Sunday, 15 November 2009
BETTER OFF ALONE . . .
It seems fitting that I accompany this post with the song above, its namesake, which is approximately 10 years old.
Why? Because I realised at 19, before I had really had many interactions with the male of the species, that I was probably better off alone.
Any interactions I have had ever since have proved it.
Boyfriend number one, the only one I ever broke up with, who told me about two weeks later, desperately, that he loved me. I found out later he had snogged one of my friends that same night. They went out for far longer than we ever did.
Boyfriend number two, who liked to tell me how much of an ass he had been to girls. At the time, I thought this was an admission of guilt. After I was dumped through a friend, I realised that he was boasting more than anything else. And I was just, to quote Gwen Stefani, "another ex girlfriend on the list." (Yes, I really SHOULD thought of that before we kissed.)
Boyfriend number three, the only one I truly believe thought he loved me at any point. The only one I thought I might love back. The one I lost my virginity to. The one who hates me now.
Boyfriend number four. Who was never really a boyfriend, just in my own head. Just a fling, since he already HAD a girlfriend. Who I'll always regret. I never wanted to be a person who encouraged someone to cheat. I just have to hope he regrets that MORE than I do, given that he was the one who had a significant other waiting at home for him.
Boyfriend number five, who didn't want to admit I existed. Who didn't realise how much it hurts to refuse to hold your girlfriend's hand in public, to panic when you THINK you see someone in a pub that might know both you and your girlfriend. I might as well have been seeing a dude with a girlfriend all over again. (Perhaps I was and didn't make the connection).
Boyfriend number six, a guy who I worshipped in high school and who ten years later admitted he worshipped me too. Yet, after that first heady month of constant texts, dates and facebook chatting had no longer any time for me.
And now Cute Guy who let me down unexpectedly and badly.
Back when I was 19 I decided I would probably be on my own for most of my life. I accepted this fairly happily. I know that I am probably never going to find "the one". It just doesn't seem to be on the cards for me. Even a year ago, I realised this - back when some random from a party asked me out and I realised I was pickier than I realised . . .
I'm not being defeatist here, just realistic. Even if I DID find the perfect guy, who wasn't embarrassed to be seen with me, or didn't want to get back with an ex, I'M going to fuck it up.
Simple fact of the matter is, I generally want to be alone.
I HATE to have to rearrange my life around other people.
I'm far too SELFISH to want a relationship.
The thought of being married chills me inside. Not because I don't like the idea of being with one person forever . . . but because the idea of LIVING with someone else, of having to SHARE A BED WITH THEM . . . freaks me out bigtime.
Right now, I'm happy just sharing my queen sized bed with myself and whatever crap I can't be bothered removing from it before I fall into a drunken stupor.
Maybe one day the one will come along.
But I'm giving up waiting on that happening.