I've became a bit obsessed, in recent weeks, with the programme "Come Dine With Me". I'm assuming most of you know it, but in case you don't, it's basically four (or five) strangers who each take a turn to host dinner at their house. Cue recipes going wrong, personality clashes and a lot of bitching. What's not to love?
But I couldn't be a contestant on it myself. Why, I hear you ask?
***I'd have to tidy up my flat for a start. And, to be honest, I don't think it's big enough for a dinner party anyway. Or fancy enough by far. Once you got the camera crew in there'd be no space for guests!!!
***There's usually a part where the guests go and poke about through the host's things. I don't really like people going through my personal possessions, much less showing them off on TV. Although, to be honest, I don't know if I have anything dodgy enough to make it interesting...
***I can't cook very well. Which is probably the major hindrance here.
***I'm absolutely rotten at small talk. I'd be the one who drank too much due to nerves and either threw up over herself and everyone else, or spoke complete and utter bollocks and ended up coming across as the tossiest of tossers.
***I'm not a particularly fussy eater, but there are things I'm not particularly keen on. Like certain types of seafood. Or prawns. Or parsnips. So you could guarantee these would be things I'd end up being forced to eat out of politeness at the other contestants' houses.
***Seeing me cooking - sorry, ATTEMPTING to cook - would not be particularly interesting, apart from the decidedly blue language they would have to censor out when I ended up chopping off my finger. Plus if I've bled into the beef stroganoff (ha! Like I can actually make that!), I don't want my guests or the tv audience to know about it...
***The tidying up afterwards. My dirty dishes have been known to sit in the sink for several days. Sometimes I only wash them up when I realise I don't have a clean wine glass. After cooking three courses for four or five people the debris would be APPALLING. That could traumatise me for WEEKS!!!
So... no. I think I'll give taking part a miss, and just enjoy it on the TV instead. Much safer for my nerves and will save me potentially giving other people food poisoning. :-)
Would YOU go on "Come Dine With Me"???