Friday, 29 January 2010

HOW *NOT* TO BE A GOOD FLATMATE . . .

Based on nearly seven years of experience, I feel I can give good advice on this . . . So, to quote Shania Twain, "let's go, girls . . ."

1) Act like you are the only person who lives there
If I'm the only person who lives there, I can be as much of a douche as I want . . .

2) Your music can NEVER be loud enough.
You THINK it's as loud as you can get it? I'm sure you can find supersonic speakers or something that will make it louder. Go on - I know you want to...

3) Dishes WILL wash themselves
Just make sure they are as DIRTY AS POSSIBLE.

4) Door slamming is ESSENTIAL!
Otherise how do people know you're in the flat???

5) Take other people's things.
It might be something they don't notice readily - like a bit of their milk - or something they WILL NOTICE - like a big chunk of their expensive (gift!) Molton Brown bubble bath . . . but whatever it is, you need to make sure you don't put it back where you got it from so the person KNOWS you stole it! (Otherwise where's the fun!)

6) Never buy toilet paper. Because other people will ALWAYS Buy it if you don't. We're all human after all. We ALL have to wipe our asses.

7) Make sure you time your toilet visits with every point you know your flatmate MIGHT POSSIBLY want to go in there. (It's nice to be somewhere that's in demand, right?)

Any other contributions???

24 comments:

  1. Ugh!!!!!! It reminds me of when I had roommates (as we say in the United States!). My worst roommates were two guys--they were so messy.

    Later i had another female roommate who couldn't seem to remember to flush the toilet.

    At one point, I may have been the bad roommate because I liked to borrow clothes without asking (sorry - we were the same size).

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  2. Urgh. I'm right there with you. I know you have loads of flatmates, and i have four roomates myself. I would fist bump you for every one of these things. Can we also add letting other people sleep in my bed when I'm out of town to the list? Ewww.

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  3. 8) Sleep with flatmate's former boyfriend/girlfriend - Really. You're being a friend. How else would they know if they were truly over him/her?

    9) Drip menstrual blood in communal bathroom - Consider it a marking of territory.

    10) Take in a stray but pretend that you didn't, preferably one with claws and irritable bowels - The reasons for this are pretty self-explanatory.

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  4. it kind of goes along with Miss Spoken's number 9...except my roommate's really bad about tinkling on the seat...How she does it I've no idea but it's disgusting. Plus on top of NEVER buying groceries she eats my food, and never ever puts a roll back on the empty toilet paper holder. Plus I'm always responsible for cleaning out the fridge and taking out the trash. I'm almost positive she's never done either things.

    I hate having a roommate, but mostly I just hate sharing a bathroom!!!

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  5. I feel ya, sister.

    I would like to add acting like your roommate has the Bubonic Plague when they have a cold an in effect walk around the place with a can of disinfectant and Clorox wipes to make sure everything you touch is no longer infected.

    Really makes you feel even more AWESOME on top of having sinuses from hell and sandpaper for a throat.

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  6. Oh no!

    I have the worst roommate of all time, and she's my MOTHER.

    She stomps around on the wooden floors above my bed in HIGH HEELS in the morning when she knows I'm sleeping. Blasts music like a teenager. Barges in at the worst times to borrow things. Constantly moves my stuff, and puts it in the weirdest places that I will never be able to find. UGH!

    But I have to love her, and she buys me pretty things sometimes sooooo...

    I think it sounds like you're ready to move!

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  7. Sounds like you've got some quality housemates there.

    I've got a couple to add to the list...

    When you're headed up stairs after everyones in bed.... stomp as loud as you can on the wooden boards.

    If another housemate brings a new friend around,make sure your totally totally rude and obnoxious or ignore them completely while lying on the couch sulking watching TV with it blaring.

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  8. days are not for speaking. To stress your matter more efficiently and make your point very clear, speak during the night. There's a nice echo in a very quiet flat and everybody can hear you.

    Don't wash your sheets. Ever. Make sure that you sleep on silk sheets for at least six months so that the smell of sweat, smoke and general bumfluff drifts to the hallway and every time the flatmate walks from her bedroom to the bathroom or the living room or the kitchen or outside, she can take a loooooong whiff of your superhuman master-pong.

    Never take out rubbish but move it from your room to the hallway so that everybody can see what kind of amazing amount of crap you can produce in a week. Eventually the trashfairies will take the bags away.

    oh, the joys!

    xx

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  9. i sense some pent up frustration? let's add some to the list from prior experience
    1. letting your little bro and his friends drunkenly sleep in your bed while you're away and then lie about it when your flatmate asks why her pillows are re-arranged (the flatmate is OCD about people in her bed...aka that's me)
    2. go shopping in your flatmates closet, try a bunch of shit on, and leave it in a pile on their bed to re-organize, OR borrow it without asking, and spill booze on it
    3. wear head to toe outfits comprised of your flatmates clothing AND accesories, including the expensive ass watch her grandmother gave her
    4. have sex in the bed NEXT to your flatmate bc "oh...I thought you were drunk"
    5. eat alllllll the ice cream your flatmate's mom had SHIPPED AND DRY ICED from ANOTHER STATE for your flatmate's birthday and then deny it, but then your flatmate will find your dirty bowls stashed in your desk....

    wow, i feel better now...

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  10. Nothing about paying rent late every month?

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  11. Befriend the local crack dealers. Have your new friend have a psychotic episode in your front window.
    Trust me.. your life isn't complete until a crack-head has gone batshit crazy in your front window.

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  12. Just reading this makes me wanna kick one of your flatmates, I hope it's ex-flat mate by now?

    Another annoying tip? Get high, all the time. Smoke em all up and let the smell sticks to everything in the room :p or invite lots of boys every night and amp up the whoring around haha

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  13. I think Andhari must have shared a flat with one of my old flatmates :-)

    Invite dodgy blokes back who will sit in the kitchen the next morning, smoking and eating everything out the fridge that belongs to your housemate!

    Also, always be using the washing machine when your flatmate desperately needs it (even though you've done your laundry four times already that week)

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  14. I totally vented in a previous comment but my additions would be:

    - The bin will empty itself. Keep stacking it till it overflows. That way your housemate will be more motivated to take out the trash.

    - Work somewhere smelly and don't shower when you get home.

    - Leave skid marks in the toilet. Your housemate won't mind.

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  15. Wow, you have a crappy Flatmate and then the comments I read, boy, people have had some serious awful roommates. The only thing I could come up with was taking long showers right before you needed to shower but I have to admit I had 3 great roommates my one year in college and then I got married, now I could list things about my hubby (LOL)

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  16. Gah I was going to say about never taking the rubbish out but people got there before me. Damn me for being late.

    Trying to think of some more...

    Hogging the TV remote and only watching TERRIBLE programmes. (And I'm not fussy, I can't get through a Sunday if I haven't watched my Hollyoaks)

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  17. I'd add to the no TP buying, not buying any other communal items: soap, dish detergent, cleaning products.

    And not just eating your food but letting - no encouraging - their friends to eat it as well.

    And finally - letting that friend they met while backpacking in Europe spend three and half weeks living on your couch!

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  18. I love this list!

    My contribution: While most flats have self-cleaning ovens, you should go ahead and assume yours has a self-cleaning floor. Enjoy those flour fights with your girlfriend in the kitchen! Of course they'll magically clean themselves up!

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  19. So glad I don't have to live with anyone but Hubby!

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  20. As I've lived with 19 different people at various times throughout the last seven years (7 girls in a 4 bedroom is never a good idea, by the way), I'd say I'm an authority on this one. This list is neverending.

    However, I'd have to say that when I shared a bathroom with a boy, his using my razor to shave is man parts was the be all, end all of bad roommate behavior.

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  21. Don't forget to use up alll the hot water with a 30 minute shower in the morning and possibly in the evening too to ensure you will always have an ice cold shower.

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  22. Gah! Luckily I've never had to endure flatmates but I have friends who share houses and some of the stuff that happens is beyond rude. Eg stomping in drunk at 3am, not doing any washing up and banning others from using THEIR FRIDGE because golly, they bought it. You should totally devise a way of getting them back somehow (I know, that'd make you just as bad, but hey - where's the fun?)

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  23. this post makes me glad i never had a roommate!

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  24. Dude, my stupid roommate actually lent out my comforter to her weekend guests. I came home early from visiting Boo and my comforter was sitting on the couch. I had left it on my bed, with stuff on it too, and she took it right out of my room and lent it out. TO STRANGERS I HAD NEVER MET! Augh!

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