Wednesday, 12 November 2008


I love Christmas. One of my favourite things (apart from silly cheesylicious Christmas movies on the telly, having time off work and having an excuse to drink lots of alcohol) is the present part. I know, I know - I'm such a heathen. But fuck it, I LIKE presents. And I like giving them nearly as much as I like to get them.

Choosing presents is fun. Not nearly as fun as the part when you have everything wrapped and organised, and don't need to worry about it anymore, but it's fun. Looking through the internet for ideas, trying to select something you feel most closely matches the wants of the loved one. I'm just stressing my head off that I haven't even STARTED yet (last year I had most of my Christmas shopping FINISHED by now!).

Anyway, in an effort to try and remedy my extreme crapness this year and actually BEGIN my Christmas shopping, I have spent the past couple of lunchtimes googling "great gift ideas" and visiting gift sites in an effort to get some sort of inspiration for the ultimate presents. Neither of which most of THESE are . . .

For a start, courtesy of . . . What do I get the girl/guy who has everything and/or who doesn't really DESERVE a present?? Oh yeah, a lump of coal . . . but not just ANY LUMP of coal. Why? Because IT'S IN A TIN!!! Wow.

That's certainly the best fiver I'VE ever spent . . .

Now, a bottle of wine would be a good present for me.
Me likey.
Me likey VERY MUCH.
BUT . . . a bottle of wine TRAPPED INSIDE A PUZZLE???
Are you fucking KIDDING me??
You cannot expect to give ME a present like that and not have me hit you over the head with it.
Perhaps THAT will help free the bottle from the puzzle and make it far easier for me to drink . . .

A Margaret Thatcher nutcracker. Genius, right? Because I'm always thinking I need a nutcracker. And I really want the place to crack them to be underneath our former Prime Minister's skirt. Ew . . . .

Potential Secret Santa present??? Yay, a Naughty Weekend set. Wow, for 29.99 I can have ALL THIS???

N.B. DON'T buy this for me. Apparently the price DOESN'T include a partner. Boo!!!

Or how about THESE choice items from Find Me A Gift . . .

So does THIS one include a partner???
Apparently not. No point in me ringing for sex if no one is gonna come a-running, right???

Okay so it's cute. But would you REALLY want a desktop vaccuum cleaner for your Christmas??? (Actually some people might but not me!!!)

Scented erasers. Does anyone really use pencils these days anyway???

The world's cleverest idea, right? Sudoku toilet paper. So at what point am I meant to DO the sudoku? Before? After? Do I sit on the toilet until I've finished the puzzle, regardless of the fact I stopped peeing half an hour before? (I'm VERY bad at sudokus). Do I feel bad if I waste the toilet paper by needing to use it before I can DO a puzzle??? Man, I feel guilty already and I haven't even been GIVEN the stuff yet . . .

Oh and do you know anyone who has recently been through a break-up or divorce???

Well, then perhaps you should try this place for some inspiration.

Set of venereal disease plush dolls?

A wedding ring coffin?

A boyfriend arm pillow? (Actually that one sounds quite good. No judging!!!)

Or the ULTIMATE "Who Needs a Man?" wineglass? Excellent.

Rub it right in there, you coupled folk. Salt in the wound, and all that.

I recommend the dolls myself . . .


  1. Actually I think the soduku toilet paper is fab, but I AM special though..

  2. What about some of those coupons that you made for your parents as little kids in school?

  3. Wow no puzzles with wine... TOO COMPLICATED! Give me my booze!

  4. Haha I LOVE the arm pillow thing!

    My (very recent) ex and I had a long distant relationship, and I always joked he should buy me something like that to hug when he's not around. Little did I know it actually exists! Guess its a little inappropriate to ask for one now?

  5. The puzzle wine is the real deal. Yet, I would give a bottle that wasn't a puzzle along with the puzzle bottle. I am sure the more of the non puzzle wine that is consumed the harder the puzzle will be.

  6. I use pencils, but scented erasers just sound weird. Why would you want that?

    The wine in a puzzle sounds fun for about 10 seconds and then I'd be joining you for the perpetrator-bashing-session...

  7. NO no no we are not allowed to talk about Christmas presents yet! I have about another month until I'll have any time to buy them!


    That's a travesty of nature. I mean, there is something seriously wrong with the world if that exists. I mean, a cork is an obstacle enough.

    Actually, this kind of deterrent might be extremely healthy for me.

  9. I would want to free the bottle of wine with a hammer. Screw puzzles.

  10. okay, don't judge, but i've actually considered asking for the boyfriend pillow before (or the boyf, as its known to my friends). it just seems like it might be nice since my bf lives so far! haha!

  11. I would probably have another bottle of wine open while trying to figure out the wine puzzle anyway.

  12. I should so get the bottle of wine puzzle for my sister THAT would be a fabulous (but cruel) gift for her :o)

    lump of coal is just pure genius ooh and desktop vacuum!

    I am such a sucker for novelty gifts - no pun intended.. you know vacuum, sucker.. ok just forget it.. sounds rude.

  13. The Wedding Ring Coffin is great! I bought one for my girlfriend after her divorce. She put her wedding band in there and closed the lid on her previous marriage.


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