So I've mentioned in the past (in my previous incarnation) that guys often think I'm flirting with them, when I tend not to be. The weird thing is, this misunderstanding has only really been a problem for me in the past few years.
As a child and a teenager also, I was pretty awkward socially. Even with my FRIENDS. I often just didn't know what the fuck to say to them, partly due to my shyness and partly due to my belief that I was just pretty dull in general. How could I amuse other people when I found myself boring after all? So if I couldn't even talk to other girls, how could I talk to guys??? I used to fantasise (in a harmless adolescent way of course!) about many good looking boys at school but the idea of talking to them was impossible. Even if I ever came face to face with one, I would stammer, go red, and feel like the most uninteresting girl who ever existed.
One day, it all just clicked into place with me. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when, but it just did. I realised I DID have some interesting things to say once in a while, and that I did actually have the ability to be funny with it. And I realised that talking to guys is pretty damn similar to talking to girls. Although there is limits to this.
For example, talking to guys I vaguely know already is fairly easy. Talking to a stranger in a bar or on the street not so easy (although sometimes the latter is fairly easy if I'm kinda inebriated at the time).
And the guys I DO talk to always end up thinking I'm flirting with them. I find this amusing because presumably if I'm talking to them the same way I talk to girls, does that mean the girls think I am flirting with them too? I guess perhaps my non-verbal behaviour must vary a little, but then surely I'm likely to be a little more guarded with guys I know there is no way I will ever be interested in. Like I won't want to subconsciously give them signals surely? Because I wouldn't WANT them to think I am flirting with me. Yet they do. So confusing!!!
Anyway, this isn't really my point. I think, of late, I've kinda got out of the habit of flirting. Me and my ex never so much flirted as just joked around and made each other laugh - which to be honest is my preferred mode of flirtation anyway. But he completely GOT my sense of humour, whereas I'm not sure everyone would. For example, a once-boyfriend told me when we broke up that he didn't find me funny. Which is probably to me a bigger insult than being told he didn't find me attractive. I know (without modesty, I might add) that my newest ex found me funny, as I did him - sometimes, even after we broke up the first time, we would try to outdo each other via text or email with the lamest jokes ever. But I don't think most guys would get our brand of joking around.
I have had SERIOUS flirtations in the past, believe me . . . and I think when I'm single and really into a guy (and possibly a little desperate) I can be a FABULOUS flirt. But I can't remember the last time that happened too vividly.
So anyway, the other day I decided to at least try and brighten up my day a bit by flirting with someone. No one special, just a guy who is semi-cute and I suppose possibly worthy of a little flirtation - I mean, I'm not gonna try it on any old person. But when I found myself momentarily in a room alone with him, suddenly all the witty quips on the tip of my tongue vanished and I dried up. I kinda just ended up mumbling "hi" and smiling and walking away, wondering why I'm such a moron.
It's not like I wanted anything to happen with this dude, believe me. I just wanted a bit of validation or something, proof that I was still attractive, that I wasn't going to be single forever despite my fears.
But I seem to have just lost the ability to actually put myself out there. To be honest, I'm not sure I ever had the skill down pat in the first place. But whatever semblance of the skill I have definitely appears to have disappeared.
Get me to a nunnery, perhaps???