I can act happy as anything in public but the second I'm alone, I fall apart.
I loved drama as a kid, and even took Higher Drama in my last year of high school (I got a B, which isn't too bad I suppose) but I was never BRILLIANT at it. I would have LOVED to have been an actress, I really would have. The very idea of seeing my name in lights or rolling down a tv or cinema screen thrilled me to the very core, and still does. But I'm nowhere NEAR good enough, and I'm honest enough with myself to know this.
Right now I feel like I'm acting my most challenging role, and that I'm actually doing surprisingly well at portaying the role of a happy, unbothered girl with no hassles and no heartbreak.
But acting your heart out can have its costs. Think of all the actors who threw themselves so far into a role that they ended up sick, or losing too much weight, or just depressed as a result of all the pressure they were putting on themselves. That's how I feel right now. (Not losing too much weight, unfortunately. But the other things.) I hoped by pretending to be happy, I would fool myself into actually believing I WAS happy, and that the happiness would inevitably follow. Instead I appear to be feeling more and more miserable - whenever I am alone, the mask slips and the tears run free.
I hate to think what I'll be like at the funeral tomorrow, especially when I see my poor Granda (who is apparently being so strong right now). I'm hoping to rein in the tears but I'm a notorious crybaby and tears come way too easily. And I loathe crying in public, although I do it often.
I just hope nothing else goes wrong because I seriously don't think I can handle any other problems at the moment. It's all just too much to take right now. Everything is piling on top of me and the weight of it is distracting me from everything else.