Wednesday, 18 June 2008


It seems that every couple of days in our office, an email is circulated about the first floor ladies' toilets. Why? Because apparently they're a bit of a state.

Which is true. Seriously, how hard is it to:

***pick up any toilet paper you drop on the floor?
***pick up any hand towels which fall out of the bin?
***not pee on the toilet seat (we're not MEN, for f*cks sake!)?
***remember to flush - particularly after a bowel movement?

One of my friends came back from the bathroom the other day and said to me "You do not want to KNOW what I just saw in the toilet." Being me, of course I DID want to know. So what was it? "There was a poo in there the size of a baby!" (That's a SMALL baby, for all you pedants out there - I had to ask!). Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but if you (or your ass, more appropriately) created something on that scale, wouldn't you be checking to make sure it had vanished before you left the cubicle? Unless you were proud of it and wished to leave it on display like some sort of Damian Hirst "work of art" (please note the inverted commas). I know a couple of people who are absurdly proud of their poo, but once again, they tend to be males, so therefore shouldn't really be in the girl's loos. So even if it WAS someone who wanted to show off, wouldn't they want to put their name to it? Perhaps they scratched their signature into it, I suppose. After all, we're not going to look THAT closely are we?

I actually get embarrassed everytime I need to go to the bathroom after one of these emails goes around . . . in case someone thinks I am the culprit! In fact, it could be anyone female in the building, but when it's happening on your own floor (thankfully not LITERALLY on the floor - can you imagine???), it's a little harder to ignore.

I don't see how it can ever be different though. How can you prevent such dubious crimes taking place? Put a security guard outside to inspect each cubicle after you've done your business? Hardly feasible, is it . . .?

SECURITY GUARD: Hold it right there, young lady!
ME: Who, me?
SECURITY GUARD: Number one or number two?
ME: Sorry?
SECURITY GUARD: I SAID . . . Number one or number two?
Me: None of your business!
SECURITY GUARD: I can go in there and check, you know. You should make it easier on yourself and confess now.
ME: Okay, okay, I admit it . . . It was a two. But I cleaned up after myself, I promise!
SECURITY GUARD: Huh, we'll see about that . . .

I can't help but wonder whether the culprits treat their OWN bathrooms like they do the office one. Or perhaps they grew up in the wild, wiping their ass on bits of leave and bark so maybe I shouldn't be too hard on them . . .

Other things bug me about the bathroom. For instance, like many have blogged about in the past, I'm pee shy. And this bathroom is freakily quiet most of the time. So I tend to end up spending quite a while in there, nervously hovering (cos, let's face it, after everything you've heard, would YOU sit down?) and waiting for my bladder to relax.

In addition, some others appear not to have heard of toilet cubicle etiquette, which clearly dictates you shouldn't go into the cubicle next to someone unless there is no space elsewhere. I get angry when someone walks into the bathroom and goes into the stall next to me WHEN THERE IS NO ONE ELSE IN THE BATHROOM!!! It makes it even harder to relax because 1) I'm irritated, which isn't going to help my state of mind and 2) the person is right BESIDE ME, which isn't going to help the pee-shyness. Occasionally you also get a person who makes a lot of noise, whether it's a direct result of their activities in their (ie involuntary noises if you know what I mean), ridiculous coughing fits, and my two most unpleasant experiences - one was someone who blew their nose loudly and repeatedly everytime I managed to relax, the other was a woman humming in a creepy way which made me feel like I was about to be murdered. All of the aforementioned put me off doing my business.

It really makes me glad I'm not a bloke and having to face the trauma of the urinal . . .

In other news . . .

So the guy accepted my friend request. Not sure whether I should do anything or not for the moment, or just leave it right now with the option to contact in the future (possibly when I'm drunk again). After all, remember the facts here. Lives in London, not likely to be back here anytime soon. A girlfriend in another country which may or may not be serious. Possible player. Perhaps I somehow imagined the chemistry. FOUR YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!!!

But oh so cute . . .


Fuck it, I'm messaging him.


  1. I've worked in an office where the ladies toilet situation was DIRE. Makes me wonder whether the women I worked with treated their own toilets at home in the same manner. Bizarre.

    p.s. I'd message him too. Keep us posted!! :)

  2. I will never understand why people have so much trouble doing something like using the bathroom properly. I mean you learn to do it when you're 2 years old. They should give out licenses to use the toilet and then if you break the basic rules, your license is revoked. OOO wait....that might get messy.

  3. Okay, so any other day I'd think "Phew, glad my work is not like that".

    BUT, today we got a site wide email from the factory manager saying "several times recently, someone has defecated on the floor in the male toilets"
    (I work as a Technologist in a factory, and this was in the factory, not in our office. Thankfully)
    All I could think was EWWWWWWWWWWW. *shudder*

    PS of course you messaged him. You had to.

  4. Thank god i dont work in a huge office... there is only four of us at my branch, all women, and we all have manners.

    And who cares if he's four years younger than you ? Go in for the kill, i say!

  5. Poop is gross. But flirting with cute boys is not. That's all I know.

  6. eew toilet ethics man...i dont get it how people pee on seat either.

    I used to send out email at my old work place, we had unisex toilets...there were issues.

    oooh well innocent online flirt never hurts, go go have fun

  7. seriously, what is with bathrooms and people? back when i was in high school some girl actually poo-ed in the showers and left it there. POOP! so until graduation i would go down to the next hallway and shower because i want NOT about to go into the poop shower. no way.

  8. OH MY GOD - in the SHOWER??? That is absolutely VILE!!! :(


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