Saturday, 30 July 2011

WISHING . . .

Sometimes I wish things were so much more simple.

When I was a kid, things seemed so much easier. Before I knew about love, or heartbreak or tragedy or any of that shit. I was just living, having fun, going to school (blech!) - the most complicated thing in life was whether or not my parents would let me go to my friend's sleepover, or buy me that new top I really wanted from Tammy Girl.

I actually remember my first "shopping spree" when I was about 11 or 12. I was so excited about it. I spent approximately eight pounds and my purchases included a roll-on deodorant and a pair of (obviously fake!) pear earrings. Nowadays I spend eight pounds on a bottle of wine and feel nothing. And deodorant? Well, that's just a necessity.

Sometimes I wish I could go back.

I don't want to live in my own falling-apart little bubble that seems to have been surrounding me for the past few months, and on and off for years before that. That supposed "real world" where things rarely go to plan, relationships fall apart, health deteriorates for no apparent reason, people pair off around you while you go through one break-up after another, with no idea of what you're doing wrong or how to change things. I hate the struggle. I'm so over it.

I feel . . . defeated. That's really the only way I can describe it. Being a grown-up has actually worn me down and I don't think I can do it anymore.

I just want to be a kid with no worries again.

It would be so much easier.

Monday, 18 July 2011

AN EARLY CHEER-ME-UP TUESDAY . . .

I figured that I could use some cheering up today. After having a great weekend with friends, I'm now alone again and feeling ridiculously down. So I've brought Cheer-Me-Up Tuesday forward a day!

My favourite advert right now:



And now, a spoof of it:




You are welcome.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

LONELY . . .

I'm at that post-break-up stage where I hate to be alone. Being alone means thinking and the majority of my thoughts right now aren't positive. I think I'm teetering close to the edge of depression, and it's a bit scary.

Nearly a year now since this all started. A YEAR. Months of uncertainty after a drunken situation at a wedding, finally leading to a date, a bit more uncertainty, and then nearly six months of . . . well, unusual happiness (by my standards). This time a year ago, if you'd told me any of that was going to happen . . . I would never have believed it. Perhaps it would have been better if I HADN'T gone to that wedding, the wedding which opened up this whole can of worms. I nearly didn't go. Even on the day of it, I was still swaying backwards and forwards as to whether I was going.

If I hadn't gone, I feel almost certain I wouldn't feel this badly now.

But then "what ifs" are fairly pointless. You can't change the past (if only you could).

The weird thing is, I've barely cried. I'm devastated but the tears won't really come. I've not managed to have a therapeutic bawl my eyes out moment yet. I think I'm possibly still in denial with the suddenness of it all. It'll hit me eventually, I'm sure.

In the meantime I'll continue to try and fill my free time and surround myself with friends, and try to accept that this is over.

It's so damn hard though. It really is.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

CONFIDENCE . . .

Yesterday I was told in a work capacity that I am a very good worker but I lack confidence.

This wasn't a surprise to me. It has, in fact, been a recurring theme through my life.

As a child, my school reports were peppered with the "lacks confidence" phrase. "Clever but lacks confidence." "Good at (insert subject here, unless it was PE) but lacks confidence" . . . blah blah blah ad nauseum.

Unsurprisingly, my lack of confidence isn't just in my ability to do things. I do suffer from a lack of confidence in general. You might find it hard to believe, but I've actually been plagued by shyness most of my life. The funny thing about shyness though is that it can manifest itself in strange ways. You can be scared to speak 95% of the time and then be the life and soul of the party the other 5. Some people catch me in that 5% and think that's the person I am. But it's not. I'm pretty much constantly doubting how interesting I am, and why anyone would actually be interested in talking to me.

(Or in reading this blog for that matter. In particular, this post!)

I guess I'm learning though. My shyness is still there, lurking under the surface, and it still pops up with unfortunate regularity, but it's certainly not as bad as it used to be. It's certainly not holding me back as much as it used to. (Alcohol possibly also helped with that, but that's another story.) And hopefully the fact I'm gaining more confidence in myself as I age means I'll have more confidence in my ability to do certain things.

I certainly want that to be the case. I'm trying my best to be confident it can be. Because if I don't even have confidence in THAT . . . then this whole post has been pretty much a moot point!



What about you? Do you see yourself as a confident person or are you the opposite? And have you ever been told you lack confidence?

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

DUMB AND DUMBER . . .

I feel like a bit of a tool today. Not just because of the usual stupidity that has surfaced over the past few weeks about the decisions I have made over the past six months or so and whether they were the wrong ones all along. I just kept doing stupid things.

For example, I almost cried in a meeting where I was asking about annual leave and was told I probably wouldn't be able to get the week off I wanted. I wasn't ACTUALLY crying, but I could hear my voice rising to a bit of a squeak and was struggling to blink back the tears. Heck, I can't help being over-emotional right now, but it's STILL bloody embarrassing.

Then at lunchtime, I went to sit in the kitchen with my friend and realised that, despite carefully planning my lunch of crackers and pate, painstakingly counting out crackers and placing them in tin foil, then sectioning off some pate to stick in a tupperware compartment . . . I HAD FORGOTTEN A BLOODY KNIFE TO SPREAD IT WITH! Cut to me, using a FORK (because of COURSE I had a fork, even though I had absolutely no need for one) to spread my pate on cracker after cracker, in front of other human beings!!! Duh Paula.

And so to the last stupidity of the day. Which was the stupidest. Me getting up to leave at 4pm, doing my usual OCD check of my bag to make sure I had everything . . . and realising I'd forgotten my housekeys! I usually keep them in the inside pocket of whatever bag i'm using. And they weren't there. I had changed bags this morning, and I'm usually really paranoid that I might forget my keys so always check, but I didn't seem to have them on this occasion! Oh shit! I'd locked myself out!

Cue the panic, which I had of course to share with my surrounding deskmates. "What will you do?" they asked me, as I rummaged frantically through my bag. "How will you get in?"

"I don't know," I mumbled, once again fighting the urge to cry. (What can I say? I'm miserable AND potentially hormonal as well.) "I definitely don't have them. I've checked everywhere. I'm going to have to hope that one of my flatmates is in and actually answers the door. I might even" *gulps* "have to TALK to them!"

But all the same, I marched out of the office, not wanting to stay a moment longer. As I swung my bag onto my shoulder though, I noticed that my bag had a large zippy section on the FRONT of it. And - oh yes - my keys were in there.

How I'd managed not to notice that zippy pocket is beyond me. It's not even like it was a NEW bag; I've had it for years.

I'm going to blame my sadness for making me so stupid.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a new day and I will redeem myself and prove that I'm actually clever after all.

Proving I'm not miserable . . . well, that will probably be rather more of a challenge . . .


What stupid things have you done recently? Please, help a girl out here - it's Cheer-me-Up Tuesday and I NEED cheering up!!!

Monday, 11 July 2011

IF IT WAS UP TO ME . . .

  • chocolate would have no calories

  • alcohol wouldn't make you do anything you may regret later

  • war wouldn't exist

  • hearts wouldn't get broken for no reason

  • everyone would be with the person they are destined to be with

  • people wouldn't over-complicate their lives unnecessarily

  • purple and green Skittles would be eradicated from the face of the planet

  • karma - both the good AND the bad kind - would exist rather than appearing randomly and usually in the wrong place

  • AND WE WOULD ALL BE HAPPY.


If only . . .



If it was up to you, what would YOU wish for?

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

THIS WEEK . . .

I'm really not coping right now.

I made it to my GPs finally last week. My symptoms don't seem to match up with any specific illness or condition, so they gave me a month's course of anti-spasmodic medication to see if it helps at all. (You gotta love the guesswork involved in diagnosing someone, eh?) Although things have been a lot better than they were, the pain is still coming and going sporadically. The discomfort is decidedly less intense though.

Of course, now I have the health thing a WEE bit more under control, I can focus on the being alone thing again and that sucks.

I'm miserable and I'm not sure if I can trust anyone with my feelings again. The rejection just hurts too much.

I know it will get better with time. But right now . . . I just want to curl up in a ball and howl.