If you missed part one of your lesson, please go here.
Okay! Hopefully you're all caught up and ready and raring to go? (Rhetorical question. You made it here, you're obviously eager to learn.) So what now? What else do you need to know if you want to fit in with us Scots? I have more important teachings to impart, don't you worry . . .
SOME OF THE "LINGO"
First of all, it's probably essential for you to know a bit about the language. Like I said in my previous post, we DO speak English up here (well, some people speak Gaelic too, but I know bugger all about that, so let's stick to English, shall we?) But it may not entirely be an English you understand . . .
1) Right, so why don't we start with that old classic - "Och aye the noo!"
I can honestly say I have never heard a Scottish person say this with a straight face. There seems to be this perception we're walking about all over the place spouting that shit.
It is, however, acceptable to say "aye" instead of "yes".
Not always considered POLITE though . . .
2) Occasionally, words will be pronounced in a COMPLETELY different way from what you would have expected. For example the verb "standing" all of a sudden becomes "stawnin'", much as the noun "hands" transforms itself into "hawns". "Now" is "noo". "Cow" is "coo".
a)my parents were teachers
b)I had five years of elocution lessons as a teenager and
c) frankly, I feel a bit stupid talking like that because it's not really natural to me . . .
. . . I personally don't actually talk like this. But I can just about UNDERSTAND it when other people do.
Hopefully, EVENTUALLY, you might too . . .
3) The word "bawbag" appears to be fairly popular. I've never been entirely sure what it actually MEANS though. Because I've heard it used in several different contexts and calling someone a "scrotum" seems to me pretty offensive in terms of insults . . .
4) Something I've noticed in both myself and several of my friends, is a tendency to use the word "pure" a lot in places it really doesn't fit. For example - "it was pure amazing." There is absolutely no need for the word there - it is completely redundant (much like the second half of this sentence). Yet we use it anyway. Don't judge.
5) A few insults you may like to fling at people? (apart from the aforementioned "bawbag", of course!) "Numpty". "Muppet". "Nugget". None of them are particularly offensive (in theory). But you'll get your point across. Oh, and my own personal favourite with sums up a particular breed of irritating (but harmless) person? "Fanny".
6) And since you'll probably be drinking a lot, what with all the whisky, how about some words to describe your drunken state? "Blootered." "Steamin'". "Moroculous." "Smashed". "Pissed". (Or, my own personal favourite - "passed out on the bedroom floor". Hold on, that's not Scottish, that's just me . . . )
THE OLD FIRM
Football (not the american kind, I'm talking soccer) is big in Scotland. But Glasgow has its own little - er - SITUATION you should be aware of . . . The Old Firm. More often than not in my living memory, Celtic and Rangers have battled it out for the top spot in the Premier League. Unfortunately, it's so much more than that. Due to all this history shit that I can't be arsed to go into (mainly because I really don't care enough to go and look it up) a big deal of the rivalry isn't so much to do with the skill of the footballers but instead a bit of a religious war between the Catholics and Protestants. So when someone asks which team you support, beware of your answer. Because it's not always a good idea to proclaim you're a Celtic supporter in the middle of a pub full of Rangers fans. ESPECIALLY if your team won that day. (Now THAT'S just suicide!)
There's loads of sectarian crap that goes on, and various people have told me how some Celtic fans refuse to wear blue and some Rangers fans hate green purely because they are the other team's colours (which apparently means the colour itself must be biased to the other religion as well, of course!). My mum works in a Catholic school and says that some of the kids refuse to use blue stationery. I mean, COME ON!!! It's going a bit far there, right?
You might notice the subheadings in this post are green. That's because yesterday the subheadings in my post were blue. So I don't want to be biased.
(Go Celtic! Ooops, pretend I didn't say that . . . )
SCOTTISH COUNTRY DANCING
As a schoolkid who didn't particularly like Physical Education, this was the bane of my life. In the run-up to Christmas every year, our P.E. classes would be devoted to Scottish Country Dancing. Which meant - ew! - dancing with BOYS! Which meant - even worse! - lining up against the wall waiting to be PICKED by a boy. And occasionally - nightmare of all nightmares! - having to go and pick a boy ourselves, which usually resulted in rumours that you fancied them. It was truly horrifying. And there was no way to escape!!!
I'm not very good at dancing as a twosome, in any sort of style. And I'm REALLY not a fan of ORGANISED dancing. So Scottish Country Dancing is NEVER something that has appealed to me. Some of the dance NAMES are kinda funny - "The Gay Gordon", for example? But the actual dancing itself??? No thank you!
For some unknown reason, ceilidhs (a grown up version of PE class) seem to be very popular here. I always avoid them like the plague. Why would anyone put themselves through this as a grown-up . . . WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO??? It truly mystifies me.
Although maybe it's more fun when alcohol is involved? I'm not really planning to find out.
That's me for now. But there's still more to come, for sure. The strange breed of Scot that is the NED, for example. Why our meal's names may confuse you. And, speaking of food, how about some of the strange things we eat . . . apart from haggis???
And if there's anything you've always wanted to know about Scotland . . . feel free to ask. I can't promise to know the answer (I've already proved I'm probably not REALLY an authority on my own country) but I'll certainly try my best to answer you!