Sometimes I wish things were so much more simple.
When I was a kid, things seemed so much easier. Before I knew about love, or heartbreak or tragedy or any of that shit. I was just living, having fun, going to school (blech!) - the most complicated thing in life was whether or not my parents would let me go to my friend's sleepover, or buy me that new top I really wanted from Tammy Girl.
I actually remember my first "shopping spree" when I was about 11 or 12. I was so excited about it. I spent approximately eight pounds and my purchases included a roll-on deodorant and a pair of (obviously fake!) pear earrings. Nowadays I spend eight pounds on a bottle of wine and feel nothing. And deodorant? Well, that's just a necessity.
Sometimes I wish I could go back.
I don't want to live in my own falling-apart little bubble that seems to have been surrounding me for the past few months, and on and off for years before that. That supposed "real world" where things rarely go to plan, relationships fall apart, health deteriorates for no apparent reason, people pair off around you while you go through one break-up after another, with no idea of what you're doing wrong or how to change things. I hate the struggle. I'm so over it.
I feel . . . defeated. That's really the only way I can describe it. Being a grown-up has actually worn me down and I don't think I can do it anymore.
I just want to be a kid with no worries again.
It would be so much easier.