Wednesday, 19 March 2008

I THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO FLIRT . . .

So I've mentioned in the past (in my previous incarnation) that guys often think I'm flirting with them, when I tend not to be. The weird thing is, this misunderstanding has only really been a problem for me in the past few years.

As a child and a teenager also, I was pretty awkward socially. Even with my FRIENDS. I often just didn't know what the fuck to say to them, partly due to my shyness and partly due to my belief that I was just pretty dull in general. How could I amuse other people when I found myself boring after all? So if I couldn't even talk to other girls, how could I talk to guys??? I used to fantasise (in a harmless adolescent way of course!) about many good looking boys at school but the idea of talking to them was impossible. Even if I ever came face to face with one, I would stammer, go red, and feel like the most uninteresting girl who ever existed.

One day, it all just clicked into place with me. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when, but it just did. I realised I DID have some interesting things to say once in a while, and that I did actually have the ability to be funny with it. And I realised that talking to guys is pretty damn similar to talking to girls. Although there is limits to this.

For example, talking to guys I vaguely know already is fairly easy. Talking to a stranger in a bar or on the street not so easy (although sometimes the latter is fairly easy if I'm kinda inebriated at the time).

And the guys I DO talk to always end up thinking I'm flirting with them. I find this amusing because presumably if I'm talking to them the same way I talk to girls, does that mean the girls think I am flirting with them too? I guess perhaps my non-verbal behaviour must vary a little, but then surely I'm likely to be a little more guarded with guys I know there is no way I will ever be interested in. Like I won't want to subconsciously give them signals surely? Because I wouldn't WANT them to think I am flirting with me. Yet they do. So confusing!!!

Anyway, this isn't really my point. I think, of late, I've kinda got out of the habit of flirting. Me and my ex never so much flirted as just joked around and made each other laugh - which to be honest is my preferred mode of flirtation anyway. But he completely GOT my sense of humour, whereas I'm not sure everyone would. For example, a once-boyfriend told me when we broke up that he didn't find me funny. Which is probably to me a bigger insult than being told he didn't find me attractive. I know (without modesty, I might add) that my newest ex found me funny, as I did him - sometimes, even after we broke up the first time, we would try to outdo each other via text or email with the lamest jokes ever. But I don't think most guys would get our brand of joking around.

I have had SERIOUS flirtations in the past, believe me . . . and I think when I'm single and really into a guy (and possibly a little desperate) I can be a FABULOUS flirt. But I can't remember the last time that happened too vividly.

So anyway, the other day I decided to at least try and brighten up my day a bit by flirting with someone. No one special, just a guy who is semi-cute and I suppose possibly worthy of a little flirtation - I mean, I'm not gonna try it on any old person. But when I found myself momentarily in a room alone with him, suddenly all the witty quips on the tip of my tongue vanished and I dried up. I kinda just ended up mumbling "hi" and smiling and walking away, wondering why I'm such a moron.

It's not like I wanted anything to happen with this dude, believe me. I just wanted a bit of validation or something, proof that I was still attractive, that I wasn't going to be single forever despite my fears.

But I seem to have just lost the ability to actually put myself out there. To be honest, I'm not sure I ever had the skill down pat in the first place. But whatever semblance of the skill I have definitely appears to have disappeared.

Get me to a nunnery, perhaps???

12 comments:

  1. I usually go from either not being able to flirt at all...to being outrageously suggestive. There's nothing inbetween!
    So i'm afraid i can't help!

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  2. Seriously, I don't think that you're subconsciously flirting with guys, I think it's that in general girls think "who? what? me? oh he couldn't possibly be interested i'm not hot/cool/pretty/skinny/insert adjective here enough for him to flirt with me." Where as guys go "ohh pretty girl talking to me. Of COURSE she's flirting with me because who wouldn't be interested in awesome/amazing/studly/hot/insert concieted adjective here me?"

    Which, to be honest drives me CRAZY. But still.

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  3. I think all guys would like to think they are being flirted with when any women and someone pretty as yoursefl gives them any attention, its their ego thing I guess, they are happy to get he attention...or something like that. I find it easier to talk to strangers in bars...gives me more confidence

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  4. I read in the 20SB forum that your old blog was exposed at work. Do you mind if I ask how it happened and what the ramifications were? I do not blog at work, but sometimes about work and am very hesitant to. I'm really freaked out that someone at work will find it.

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  5. The whole thing about "well wouldn't that mean I was flirting with my girlfriends" perplexes me a little... really, most of my drunken behaviour with my girlfriends would be so flirtatious if they were guys.

    And I totally randomly learned how to flirt the same month I learned how to wear makeup. My poor parents.

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  6. I totally feel that way too. I never know what to say to a guy. Tomorrow I am going on date #4 with a new guy, and every time he talks to me I'm incredulous as to why. I know I act nervous, that I sometimes say weird stuff, and fidget. Yet he still is coming back for more. Moral of the story: be yourself, and do whatever comes naturally to you. The rest will write itself.

    That aside, for me, if I think of something like flirting too much then I clam up and can't follow through. But if it's on the fly, sometimes, just sometimes, I'm really good. You'll get back on the horse!!

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  7. Flirting is a fine artform. Unfortunately I'm still drawing stick figures in crayons. But I wish you the best. You're hot and witty, I'm sure guys are just as nervous on their side.

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  8. I think if you just focus on being yourself, and remembering that that self is totally fab, you can just open up and talk with a guy. And when you do that, flirting isn't even all that necessary, even if he perceives it as flirting, because your confidence and wit are attractive. Not saying you're trying to get him to go home with you, you just want to be attractive in general...you know?
    I don't make a conscious effort to flirt, but I make a conscious effort to be confident in the amazing girl I am. :)
    You can do it, you're fantastic.

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  9. Guys totally just love to tickle their own ego by convincing themsevles that a cute girl is flirting with them.

    I've had people think the same thing and I absolutely abhor the person I was talking to. I may have just asked him what we needed for class or something and he'll think I wanna bang him. It's a guy thing. You'll get used to it.

    And trust me, you are still a gorgeous, extremely attractive woman. But you just had your heartbroken. You gotta get yourself a little time to get back into the the flow of things.

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  10. I totally get you on this. My way of flirting always finds me in the friend zone...gotta love it!

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  11. I'm with the others - guys ALWAYS seem to assume that when a pretty girl is talking to them, that they're flirting.

    I get it too sometimes - like last week, when I saw a guy with amazing arm tattoos and, being a lover of detailed tattoos, I went up and told him they looked brilliant and asked where he got them done. MISTAKE! He seemed to think I was flirting and I couldn't seem to get away. But hey, it's a guy thing!

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  12. Ok, I have to ask. What in the world is a flat!? I've read your blogs a million times and have seen flat in most of them. like flatmates? do you mean roommates? is it like an apartment? hahaha I have no idea. If you haven't noticed by now I live in AMerica and have no idea what your talking about lol. But I do find it interesting trying to make since of some of the words you use. lol

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