Friday, 28 November 2008


For my 28th birthday last year, one of my friends bought me "The Rules".

An interesting read in a it's-a-load-of-bollocks-but-you-can't-stop-reading-it kinda way. Car-crash reading, perhaps?

I'm not sure why I don't believe in it. It's not like I'm a massive feminist but it does annoy me how much these rules seem to completely fly in the face of feminism. It's like they're saying "if you don't let the guy do everything, your relationship will be over before it has even started".

Is that really the case, guys???

One of the rules, for example, states that the girl should not approach the guy under any circumstances. She has to wait for him to come to her. Why? Because otherwise she may have set off a chain reaction of events that wasn't meant to happen. The guy will give into the girl's advances and end up seeing her but he won't really care cos he didn't approach her first and therefore the relationship is doomed to failure. Seriously. This is what it says.

Surely that can't be true in all cases???

Then there's the one which says that the girl should never phone the guy. It should always be the other way around. This is not only how we apparently keep them keen, it also is a way to punish them when they aren't treating us well - in other words, if we think they're losing interest, we just don't answer our phone for a week.

There are case studies to prove it and everything!!!

(So it must be true . . . )

I can't help but feel that the first rule I mentioned and the second don't really sit well together, in fact they kind of contradict each other. But I can't think how to word why I feel this way.

The thing that worries me is that when I first read the book I realised I actually am a Rules girl.

By default.

Because it's not that I see not phoning someone, or ignoring someone until they make an effort, or not approaching a guy as some kind of tactic in the fight to prove someone is interested in me.

But because I am so worried that I might make a wrong move, that I might fuck things up. And I'm too damn shy half the time to do anything about anything.

It's no bloody wonder I'm single, right???

Perhaps I should get dating coaching . . . No???

Here's the top ten rules . . . if you want a laugh. :)


  1. Any girl who did that would get dumped pretty sharpish. I'd just assume she wasn't interested and wander off and find someone else.

    As for approaching the man - I've never gone over to make the first move ever.

    Sounds like a huge pile of yank bollocks to me....

  2. Well, I am an "approacher" and then I actually see the consequences because I think they think I'll do everything so they stop doing things? :S
    maybe...this time...I'm neutral, I do some things, but try not to do too much or express my feelings too much because this time I'm really afraid of getting seriously hurt.
    Anyway..I'm biting my nails..I'd really like to make a phonecall or send an e-mail but I have to hold on..why? tactics...exactly! I don't want to invade him :(

  3. The Rules are hilarious - I don't think it works on UK men, the whole dating game doesn't work the same way over here. English guys find it weird if you never call them or approach them to talk. Having said that, there is an element of truth to them in that they channel the natural treat them mean to keep them keen instinct. And I have to say there are some men who it's best to let do the chasing- it's not anti-feminist if you're aware of the game and how to manipulate it to your own end-game- it's like planning a tactical manoevre, but with more fun results!

  4. Daisy said it very well.

    I've been sitting in the stands of the dating game for over a decade now, but from what little I do remember, if it is going to happen, it will happen. All the rules and not rules and half rules don't mean a pair of fetid donkey's kidneys.

  5. I am sure the rules was written by an Asian person, most likely my mother.
    The rules is how most girls with an Asian parent is raised to believe is the way to go.
    The rules are bullshit, it doesnt work in this day an age.

  6. Those rules just don't sit well with me, if I had never approached my current boyfriend I wouldn't have set of a series of events which ended with me sitting here on his bed two years later browsing the internet and scowling at him because he isn't studying!

    Wow, that was one long arse sentence, but it does help illustrate my point.

    Not really.

    Yeah, anyway, what I THINK I was trying to say was...if you don't make yourself known to the guy, how do you ever expect him to call? How does he get your number?! Are we all going to sit by the phone waiting for imaginary men to call?! This book sounds loopy, I wanna read it! haha, it does have some appeal.

  7. red squirrel - yes. you kinda stepped on my point there . . . :p

    antonella - that's a good point actually, i suppose they DO come to expect you to make the first move etc cos you set a precedent by approaching them first.

    daisy - so true! on all points . . .

    michael - yep indeedy!

    chele - perhaps your mum should write a dating bible in that case. after all, "the rules" has sold in its millions . . .

    jacinta - it is actually quite fun to read, even if i don't believe in any of it. my friend who bought it for me says she also applies the rules to her work - i'm not sure how though!

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  9. Rules women sound like they probably have insecure personalities to me. Externally set structure really appeals to some people, meaning they essentially don't have to take as much responsibility for their own actions or how they really feel about themselves (and by extension, how others tend to perceive them).

    I'm not saying that they don't work, because undoubtedly they do, but with a few conditions that I likely wouldn't be comfortable about. Certain modes of behaviour are going to attract a certain type of man after all, and whether that type of man is really right for you is another question.

    I found the rule about marriage particularly funny. Boiling down a relationship as a means to an end (whatever you decide to define that to be) seems rather peculiar to me.

    I am one of those men who is useless at asking people out by the way. Doesn't mean I don't like them though.

  10. I would say no, no, NO! to "The Rules" - you can't approach a guy until he approaches you!? You may end up missing out on the best guy ever if you follow this, and whose to say that guys can't be insecure etc?!

    One thing the men I know have always told me is that they prefer it if women are straight up with them and don't play games (or the rules) ... of course I've also found what they really mean is they don't want you to play your games because they want to play theirs! ;p Aaah, men ...

  11. wow, this is an interesting post. I am with you that I tend to follow the rules my default. I am always too scared to actually make the move or come across as "needy" so I sit back and let them come to me. which they never do. we need dating coaches together!!


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