I've been awake since five a.m. Now, Christmas Day has always been the one day of the year I willingly wake up early. But today it was partly because I had already had way too much sleep after my passing-out incident last night. I started trying to go back to sleep around about half past midnight and it was just impossible. Not only was I no longer remotely tired, I just couldn't get comfortable and was tossing and turning. Also, my brain just wouldn't switch off.
Eventually when I DID fall asleep, I dreamt that I ran into one of my teenage crushes, who had been travelling (in the dream, I don't think he'd been travelling in REAL life, but I COULD be wrong) and we'd ended up falling in love. We didn't actually have sex in the space of the dream though. Which was weird because, as I said to one of my friends the other day, most of my dreams involving guys in the past year or so have involved pretty much just sex! It was weird to have one that didn't. I'm not sure if that means anything.
One thing's for sure though, despite the fact that it kinda sucks NOT to be with anyone at this time of year, I really am not ready to be in a relationship again. I think it was these kind of thoughts that were keeping me awake for so long in the middle of the night. This time last year, I was in what I thought was a happy relationship. At that time, it WAS. I don't think I'm imagining that, or looking at it with a rose-tinted view. It's a shame it didn't last, but more than anything, like I've said before, it's the fact he gave up being my friend that's the killer for me.
But anyway, I've done my best to move on. I've developed the odd crush here and there, although nothing particularly epic that made it worth trying to be more than that. In the past six weeks or so I've went from one extreme to the other in terms of my own experiences, by snogging first a guy six or seven years older than me . . . then ,more recently, a 21 year old.
In a way, it's nice to be able to have the choice to do these things if I want. I have no idea who I might end up with next. But in other ways, I guess my behaviour, the fact I appear to be making the worst choices boy/men-wise of my life perhaps is covering up a truth I don't particularly want to think about.
But whatever. It's Christmas, a day of celebration! It's not even eight a.m yet (which means for some of you, it must still be Christmas Eve - hope you didn't waste yours like I did!) and the whole day is stretching out in front of me. The schedule will go something like this:
Think about actually getting out of my bed. Eventually do so. Perhaps then have a bath? That would be nice.
I'll have something to eat - I haven't actually eaten since I had a couple of slices of Dominos pizza supplied by my work at half twelve yesterday afternoon. I'm thinking something toast related would be good. French toast perhaps? Or mashed up hard boiled egg on toast. Or toast and pate. All good choices. (All three perhaps?)
Later in the morning I'll open the presents I have received from my friends. I'll try and make that last a bit as that will be me dried out present-wise until I go to my parents later (I'm alone in my flat right now - weirdly, I love being alone on Christmas morning.)
My dad (or possibly my brother) is coming to pick me up at 12:45ish to take me to my parent's house in Hamilton. This is where things will maybe be a bit odd as obviously it's my Granda's (and obviously our) first Christmas where my Gran won't be there. Last year she was clearly not very well and I remember wondering momentarily if she would be around for this one, but I honestly never really thought she wouldn't be. I always felt a little bit like she could possibly live forever. But there you go. I think my sister will get a bit emotional about it - she was a bit jittery the day we went to my Granda's to go through her jewelery, so I imagine this will be worse.
I've actually realised too that I haven't been back home all year - which is a bit odd given that my parents only live about ten miles away. I mean, I've SEEN my folks but I've just not went to Hamilton to see them. I always find it a bit odd being back home because even though I lived there for 23 years of my life, it's no longer really MY home if you know what I mean?
Anyway, alcohol will more than likely be had, we'll open our presents and have dinner. We rarely have the traditional dinner, sadly. Mainly probably because my mum doesn't like chicken or turkey. They'll take me back home later on in the evening and I'll spend the rest of my Christmas alone once again, watching whatever looks good on the telly. Possibly having another bath. I like my Christmas Day baths, could you tell?
So that's going to be my day in a nutshell. Hopefully we'll all have a great time!