Friday, 7 November 2008


When I was a child, like most other children, I always wanted a pet.

Any type of pet would have made me happy, I imagine. Snakes and spiders aside, obviously. (Ew, a shiver runs down my spine just thinking of having to look after something like that!) My friend who lived down the street had a rabbit called Magic. It would have been fun. I wouldn't even have minded cleaning out the hutch. Several of my friends had cats - I wouldn't have minded one of them - easy to look after since they're independent and all. (I've since revised my opinion of cats though after the last two I was remotely friendly to made my eyes swell up for several days but back then I didn't have a problem with them.) I wouldn't even have minded a GOLDFISH or two. Better than nothing! One of my friends had a dog called Muffin, though. She was a Lhasa Apso and was actually the cutest little bundle of fur you ever did see. I was dying for one of my own.

But no. My parents never let me have a pet.

Probably a good thing. I can barely look after myself. But back then, I was extremely sad about this.

It means when people ask me what my "porn star" name is (based on your first pet's name and your mother's maiden name) I had NOTHING for a first name. I had to use my first teddy bear instead and, let's face it, Cuddles Tonner does NOT sound like the kind of person you would find starring in "Explosion . . . in your Face." It was just EMBARRASSING.

Now I KNOW what I should have done in order to get a dog.

I should have, first of all, ensured my parents had been born in the USA. This would serve a dual purpose since it always seemed a more fun place to live than Scotland anyway.

Then I would have encouraged my dad to run for president. Now, I realise this may be a slightly unrealistic dream but I'm sure my dad would be a good president. He ran for a place on our schoolboard when I was in high school and he had a far better reason as to why he would be good for the post than anyone else - well, I think he did, at the time he used lots of big words I didn't understand but it sounded impressive to me. Also, because he was a university lecturer before he retired this summer, he's obviously used to talking in front of people. And he's a very clever man.

So if he had put his mind to it, I'm sure he COULD have been president. And a very good one.

But anyway . . . once I'd convinced him to run for president and he'd done all the stuff president wannabes need to do and managed to win the election . . . then I'd FINALLY get my dog. "But it's TRADITION, daddy," I would wail. "The White House ALWAYS has a dog."

Things could have been so different . . .


  1. Hahaha! Well, at least you have creativity, if not a good pornstar name.

  2. I like cuddles tonner.
    I know my stripper name is Liv Samson, childhood street name and first pet.
    Uhmm my porn name would be samson nantadecha....not so sure about that one

  3. Tee hee! Great plan for a dog, but would you *really* want to be the President's daughter? Growing up in the public eye? Threats to your life etc? Yuck!

    My porn first name would either be "Blondie" or "Rusty" as we got them at the same time (ah - the naming skills of children). Blondie's more fitting, but Rusty is quite sleazy sounding. LOL.

    Maybe you could get a goldfish now?

  4. Haha - when Obama mentioned the puppy promise to his daughters I was even MORE excited than when he was elected (my priorities are wack)!
    I love puppies!!!!!

  5. Apollo billings here, not bad for some porn.

  6. It begins with pets, has a porn star middle, and ends with the president. Can you imagine a better blog? No? I can't either!

    Nice one!

  7. Ha Ha Great Post!! my stripper porn name Diva Strand! Childhood pet and street where i grew up! LOL doesnt sound too attractive!!


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