this relationship came along - loved having all of my time be mine and the freedom of not considering anyone else in my plans.

    and everyone seems to forget - however sad one might get from being alone/lonely - you WILL have hurdles and obstacles with a significant other that will also be upsetting - it's not the key to unending constant joy :P

  14. No explanation is the worst. Blah. I never let a guy get away with no explanation because if there's one reason I was told to get into journalism was because I investigate and ask questions to a fault (I think my question-asking has been the #1 irritant of past boyfriends).

    I'm pretty obviously happily committed to my husband....though I think being able to be happily single for a time was indeed necessary!!

  15. I was married a long time and didn't start my single days till 35 and loved every minute of it. I didn't have to take into consideration any one else's opinion and just did things.

    I traveled, hiked, kayaked and traveled more.

    Eventually, I started dating and had one guy kiss me and then cry (he wasn't over his ex - freakish) and I was the first person he felt something for. I told him to get his life straight.

    I dated a bunch of duds and eventually met my hubby.

    As much as I hated dating, I did love the freedom to explore me during the time I took for me.

  16. Hmmm..well I am single and I wouldn't say I am terminally happy, but I have my moments. My divorce was final several months ago, but I have been out and separated for over two years. I live a rather sequestered life, so I do not date much. I really don't subscribe to f*** buddies although I am a very physical person and miss that part of companionship I am always worried that I will be using someone just to satisfy my needs and I don't think that is either kind or fair, but that's just me. Sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming, but in those moments I just focus on improving myself and go forward. I have only ever been the dumper twice in my life and both times it destroyed me having to do it. Usually I am the dumpee.

  17. Happily married (for 34+ years).

    I see the same behavior(s) you talked about amidst friends from age 25 to 60+, so it doesn't seem to be a generational thing. Some people meet and bond deeply and others don't - and if I could figure out who and why I could make a fortune selling advice. {*grin*} (Not to mention spending a lot fewer weekends listening to friends cry in their beer about the relationship that just failed.)

    Wishing you a good voyage on the relationship boat.

  18. I feel like I def. need to read that book. The title of your post had me CRACKING up because every once in awhile I write a similar post...ohhh, us girls! Silly, silly.

    See you tomorrow for Where In The World Wed! :)

  19. I don't think relationships are for everyone, not in their twenties anyway. I think the 30s are the new 20s, the 40s the new 30s on so on. You'll find someone, at the right time in the right place - maybe that time just isn't yet! Whenever it is, you're better doing what you're doing right now - having fun!!

  20. Have you seen "He's just not that into you"? I know it sounds cliched, but I think when you can learn to just say to yourself "You know what, he's just not that into me", and move on, then you've really made it. Of course I'm not there yet either - but any guy that isn't 100%, head over heels into you, just isn't the one. And if we (oh I am totally grouped with you on this one) start making THOSE guys the one, then we are bound to be disappointed.

  21. married though writing that makes me flinch. not that i'm unhappy i just question the whole marriage thing. so to answer the married and comfortable

  22. I love this! It's exactly how I feel about dating!

  23. Girl, I could have written this exact post. I have a hard time keeping a good attitude about my single status, but for the most part I feel ok about it... most of the time.. I think.

  24. Definitely single.

    *Until* you meet that guy where hanging out with him? Feels exactly as comfortable as hanging out alone.


  25. I love Lilu's comment. That's how I feel about my hub. :)

  26. "But I don't really want to waste my time in that eternal cycle of getting involved with someone, getting attached, getting dumped and then having to spend time getting over it. It's just too emotionally exhausting!"

    I agree but if you dont join the cycle, its like your not giving yourself a chance. If that makes any sense.

  27. Maybe this is a topic for a whole other blog post - but why don't people just tell the truth about why they want out? Just say the chemistry isn't there. Otherwise it looks weird when all the excuses come out. I know people hate confrontation and they hate hurting other people's feelings, but I think the truth is easier than lies.

  28. I loved this post... I was a serial monogamist for years, and I have now been single for 7 whole months (the longest I've gone in 6 years) But now, I've suddenly become a commitment-phobe! It's the damndest thing I tell you! I've been on a million dates with hot, sweet, guys, and then I run...fast...and I'm bad at the "let down" so they usually hate me for it....ugh.

    So, now I've been in cahoots with one person for 4 months now, but it's complicated...isn't it always?? I may need to come to you for advice on foreign men...apparently there is a cultural barrier between the UK and US that I was not aware of....oh dear.

    thanks for stopping by my blog dear! I'm def. looking forward to reading more of your stuff!

  29. My answer started getting a bit long so I started my own post.

    Happy and attached is the short answer!

  30. I'm like you. Been single my entire like except a few idiots have found a way to play me. I'm single & unhappy. I had a guy lead me on for 3 & 1/2 years & then when I called him out on it about him and me cuz he had found someone new he said, "So?". Maybe I should give this book a look-see.

    Thanks for your comments girl the past few days. Your so nice. *hugs*. I like your blog alot because your so real & I can totally relate to you on so many levels. Can't wait to read more of your posts! =)

  31. Thanks for your comment on my poem! Obviously, I very much need to read this book!! My 2 and 1/2 year relationship with my ex ended in August and I am still not over it, ugh. I need to move on already but it's so hard to when I go to the same school and see him often.

    Anyway, I am glad you are happy in your current single state. I'm sure it won't last much longer. It never does when you are content with your singleness :) This year is definitely your year.

  32. I am unhappy and single.

    I don't have a great track record either.

    At the moment I am just throwing thoughts to the side and having fun at University for the last few months of this year. I'll let you know if it changes.

  33. Short answer: Happily married!
    I hope you find someone, not that you have to get married but I think it is nice to travel through life with someone BUT that someone has to be the RIGHT one for you, just keep waiting and be picky, don't settle!

  34. I'm happily married but sometimes I miss my singleton days ... I miss my independence!

  35. You really do have a great blog here. I have a blog myself which brings inspiration and guidance to people all around the world. Life is hard enough, and I hope my site can contribute anything positive to someone's day.

    I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around between each other. Please let me know if this is possible. Until then, keep up the good work.


  36. It has the most obvious self help book title. But I swear it is really funny and really makes sense
    Why, men marry bitches.

    I dont usually read these books anymore but this was was so easy and fun to read

  37. Ooh I have a couple of good ones.

    There was the guy that I was seeing for a couple of months when it came to Christmas. I debated about whether to get him a Christmas present but decided not to incase that seemed too full on. He did get me a Christmas present. cue embarassment. And then literally 20 minutes later broke up with me saying that he "wasn't emotionally available." Erm....what?!

    Then there was the guy that I'd been seeing for a year and a half and thoguht was the love of my life. I went over to see some friends in America and whilst I was there I got e-mails and texts and phone calls saying that he missed me, wished he was with me, loved me, couldn't wait to see me. Then THE DAY AFTER I returned from holiday ended things, saying that he just didn't think he was ready for a relationship. Talk about out of the blue! 2 weeks later he was with the woman I'd always known was after him.

    I hope it hasn't made me too cynical and cold hearted but I know that even though I'm very happy with my boyfriend there's a self defence mechanism that never allows me to get tooooooo comfortable because I'm all to aware of how quickly it can end!

  38. I'm single. And on a happiness-scale, I'm somewhere in-between depressed and ecstatic. I'd say I'm quite content, I suppose. There's so much I want from life at the moment, and so many uncertainties that I don't want to fall in love at the moment, tie myself down and never experience all that I wanted to! BUT then there are days when I just want to have that companionship, have someone there to cuddle. And, well, the physical aspect of it as well! I'm not that into the whole casual relations-thing, you see..


  39. I was single until Saturday night. But when it rains it pours. I was at the pub to check out the bartender when I met my new bf, and I even told him so.

    So it really will surprise you.

    Just make sure you're trying new things, open to whatever and just have fun. Then it'll surprise the hell out of you.

  40. Cool story as for me. I'd like to read more about this topic. Thanx for posting that info.


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