Wednesday, 1 February 2012

AND SOME DAYS YOU JUST WANT TO CRY . . .

Today is one of those days. I actually am not sure how I managed to stay appearing happy on the outside, because underneath I am an emotional wreck.

I think, with the realisation today that it's February and that marks two months of my head being completely and utterly fucked for various reasons (like, even more than it had been initially before the beginning of December), it's just sent me over the edge.

December was a really weird month for me - quite a lot happened in a four week period. A lot of shit that probably shouldn't have happened, but that I hoped might just strengthen a friendship. Sadly, it seems to have been the reverse, and I have spent January in, I guess, some sort of denial.

And now it has truly hit . . . and it kills.

At one point today, I had to actually leave a room purely because it was hurting too damn much. Having a quick cry in the ladies' loos seemed like a far preferable option.

But I am so unbelievably sick of everything being on someone else's terms. I give up. I just can't do it anymore.

So I'm crying instead.

It is ironic because I am used to nothing going right with my life, but it is weird that the one thing that IS going right for a change is my job. I can DO this job, I am absolutely sure of it, and I am good at it. I deserve my promotion and I welcome the extra responsibility - and I'm over-the-moon to finally get a chance to prove myself. At least this is something that can at least help to take my mind off everything else. Because I am determined to make it count.

Because if that IS the only thing going right in my life . . .then I refuse to lose THAT too.


Tell me, please, how do I get myself out of this? What do YOU do when you just want to cry? Other than, obviously, cry!!!

11 comments:

  1. Oh P. I don't really have any words of wisdom for you but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

    You've not been having much fun for a while now and I hope that you can see that things will get better.

    It's such a cliche but try and keep busy and spend time with the people that you know care about you and love you. x

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  2. I don't know how to help it but I've also been going through a bit of a down period the last few months and I definitely find that keeping as busy as possible helps me forget about the stuff that's bothering me. Also, if you haven't already, find someone to talk to - a friend, a family member, whoever. I hope you feel better! You are fabulous and you'll make it through this rough patch!

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  3. Aw. I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to know you've got support here! I hope that Feb starts to look up for you. You deserve a break! And good for you on the job front! Work it girl!

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  4. I'm sorry you are having a tough time. :(

    I guess there's a "menu" of things I choose some, some healthy and some not: laying in bed, going for a walk, yoga, journaling, crying, calling my mom, etc.

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  5. Another one going through some tough times right here. I've been keeping busy, talking to everyone humanely possible and making an effort to do new things, but it doesn't seem to be helping all that much. I'm going to try going back to Church, where hopefully some kind of enlightenment will ensue. Maybe that's not for you, but it's just a thought :)

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  6. It sounds like you are just trying to express the anger and anxiety that the stress has caused you in the last two months. But it is ok.

    Firstly, I would recommend allowance. Allow yourself to grieve/cry because bottling it up, will only bury it inside and it's better to express/release it even if it does not feel too nice.

    Secondly, take what's called an 'observing ego' look on things. Try to see yourself from the outside and the situation over the last few months, how would a complete outsider view it. It may shed some answers on those questions you've been asking.

    Thirdly, sounds like you need to work on your self-esteem and the only way to do that is through your well-being. So, socialise, play some music, have some hot bathes, a spa, massages, dance, yoga, gym or whatever makes you feel good about YOU.

    Good luck x

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  7. aww!! I'm feeling kinda crap at the mo, doing a bridget jones's moment singing along to "alone" by heart doesn't really help. Not does crying to Robyn's "With Every Heartbeat"!! I recommend making some time for YOU, whether it'd be a facial or a feel-good movie! Oh and resist the temptation to check your phone every 5 minutes!!
    x

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  8. I hope you get through this turmoil. Actually, I KNOW you will!

    Whenever I am facing a breakup, a tough emotional situation or just a shitty guy who doesnt treat me right... I throw myself wholeheartedly into work. Exactly because of the same reason why you're throwing yourself into your work: if work is the only thing that's going right then might as well be damn good at it (and show those jerks that they're missing out on a hot and incredibly intelligent woman!). Suckers!

    -L

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  9. :( *huuuuugs*

    So sorry you're feeling so bad and I can't be there for you just now.

    Maybe we should have a mock mini funeral for our feelings, and the bad shit that's happened. So it's literally dead and buried, gone.

    xXx

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  10. I wish I could say I know how you feel and had some advice for you. I do, in a way, but everyone's experiences are different.

    I've had a slump going on for the past year and a half; feeling low, losing loved ones and having arsehole boys mess me around. In the end, I felt defeated. Like, I couldn't cope and that everything was going wrong in my life.

    I'm still not completely out of it, but there are things that help. I spoke confidentially to my doctor, and he gave me a whole load of options - but diagnosed me as having depression. That alone was a big shock for me. Perhaps speaking to your doc may give you some sort of insight in to what's going on? It helped me to speak to someone I didn't know particularly well, I wasn't burdening anyone with my problems (plus, I didn't want my business spread about my family and friends until *I* knew what was happening with me!). I dunno, that was a good thing for me - hopefully you'll find your comfort zone!

    In the meantime, well done on your promotion m'darling! Well deserved and let me just say... about time you got some good news! And about the other thing, ignore it - they're not worth making you feel like this and if they were any sort of friend to you they'd fuck off and leave you to be fabulous and happy in your new job.

    Lisa xxx

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  11. *hugs*

    Have you ever used a sunlamp? I have Seasonal Affected Disorder, and I get depressed at this time of year... could be something similar for you?

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