Monday, 31 October 2011

MY RECENT IRRATIONAL FEAR . . .

There's lots of silly little things I'm worried about. Like insects flying into my ears, especially moths (let's face it, it could happen.) Or nearly standing on a leaf that turns out to be a frog (has happened more than once, smack bang in the middle of Queen Margaret Drive, so it's actually a fairly rational fear. And frogs freak me the hell out.) Or dying alone. (That one is probably not so silly, now I come to think about it.)

But the most recent one, which is actually possibly developing into not so much a worry as a potential full-on phobia, is that I have became quite worried that I might one day be hit by a flying bird. And I'm not talking about their droppings - been there done that. I am actually occasionally gripped by the fear that a bird is just going to lose control mid-flight and swoop right into me. Usually right into the side of my head, although occasionally I wonder what would happen if it just hit me in, I dunno, the bum or something.

It makes me really nervous around birds. Although I've always been a bit paranoid about them as I'm convinced they have some sort of agenda.

Has this ever happened to people in real life? I don't necessarily mean to someone reading this (if you get here by googling, then I'm sorry, I can't actually help you with birds-flying-into-your-head problems) but has it ever come up as like a story in the news or something? "Girl struck by flying bird, impaled on its beak", that sorta thing?

Is this a totally weird thing to be freaked out about? Or has it ever crossed your mind?

I mean, BEFORE you read this, obviously . . .

Sunday, 30 October 2011

I FINALLY GOT MY HOUR BACK!!!!

I've been waiting since the end of March, when the clocks went forward, to get my hour back. I know technically I never lost it but it felt like it.

So today I FINALLY got it back. Yay!

I feel like I've made the most of it. I woke up early, did some (very mild!) housekeeping, then went out for lunch. AND bought a new pair of boots and some pale grey nail polish - meant to buy some of the latter for AGES so finally!

As for this morning's ramblings... well, let's just say I was possibly still drunk from last night but I'm talking purely hypothetically. Don't get me wrong, there's things going on in the background but . . . I'm not sure whether I want them to. I'd rather get drunk and listen to music for now...







Depressing tunes over... here's a cheesy 80s one which I also love... :-)



And a less depressing Ed Sheeran one... :-)




What are you listening to right now? :-)

TIMING IS EVERYTHING . . .

They say that when one door closes, another opens, don't they. And that's usually the case, I've came to find.

Sometimes, however, you're just not quite ready for the door to be opened yet.

Then again, maybe you weren't necessarily wanting the first door to be closed in the first place, it was just slammed in your face.

So you can end up dithering over whether to open the next door, or whether to just stay in the corridor for a bit.

And sometimes, you think about trying the next door, but it just seems . . . not quite the right time to open it yet.

The problem is, by the time you decide it is ready to be opened, you could find yourself locked out.

Timing really IS everything, isn't it? I wish everything could just operate on MY timeline - selfish I know, but in an ideal world . . .

Just something I've been using my extra hour today (the clocks went back) to consider.


Would YOU open the next door even if you weren't sure you were ready?

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

POLE TO POLE . . .

I'm getting better!!!! I am!!!!

I keep ending up with bruises, and as of last week managed to get some sort of friction burn on the skin on the inside of my right wrist . . . but I have almost mastered this new block of moves. I say "almost" - I mean "sort of". I say "mastered" I mean "I can execute them, but without much finesse or style". There's one move that is still outwith my grasp, but I'm getting there.

My friend who I started with went onto the next four moves today (I still have another week of these current moves to go) and I'm a bit scared about some of those. She's doing well, but she has done the class before so is better at it anyway.

But it WAS nice to realise today, when one of the newer girls was despairing about not being able to jump up on the pole and slide down it, that it really DOES improve. Mainly because, on my 11th week of pole fitness, I myself managed for the first time to do that complete move. The one I was taught on my first class and gradually (FINALLY) manage to improve at. I am improving by the week at something I thought at the start of August I would NEVER be good at, and nearly three months later I am relishing the fact that I've found something I really want to work at perfecting.

AND the fact that it is a pretty good workout at the same time... well, that is an added bonus!

So, here are the moves I've been working on. (No, I am not in the videos. And sorry they talk so much.)




This first one is called The Chair. I couldn't even remotely manage this the first week - my legs wouldn't even come off the ground. Then miraculously, last week, they lifted off the ground. I nearly fell down due to shock. I can't really rotate around the pole and make it just over half a rotation before I have to put my feet back down, but I'm working on it!

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

CHEER-ME-UP-TUESDAY . . .

Once again, all is a bit crap. I have a lot of conflicting stuff going on in my head and my life. It's not good. I sometimes feel like drama follows me everywhere I go. I am trying to work out how I feel about a certain thing and because I DON'T know, I am trying to work out how to not lead anyone on without burning my bridges. It's a horrible thing when you know you're really not ready for something, but then you worry that if you give up the opportunity, it might pass you by and then you'll regret it.

But then, the grass is always greener on the other side, eh?



Well... maybe not. :-) (Sorry, I have been waiting to use that Stewart Lee clip for YEARS now. I love him.)

Anyhoo, time to share my new all time favourite website, and if you haven't saw it already and go based on my recommendation, I hope you love it as much as me. Have you ever saw a picture of an animal and imagined what it might be SAYING In that picture???

Well, I never have, I'll be honest, but after seeing that website I find myself doing it all the time now.

ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS is the funniest tumblr site I have ever happened across.

Let's check out some of my favourites:

http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/post/11864177155/dear-god-i-would-like-shia-labeouf-to-have-dirty
http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/post/11697221137/what-happened-did-you-fall-off-that-ladder
Then there's the one I knew that Mich would love...
This is one that reminds me, for some reason, of Lemon Gloria's blog posts - http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/post/11616260454/hey-hey-mark-what-would-you-do-if-my-nose-was


AND THIS ONE . . . IS MY ULTIMATE FAVOURITE. Everytime I am unhappy, I will look at this one, and it will make me smile.

I wonder if they ever DID make it to the library that day... :-)

Do YOU love this website too? If so, please share your favourite. If not, go and find one! :-)

Friday, 21 October 2011

PORTUGAL IN PICTURES . . .

Now I'm over the post-holiday blues, I thought it was time to post some pictures of my recent birthday-holiday to Portugal . . .

Me with the marina behind me on my birthday. It was a longer walk than I expected it to be. I got a little bit sunburnt just from the walk!

The Old Town in Albufeira. Isn't it slightly ironic that you get down to the Old Town by way of an escalator? Sort of an oxymoron really...

We went on a cruise of the coast of the Algarve. This is some of the coastline, viewed from the wild waves of the Atlantic!
The roundabouts in Albufeira had some pretty cool sculptures on them. This was one of the coolest. I wish I'd taken pictures of more of the roundabouts. It is such a cool idea to make them look good, roundabouts are so functional otherwise...

The pool around the back of my hotel. I never went into the water, but it was fun to lie beside it with my many books.
The rock formations in Portugal caused by erosion are pretty phenomenal. Here is a particularly phallic-shaped one on a beach that I couldn't resist sending to my equally-dirty-minded friend...

Me with the Old Town behind me.


That was the first time I'd ever been to Portugal and I loved it. I would definitely recommend it.


What's your favourite sunshine destination?

Sunday, 16 October 2011

WEIRD SOCIAL STUFF . . .

Today's random list includes weird social stuff that I'm not comfortable with:

  • formal events - weddings especially. (Although my recent experience of being a bridesmaid was actually my LEAST awkward wedding experience. Probably all the alcohol helped.) Talking to strangers. Potentially turning up in the same outfit as someone else. Being seated next to someone you hate at dinner. All these fears conspire to make me considering avoiding any that I'm invited to.
  • walking into a pub myself - this has always been an issue for me - unless I have specific coordinates of where my friends are sitting, I hate to do this. My first date with an ex, he told me to meet him in the pub. I didn't have the nerve to tell him I didn't like to do it. I walked into a busy pub, walked around looking like an idiot, and managed to walk right past him. Embarrassing...
  • eating/drinking in public alone - I mean, I can sit and eat a sandwich in a park, for example. But going for a drink alone, or to eat a meal alone in a restaurant . . . I just can't. Only twice have I ever sat in a pub myself, and both times it was because I didn't really have a choice. And I felt REALLY awkward, like I was on display. (When in actuality probably no one even noticed.)
  • having to phone people I don't know - I get really nervous if I need to phone a customer service department about something. I don't like phones at the best of times, but I hate having to explain myself to a stranger. I get all stuttery and embarrassed, and am slightly convinced they're having a laugh at my expense at the other end of the phone. Once I actually cried on the phone! Mind you, that's because Paypal were accusing me of owing 1000 pounds, and I was stressed out of my nut. So that's my defence for that one!
  • small talk - just in general. Unless I'm drunk. Otherwise I will just be awkward. This is probably one the main reasons why I have avoided hairdressers for years.

How about you? Is there silly social activity that makes you want to curl up in a ball and hide under your duvet rather than have to do it???

Friday, 14 October 2011

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS . . .

You can wake up and feel good and on top of the world (or mildly hungover, exhausted, but generally okay, which is a FAIRLY good equivalent) but the post-relationship phase can throw you curveballs indefinitely.

It's not even my HORMONAL time of the month, yet I still find it happening regularly.

And, even in my happiest moments . . . I just know it's going to be a mere matter of hours before I'm going to break down again.

Like now.

#consideringbecominganunbutilikecolourstoomuchforthat

I'm strong. I'll get there. I just . . . miss.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

STOP - PYJAMA TIME!!!

I was having a kinda shitty day today, so even though it's not payday until tomorrow (and I am, predictably, broke) I decided I really wanted to treat myself after work. I had no idea what I wanted to actually BUY though, but after a trip to Primark to see if they had my favourite ballet pumps, I found my calling.

Pyjamas.

Considering the amount of time I spend in bed (that sounded wrong - I MEANT because I'm so lazy!) you KNOW it makes sense.

I got a bit over-excited and kept picking more and more up, and eventually had to narrow it down. Primark, for all its faults, has a FABULOUS choice of pyjamas (it also has a large range of onesies, if you happen to be in the market for one of those - just an FYI). I bought three pairs in the end, one which was a pre-matched set, and two lots of separates. I HAD to make sure I had a top for each bottom - apparently that's something I'm weird about, although I will happily mix and match any which way when I'm in a hurry to get to bed and/or inebriated.

So the PJs . . .

I have these ones on right now, so you get a pic of the cool graphic on the tee. I bought some uber soft matching dark grey trousers to go with these. Sooo comfy!

Pretty! Not that there's anyone to disturb me really but who cares about the specifics???

Yup, Moody but Marvellous. This set sums me up pretty well.

I might not have anyone to share my bed with, but that doesn't mean I can't look good while sleeping alone, right???



How do you feel about pyjamas?

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

KARMA 101 . . .

Two weeks ago, me, my sister and some friends were having a premature birthday celebration by going to our new favourite pub quiz. The prize for winning the quiz is a bottle of vodka or a case of beer (which I, drunkenly, misheard as "a quesadilla" - which wouldn't actually be the WORST prize really, right?). But the real prize comes in the part AFTER the quiz is over.

They do a "Play Your Cards Right" game, where you get seven cards and have to guess whether each one is higher or lower than the next before they are turned over. You get a chance at this game in the order of where you placed in the quiz and the prize is £50 - unless there's a rollover because no one guessed the seven cards they had right. A month ago, me and Mich came fourth but won this bit - we got £100 between us. On this night two weeks ago "Pollys Birthday Bash" (as our team was called - NOT My choice by the way) came joint second so we were either going to be up for the cards part 2nd or 3rd.

After the winners had tried and failed at the cards, the quizmaster said (quite clearly, in my opinion - and bear in mind that I was so tipsy I'd misheard "case of beer" as "quesdilla") "as there are two teams in second place we will do it in alphabetical order - so Polly's Birthday Bash, you're up now".

At which point, the other joint second team got all aggressive. "What about the VDs???" they shouted as we made to get up and go to the cards.

Okay, sidebar. "The VDs"??? SERIOUSLY??? I'm assuming this was their initials (they were a girl and a guy) but why would you actually CALL Yourself that as a team name??? WHY????

Anyhow I actually stood back and told them to go on ahead. I didn't care. I'd won two weeks ago - what were the chances of us winning again???The cards, meant for our team, were already laid out. They failed within two or three cards.

Then it was our go. We got what would have been THEIR cards. And it went like a dream. It would be a two, followed by a king, followed by a three, followed by a jack, etc etc. There was no way we couldn't win.

And we did. We scooped the fifty quid prize.

The VDs left immediately after that, looking extremely sour-faced. It was very satisfying. Had they just kept their mouths shut in the first place, they would have won. Instead they were bad sports and left with empty pockets.

And that is the very definition of karma, baby. No?

Me and one of my friends popped in there for a quick drink tonight - the pub quiz was on but we weren't intending to stay that long. We were eating nachos when I became aware that someone was glaring at me. It was The VDs. I wasn't sure they recognised me but then the quizmaster came up to ask us if we wanted to play, and he recognised me. He even used me as an example to a nearby table that you didn't need to win the quiz to win the money. So by that stage they probably DID recognise me. They glared more. I rolled my eyes and left the pub.

I really hope they at least had the sense to change their team name this time.

How about The Morons??? Far more apt . . .

Monday, 10 October 2011

SUBTITLES GONE WILD!!!!

So today while on my lunch I was reading this article online about how whoever makes the subtitles at the BBC keeps fucking them up. Which made me laugh quite a lot, in that I'm-at-my-desk-and-don't-want-to-laugh-but-my-shoulders-won't-stop-shaking-and-people-might-look type of way. Which is basically the exact same reason why I made an executive decision a few weeks ago never to look at Damn You Autocorrect while on my lunch. It's just too embarrassing.

Anyway, there was a mention in the article about how it had gotten so bad that people have set up a dedicated website to the bloopers. I have, sadly, so far been unable to find this (why didn't they post a link to it, goddammit!). But my hunt for insane subtitles has lead me to do a slightly premature Cheer-Me-Up Tuesday, as I scoured the interweb for the funniest findings.

Of course, most of the below examples have good reason as they are TRANSLATIONS into English . . . what excuse does the Beeb have, eh???

* “I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!” (Do I get to pick the song?)

* “This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.” (Yuck.)

* "Now I feel flatulent, and you did it." (said the man to the can of Heinz Baked Beans...)

"How can you say you love her if you can't even eat her poop?" (So THIS is how we declare our love these days? Okay...)

"The suit was custom-made" became in one subtitle, "The suit was made by Mr. Custom". (and he custom makes suits??? What are the chances??? Oh. Wait.)

"Pans of hot grease" became in a subtitle "pants full of hot grease" (That was a Gilmore Girls episode, apparently)


I leave you with this.

You must, I repeat, MUST look at this if you want a giggle. It worked for me.

Now . . . does anyone have any funny subtitle bloopers of their own to share? Or the link to the aforementioned bbc blooper website? Or you could just share what you think about tv stations who can't even translate their own language into subtitles correctly?

(Thanks to the following websites where I found the above bloopers. Go check 'em out if you like funny subtitle crap.)

Saturday, 8 October 2011

JOBS I COULDN'T DO . . . PART TWO . . .

Today as I sat on an aeroplane, I was inspired to do a follow-up to a post I wrote almost three years ago now about the jobs I would definitely never feel capable of doing (see here for the first post). So let's go!

*Air stewardess - this was the one who set it off. I have so much respect for people who do this job because I couldn't. I hate having to deal with the public face to face. I hate having to wear a uniform. And, most of all, I dislike flying. To do it AS A LIVING??? Oh no no no no no no NO!

*Holiday rep - this one also probably got me thinking. 1) I' m not outgoing enough. 2) they earn peanuts. 3) they hardly get any time off 4) the poloshirt/short combo (that seems to be the uniform that I have encountered in my time on holidays) would really not be an outfit I felt was particularly flattering on me. Being in the sunshine would be nice. Not being able to laze about and read a book? Not so nice...

*Lawyer - I couldn't. I mean, I've watched Legally Blonde. Okay, Reese mighta made it look easy. But it sounds like waaayyyy too much memorising to me. Oh, and speaking in public. Not for me.

*Optician - I'm squeamish about my OWN eyes. How could I look deeply into and analyse other people's???

*Salesperson - I don't like to interact with most people. Therefore how could I SELL shit to them??? You see my point, yes?

*Work in a bar/wine shop - If you have ever read my blog at all, you can see my issue here. SELL people alcohol, have ready access to alcohol.... yet not be allowed to drink it myself??? Come on to FUCK!!!


AND . . . so comes to an end part 2 of jobs I can't do. Anymore you reckon I can't do? Or what can you not see YOURself unable to do??? Please feel free to share.