Sunday, 4 September 2011
HUMAN RACING . . .
So . . . recently I decided to subscribe to the whole kissing-another-man-to-get-over-another school of thought.
Well, technically, I believe it's "get under a man to get over another" school of thought. But I prefer to be on top. Joke - I have too much repressed Catholic guilt to go that far. I think a snog is enough really.
Anyway, this wasn't the first time. When me and Mich went through to the Fringe in E/burgh a few weeks ago, apparently we both snogged our rickshaw driver after I vastly over-tipped him (as in a 100% tip. Fairly excessive). Can't remember this, although Mich assures me he was cute. I'll have to take her word for it. Since the whole "not remembering" thing kind of hampers me actually knowing. (In my defence, we started drinking at 9.30am that day and this was more than 12 hours later...)
But this time... I remember this time. It was slightly closer to home (as in pretty much around the corner) and it was okay, I guess. But it wasn't anything special. I knew when he put on Soccer AM on tv when we woke up (yes, i may not have done anything more than kiss him, but I stayed in his flat, okay? It was like 1 in the morning before we even started kissing, ffs!) that he wasn't for me. I'm not into BLOKE blokes. (Plus he was a Rangers fan, which made the football fixation even worse!) But I still welcomed it as a distraction. A way to keep my mind off my ex.
So it actually, unreasonably, ANNOYED me when i realised that he actually has a thing for another girl. I don't know who the girl is, I have my suspicions, granted, but I was really a bit pissed off about it. My ego was completely bruised. And it was so CHEEKY of me to be annoyed by it since I was bloody well using him in the first place. Sure, I found him attractive, I won't deny that. But he wasn't the guy I wanted to be with. I was just killing time.
But I apparently have this double standard where it's okay for ME to go for second best, but not okay for HIM to do so.
At least I admit it, I guess.
What it comes down to though is this: I feel like I've spent my whole life being second best, or just not good enough. At least when it comes to guys. I'm not particularly high maintenance, I'm understanding, I don't throw strops all the time for no reason. Maybe this is to my detriment. Maybe I should become a needy psycho for them to want me. I don't think that look would work on me though. I'd rather just be me.
I don't want to be second best. I don't want them to be SETTLING for me.
I just want someone to accept me for me and there not to be any fecking doubts!
Is that so wrong of me???