Monday, 5 March 2012

EX-SEX . . . AND WHY IT'S A BAD IDEA . . .

Boxing Day 2011 was a strange one for me. In a lot of ways, it was a lot of fun . . . I had a great day. But it was what it turned into that ruined it, and as a result ruined a friendship and, ultimately, my New Year's Eve celebrations later that week.

I can't really remember how it happened, but me and my ex had been drinking rather a lot of wine, watching stand-up comedy and then, later, dirty-dancing to random music we were playing on youtube. I suppose, ultimately, the fact we ended up in bed was inevitable. I can't quite remember HOW it happened, but we'd decided it was a good idea . . . even though we both knew it was, in reality, actually a very bad idea.
And that drunken mistake ruined everything.

I have only ever done the ex-sex thing with one other ex-boyfriend. He was my first proper boyfriend, the guy I lost my virginity to, and after he broke up with me, I was devastated. But when we ended up shagging again less than a week later, I was instantly full of hope that he had changed his mind. I was too naive to understand that dudes can have sex without an emotional connection. You'd think I WOULD have realised this given the amount of chick-lit novels I've read but no . . . I was young and idealistic and stupid. I didn't GET it. And so it went on. Approximately once a month for the next few months we would meet up and end up in bed together, but he never even suggested we give our relationship another try. Finally it came to a head when I actually asked him about it, and he seemed shocked that I had even THOUGHT he wanted to be with me for anything other than sex. I was devastated, and after that we put distance between each other for quite a few months. By the time I saw him again, he was with someone else, and that was that.

But, hurt though I was by the whole situation, it made me realise that ex-sex was not a good idea. And I vowed never to do it again.

And me and THIS ex? We'd done brilliantly. We'd managed to hang out together loads since our break-up without it ever even being an issue, despite the fact we were both still sexually attracted to one another. And then, in one fell swoop, more than six months after our break-up (we got back together at the end of November but it lasted about a day so I don't count that) we ruined it with ex-sex.

The thing is, this time I was prepared. I TOLD him afterwards I knew it didn't change things and, in my head, it didn't. If anything, it just made me realise that perhaps we WEREN'T a good pairing but I would still like to be his friend.

But for him it seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back and he told me a few days later we should stop spending so much time together.

The past few months since then have been, for me, a bit shit. I'm missing my best guy friend and he no longer seems to be interested in PROPERLY hanging out like we used to. Oh, and he's seeing someone else so I guess it's hard to maintain a friendship with a female who's NOT your ex when you have a girlfriend. Especially one you slept with two months ago.

So yeah, me and ex-sex? I won't be doing that ever again. Regardless of whether you're expecting something from it or not, someone just ALWAYS seems to end up getting hurt. And, in my case, it always seems to be me . . .

Do you have experience of ex-sex?

7 comments:

  1. In my experience, it is never, ever a good idea. It's so familiar, and it can make you harbor hopes of future, and it always ends up making you feel worse.

    Sorry you're dealing with this right now. It sucks.

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  2. It was never a good idea for me either until the last time I did it ... and we wound up getting married. But I realize that's a bad story that will encourage women to think that it's possible ... even it's just the same odds as the lottery.

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  3. I don't think sex with an ex is ever a good idea unless it's years own the line and you genuinely don't have any feelings there anymore. When girls have sex it makes us emotionally attach to the guy (scientific fact there) but guys don't release the same hormones that we do so they are able to have sex without any emotions or feelings afterwards. But saying that some girls are able to have sex without any emotional attachment but they are few and far between. x

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  4. I'm not proud of it but yeah, I've done the ex-sex thing...

    My experience pretty much turned out just as badly as yours did.

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  5. yeah... been there done that...
    only in that case the one that thought something had changed and then got shot down was me...
    the whole unattached sex ting is not exclusive for men and I have seen it happen with women more thanonce... so I'll have to disagree with Miss H something fierce... :-P
    It might be a bad idea... but you will never know... and there are still the stupid romantics like me that will always make the wrong decision... based on something stupid called love...

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  6. I did say that some girls can have sex without emotional attachment :) However I do think that the more times you have sex with the same person the more of a connection you'll feel. That's why one night stands are a lot of fun and the whole 'friends with benefits' rarely works in the long run unless both parties are simply in it for the sex and don't have any feelings, friendship or otherwise for the other person.

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  7. Ex sex twice.

    Once with the 1st ex about 7 years after we went out - I'd briefly stupidly thought perhaps we could try being together again. Eventually gave up on that.

    And then with Frigid Ex about 9 months after we broke up. I was drunk and horny and made it very clear I just wanted sex with someone I knew and trusted and it didn't mean anything. All I got out of it was a carpet burn. Which left a scar as a reminder of how daft an idea it was.

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