I just knew today was going to be a messed-up day emotionally. I woke at six am and lay there for two and a half hours with my eyes wide open, unable to drag myself out of bed. Even when it got to half past eight, the last point I could get up . . . I had to actually peel myself off the mattress.
And, predictably, I was proved right.
It was a shit day.
Nothing happened in the grand scheme of things to make it worse. It's just my head that's screwed up. My emotions that made me go the the loos for a cry rather than for anything south of the border. My brain that can't stop overthinking anything.
The last time I felt this low was about three and a half years ago.
And now I'm back to feeling, once again, like there's no point in letting someone in . . . because you only end up hurt. And feeling like this . . . it sucks.
I know that tomorrow I might feel a bit more positive. I probably will. But every time I think I'm feeling better, there's a little thought that worms its way inside and makes me feel like shit all over again. The regularity is lessening over time . . . but it still happens, and I still have days like today where I genuinely just never want to leave my flat again, never want to talk to anyone else ever again, and just hide from the fear of letting myself get hurt again.
And now I've vented, I feel a little bit better.
Maybe I'll even make it back for ACTUAL Cheer-Me-Up Tuesday in an hour or two. We'll see . . .