Friday, 5 September 2008

WHO GETS TO NAME THE HURRICANES???

This is a question that has been bugging me since the appearance of Hurricane Gustav on our radar.

Do you, like, have to be the person who discovered its existence in order to name it (that's what happens with comets and stuff, right?) or is there someone out there who has the specific job of naming them?

If so, can I apply? It's right up there in my opinion with being the person who makes up the list shows on the music channels - you know, the ones like "The 20 Best Boyband Tracks" or "Top Ten Sexiest Females". I would rock at that kind of job, honestly . . . and I'm convinced that it's the sixteen year old there on work experience for a week who got given that as something to do to keep her busy. So unfair.

Anyway, back to the hurricane naming. Seriously, can I? Please??? Because whoever is doing it right now . . . it just isn't cutting the mustard really.

I mean, Gustav? Come on, it sounds like a German porn star name. Gustav wouldn't so much knock your house down as turn up to fix your plumbing with a rather large . . . ahem . . . hammer in his pocket. (Or maybe he's just pleased to see you?)

Hanna, on the other hand, well she's more likely to be waiting for you to sneak up on her rather than the other way around. Perhaps crocheting a scarf while waiting, a pot of tea brewing and with the delicious smell of freshly baked cakes wafting around the house. (Sorry, I've known quite a few grandmothers with that name, I'm blatantly stereotyping, I realise). A Hanna wouldn't be capable of mass destruction surely? (Likewise Florence and Beryl!)

How about Hurricane Debby??? It's more of a cheerleader name than a hurricane name.

Hurricane Issac? It will entertain you with songs while it tries to blow you over. How entertaining.

Earnesto? This is the type of hurricane you may meet while on holiday, one which sweeps you off your feet (literally) even though he has a wife waiting for him at home. Arsehole.

Or how about Eugene? You'd knock that wimp over before he'd had a chance to knock you!

Does the person who gets to name the hurricanes sit there with a baby book trying to work out whether the meaning or origin of a particular name suits the hurricane in person. "Well this hurricane has the potential to be a bit of a wild one, so let's find a name which personifies this. How about . . . Lindsay Lohan? No? You sure? Okay, back to the drawing board then . . ."

We definitely need better names for these hurricanes. Scarier names. After all, hurricanes are, ultimately, evil killing machines. They cause devastation, chaos, death, destruction - they leave cities quaking in their wake. To be honest, now that I think about it, I'm not entirely sure I myself could actually come up with names that would do them justice, that would properly personify them. How about we name them after serial killers? Hurricane Charles Manson? Hurricane Jack the Ripper? Hurricane Harold Shipman? Surely these are slightly more apt - they convey more of a sense of what a hurricane is all about.

That being said, why give these criminals further publicity?

Actually now I have sympathy with whoever names the hurricanes. It can't be all that easy. Maybe I shouldn't apply for the job after all. I'd probably end up quitting with the pressure since I clearly overthink things far too much . . .

And to anyone out there who has been affected recently by Gustav and Hanna, hope you have come out of it okay. Weather is a bitch, that's for sure.

13 comments:

  1. Haha, love the circle of thought there! The poor Hannas out there who have a hurricane named after them. It can only make them think they have a bad name!

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  2. They're named by committee and have to go alphabetically. They ran out of good names ages ago......

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  3. Damn it, red squirrel beat me to it. But yeah, they're named alphabetically and the good ones are used.

    But the German porn-ish name you're thinking of is Günther.

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  4. Ha ha hilarious way to think about it!! So true!

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  5. lct - i actually really like the name hanna as well, but i wouldn't want to call someone after a hurricane!

    red squirrel - good to know. guess that means i can't have the job then.

    sequined - yeah probably but gustav is a german porn star name in my head too, that's all i can think about when i hear the name. which is kinda worrying . . . (and the name gunther just makes me think about the coffee house guy in "friends" as opposed to porn!) :)

    alice - thanks! my mind works in mysterious ways.

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  6. You apparently not met my almost 3 year old neice Hannah - she is destructive enough to rival any hurricane!

    In an entirely good, cute, precious way of course...

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  7. I'm kinda sad they have never named a hurricane after me. I would want to be a big one!

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  8. Here you go:

    http://www.redcross.org/news/ds/hurricanes/010524naming.html

    You're next due in 2010 my dear :)

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  9. amy - i'm not sure hurricanes can BE cute and adorable but i'll give you it anyway!

    lyla - think "lyla" is too nice a name for them to use as a hurricane!

    red squirrel - this part disturbed me . . . "Each list is reused every six years, with the exception of the names of storms that have resulted in major damage or death. Those names are "retired," just like the number of a hockey or basketball player whose accomplishments are so far above the rest"
    I'm glad to note paula has been previously used before and so the fact it is to be used again indicates it didn't result in major damage or death. I'm all about the peace and love . . .ha!

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  10. Hurricane Lindsay Lohan.

    Hilarious.

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  11. How about hurricane maxie? How cool would that be! Someone nominate me!!!

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  12. Knikki - thank you! :)

    maxie - if hurricanes weren't evil and instead brought dance parties and alcohol, I'd DEFINITELY nominate your name for one!

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  13. I wanted to know that too. Thanks to Red Squirrel I now know :P

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