Thursday, 7 May 2009

HIDING THE CRAZY . . .

The level of insanity I display to a person depends on how well they know me.

People who don't know me from Adam (isn't that a stupid expression? I really shouldn't encourage people by using it myself, but hey-ho . . . ) probably think I'm pretty quiet. I can APPEAR to be quiet to them. Unless I'm drunk. In which case they may be accused of necrophilia or, in the case of last weekend, asked if they're an escort. (Jesus, I need an off switch sometimes. Or at least something that stops me from just blurting out whatever the fuck comes into my head.)

If they know me slightly better they may be subjected to my occasional random bursts of loud singing (if I know it annoys people, I'll do it more!), my backseat-driver-road-rage, or my insanely worded text messages, emails and random post-its.

But only my true friends get the real me. The paranoia, the tears, the constant over-analysis of every little thing. Particularly when it comes to guys I like.

My poor friends.

The guy, on the other hand, doesn't have a clue. He sees the crazy side of me, sure. He knows about the silly things I've said when drunk. And hell, I've said enough silly things to HIM (although a lot of them were during that first crazy facebook chat we had when he was just a guy from the past that I used to fancy - how was I to know we'd meet up again and he'd remember them.) I told him about how I had recently had an inadvertent target of snogging one guy a month, and about the possibly underage guy I had snogged one guy before him. I told him about getting caught at a party with a guy's hands down my pants. I asked him if he enjoyed his pee on our first date. If guys had been looking at his penis in the toilets on our second. He says he never knows what's going to come out of my mouth next. (No dirty comments on that one, okay???)

But I guess in a lot of ways I DO censor myself around him. I don't tell him that I'm worried about not knowing where I stand with him. That, while I don't really mind taking it as it comes, I do have a bit of paranoia that I'm just a stop-gap. I don't tell him how much the way my previous relationships ended has scarred me. I CERTAINLY don't tell him that the fact I didn't hear from him for nearly two days had me a nervous wreck. And that even now I received a text message from him, I am STILL feeling more than a little wary that he's had a change of heart.

I think sometimes there's only so much crazy a girl can show to a guy she kinda likes. Especially this early on . . .

Am I right here???

9 comments:

  1. I'm not sure - I think the longer you bottle it up the worse it sounds when it finally bursts out. That's what happened to me, and I admit now it would probably have helped to be honest from the start.

    What would I do next time? I really don't know - I hope I've learnt!

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  2. oh man my best friend is going through the same thing and yeah it is hard to balance how much you want to show at the same time come of as the cool aloof kind of girl

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  3. My last boyfriend had been a good friend for a couple of months, and had certainly been subject to a lot of crazy coming out of my mouth. I also suffer from a lack of a brain-mouth filter. When we then got together I did think "Oh God, what has he heard me say?" But I guess in the end it was part of what he liked about me. So I stopped censoring around him.
    I'm sure you'll get to that stage too :)

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  4. I prefer to reveal the crazy pretty early on and then they either run and I deal with it, or they stick around and all is good. because I know they like me even though I'm insane!

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  5. After all the rest of the crazy he may not bat an eyelid about things like you being worried. He might even show extra care because someone that crazy being worried about something must mean it's important :)

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  6. You snogged an underage guy?

    ...

    Awesome! He'll remember that forever. You'll be like a goddess in his head.

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  7. I think everyone has that vulnerable side and he's prob has similar thoughts. So far not censoring has worked in your favour, I say let out the crazy. It's endearing.

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  8. I tried to protect MH from it. That lasted all of a few weeks, and the lid came off. Which was fine, because he found it endearing. I figured the chances of that were one in a million. Now that we're married, he doesn't *always* find it endearing, but he can hardly claim false advertising! ;)

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  9. I'd say it is. After all, apparently confidence is attractive?? (and I am good at pretending I have it way more together than I actually do)

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