Thursday, 30 October 2008
CRUSHED . . .
I've realised recently, much to my own amazement, that I don't have a crush on anyone right now.
It's very weird. Insanely so. It seems I've always had at least a mild obsession with ONE guy over the years since I discovered boys. Occasionally I've juggled two or three or more crushes all at once, with varying intensities. I've had those immediate "fuck, he is HOT!" instant attractions; or the slow-burning ones when I perhaps had no attraction at first and then it grew. I've had both at once - for different guys, obviously.
I actually thought I couldn't really FUNCTION without liking SOMEONE. Like, it was a hobby or something, something to do, to obsess about. Like in school, planning my routes from one class to another so I could see the guy I liked at that point, detailing any encounters in my diary like a stalker. Or in uni, trying to summon up the courage to make conversation with the guy I liked then in the library. And ending up blabbering and stammering some rubbish like a total loser. Feeling like it wasn't even worth being at school/uni/the office on the day the guy I liked chose to be off. All that shit. Like school or uni or whatever wasn't actually for doing schoolwork - it was for me to eye up all the guys, choose my favourites and stalk them determinedly . . . while knowing deep down it was never going to happen.
The thing is, having a crush can be so bloody DRAINING. The highs (when he notices you, or speaks to you) are fantastic but the lows (when he doesn't seem to notice you're alive, when you find out he's actually seeing someone/a bastard/has some sort of kinky fetish or disappointing character flaw) are agonising. I have lost count the amount of time I have spent crying over guys I like. And this wasn't just when I was younger. I'd still been doing the same thing until recently.
But right now, I'm apparently crush-less. Which should be a good thing. I have time to focus on other stuff - my work, my family and my friends, my writing (hopefully!), finding new music I like, catching up on all the tv programmes I was waiting to come out on dvd before I watched and now have dvds piling up unwatched . . . It's like I'm finally free.
Yet weirdly I kinda miss NOT having a crush. I don't miss the lows, that's for sure, but I miss the highs. I wonder who my next crush will be. Perhaps it will be someone I already know, another one I didn't expect to go that way. I suppose I can only wait and see . . .