Tuesday, 30 September 2008

WHY I'LL NEVER BE A REALITY TV STAR . . .

The world before reality tv took hold was a nicer place. Right? Now I feel like I'm sometimes trapped in tv hell - except sometimes I WANT to be there, it's just that I have better things to do and yet can't escape.

First it was "Big Brother". Man, I used to love that. I know there was other reality tv shows before that but, let's face it, it's at the forefront. It looked like so much fun - to me, it seemed like the ideal way to make new friends. I never really thought of what happened after they got OUT of the house. Then other shows began to emerge, hanging on BB's coat-tails. "American Idol", "Pop Idol", "X-Factor" . . . shows to make you a star, whether it was a supermodel, fashion designer, actor, comedian . . . They just keep coming. All those shows based in airports, or on airlines, or in hospitals, starring real life people going on with their real life jobs. Or how about the shows which purvey to be reality tv but are pre-empted by a disclaimer along the lines of "some scenes have been created for dramatic purposes" - hmmm. You know the ones I mean, huh? Like "The Hills" or "The Real World".


I can put up with most of these, to varying degrees, and have done for several thousand years now. The only reality tv shows that HUGELY get on my wick are those which feature so-called "celebs". Like "I'm a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here" or "Celebrity Love Island" (which in its second season was so full of non-celebs, ie celebrity sons or exes that they had to drop the "Celebrity" part from the title) or the celebrity version of "Strictly Come Dancing". It's all full of washed up celebs, glamour models, and wannabes. Who then somehow become famous again as a result.


Anyway, I shall step down off my soapbox now as a rant about crappy (and occasionally still addictive!) reality tv was not the intention of this post. Here is what is:


I've been told in the past by people that I would be great on "Big Brother". Ha. Seriously, a less true statement could not be spoken. Despite being recently told I am an attention seeker, this is not the case. Why?



  • I wouldn't even make it past the audition stage. Hell, I can barely make it through a group interview type situation because I can never get a word in.

  • If, say, I MANAGED to somehow, by some unbelievable fluke (like everyone who had more of a chance than me miraculously becoming ill) to make it through the audition process, I would then go into my "boring person mode" - ie. not having anything to say. People would turn off the tv in their droves, scared my non-personality was going to bore them to death.

  • I don't sleep well unless it's really dark.

  • I can't survive without reading materials. I would actually DIE OF BOREDOM myself.

  • I can't spend too much time with other people. If I don't get time to myself, I might turn to murder.

  • I don't have the kind of body where I could parade around half naked all the time - and I wouldn't particularly want to.

  • I have absolutely NO DESIRE to have people (ie cameras) watch me on the toilet. I don't care what I'm doing, be it peeing or worse. I'm notoriously pee-shy, and what the HECK happens when you're on the blob??? I'm not going into further detail with my worries here . . . *

  • I couldn't survive without fizzy juice. What if we had no money for it on our shopping list and no one else wanted it? Or what if they withheld it from me, KNOWING how much I wanted it??? I've seen that happen to people in that house before. Big Brother, after all, IS evil . . .

  • I really do NOT make a pretty picture first thing in the morning. I have a tendency not to remove my make up before going to bed. So I wake up with make up smeared on my face and a birds nest on my head that Russell Brand would be jealous of . . .

  • When I was drunk (which is inevitable) I would say something IMMENSELY stupid which would cause me to be hated by every person in the UK. I'd go from boring to controversial in one drunken sentence!

  • I wouldn't want to do any of those humiliating tasks that are usually forced upon the housemates. If I'm going to make a fool of myself, it has to be ALL ME (and alcohol).

  • I would probably end up drunkenly snogging someone and end up branded the show slut.

  • I can't do confrontation. If someone yelled at me, I would cry. A lot.

So basically I would be the housemate who is boring, constipated, alcoholic, constantly-saying-the-wrong-thing, desperate hoe-bag MESS and you know what??? I think I would prefer to keep that image of myself private.


Oh bugger, I've just told all of you about it though! Oh well . . .

Let me distract you with this week's installment of "Cheer Me Up Tuesday" - I've had a pretty crappy day today which wasn't so much due to the fact it was Tuesday (for a change!) and more to do with the fact that I felt completely like a fourth wheel in a team I've been in for nearly two years. Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you're being actually PUSHED OUT, be it subconsciously or not? That it doesn't matter how hard you try, how much you work, everyone else is just appreciated more than you are??? THAT was my day, constantly. I spent a big chunk of it angry and another chunk of it trying not to cry. Anyway, here lies some toilet signs from around the world. Here are my favourites, hope you like them!!!



*I know that they won't show the footage of you on the toilet unless you were, say, peeing on another housemate. But they have to have the cameras on you, and that would just make me nervous . . .

8 comments:

  1. I couldn't pee with a camera on me - hell no. I think they just have microphones in the bathrooms and smoked glass mirror doors so they can see your shadow. No actual cameras.

    I hope that's how it works...

    And those bathroom signs? F*cking hilarious

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  2. I too used to heart Big Brother, and then it turned into the same " chicks with big boobs/ guys who like chicks with big boobs " show - boring!

    I watched again this year though because there were two girls from my hometown on the Australian version. I kinda sucked in again but guess what ? BIg Brother has officially been canned here in Australia.

    And so, thats how the cookie crumbles....

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  3. I think I'd be awesome on one of those shows. And as in awesome I mean I'd be the one drunk all the time and be completely embarrassed when the show was over.

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  4. You have no worries. I went to college with a girl who made it on a reality show.

    Rachel from Real World New York II. She was boring as hell. I think she got chosen because she was 19 or 20 and never saw a penis. SERIOUSLY. Check her out.

    You are way more entertaining!

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  5. I said it before, I want a reality show of your office, with your commmeting (be so funny). it would be like The office, the reality show. I swear I would tune in every day

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  6. They should really make those bathroom signs into a coffee table book.

    I know I'd buy one!

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  7. I would be the worst reality show contestant ever. I'd cry when someone said something bad about me on the internet.
    Those signs are hilarious!

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  8. I loved those toilet sign pictures...omg cannot stop laughing!!And I never wanted to be reality tv star, mostly because I think I would look horrible on camera, and that my reputation would be ruined. Ack!

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