Thursday, 31 March 2011

MY OWN WORST ENEMY . . .

Today in work I discovered I'd made a mistake, and it's been preying on my mind ever since.

It was a pretty bad error on my part. I mean, it's not like I KILLED someone (thank Christ I don't have a job where a mistake can result in that - the pressure would be waaaayyyy too much for me to handle), but in terms of the work I do, it wasn't great. It could have repercussions.

To be honest though, it's not the possible repercussions that are getting me down the most. It's the self-hatred that has poisoned my mind due to the realisation of this mistake.

I loathe making mistakes and anytime I do, I can't help but overthink things. I can't let it lie. I over-analyse and try to work out how it happened and in this case I CAN'T work it out because I was just clearly being a complete fuckwit. Which makes me even ANGRIER with myself.

(By the way, I feel like I should point out that although I make a lot of mistakes, most of them are not work-related. Most of them are along the lines of having that fifth glass of wine when I knew four was enough and then doing something ridiculously stupid. Which I don't hate anywhere near as much as when I do something stupid - like this mistake - while completely sober.)

I can be way too hard on myself sometimes, but this is something that is going to be in my head for a while.

Which is unfortunate as I'm now on holiday for the next week. Grrrr.


Do you beat yourself up over even the smallest mistake? How do you stop yourself thinking about it?

9 comments:

  1. There's a woman who works at my theatre (in an administrative capacity) whom I dislike. Backstage during a show (after all the administrative people have usually gone home), I was talking to a fellow actor about rude things the woman has said and done. I also said that other people who work in the building say that she's been near being fired several times, but she always throws other people under the bus -- resulting in the others getting fired and her staying on.

    About 15 minutes later, I ran into the woman. And she was suddenly very weird to me. And I realized that there's a decent chance that she overheard some or all of what I said about her.

    Believe me, I've been beating myself up over that.

    I may not like her, but I hate to think that I've hurt her.

    I had a little talk with God about it. I've decided that the most important thing is to learn from my mistake, and try to not badmouth other people. I can't change what I did, but I can try to prevent it from happening in the future.

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  2. You know, in my last job I made lots of mistakes. I'd think I was doing something right and it'd turn out I wasn't. There was not set way of doing things and everyone did their work differently. But whatever way I would do it was always wrong, it seemed.

    I got talked to about my mistakes but I never seemed to learn from them because no one ever really took the time to go over them with me and tell me what I was doing wrong. When I'd ask what I could do to improve my performance, I never really got any clear answers. Often, I was just told to do things that I'd already been doing since the beginning.

    When I'd ask for help with something, I was made to feel completely stupid. So I quit asking. I was only supposed to go to one person, the asst. manager, for help. I tried going to other people for help when I needed it but the asst. manager ALWAYS found out and I'd get in trouble every.single.time.

    I hated that job. I miss the tiny paycheck since I'm not making one now but I sure don't miss feeling like I'm stupid every single day.

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  3. Oh, and enjoy your holiday!

    I have this week off from school and am loving it! I have a ton of homework though so it doesn't really seem like I'm off.

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  4. I beat myself up and second guess self ALL THE TIME. Actually, I'm getting better about it since I gave up Catholic guilt in January.

    Can you call someone at work to help you out? Can it wait a week? I hope this doesn't ruin your week off.

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  5. I make a lot of mistakes too. But I'm way too easy on myself. Ice cream! Ice cream helps.

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  6. OMG I'm so the same as you - I feel so sick when I think of something I have done wrong... I find it really hard to get over it :(

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  7. i second guess myself all the time it's so annoying. everyone makes mistakes so ease up on yourself a little.

    have a great holiday!

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  8. I am the queen of this! I feel bad, I try to talk it out with someone, that usually isn't enough to calm me so I journal it out. Then I can usually look back at what I've written about the situation and see it's not as bad as I thought and that I'm not an awful human being and then I find something nice to do for myself so I can chill - get absorbed in some trashy TV or paint my nails or something.

    Don't let your mistake wreck your holiday!!! Enjoy it, OK? You deserve it - mistake or no mistake :)

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  9. LOL! If I had a penny for every mistake that I have made, I could probably retire. I work for a japanese company and the philosophy with us is that it is not the size of the mistake that matters, but rather how you deal with the mistake. We are all human, so we are bound to trip up now and again (and some of those trip ups can be real bloopers), but as long as we learn by them and repair them, that is what matters... after all true experience comes from mistakes. Those that make a mistake and walk away from it or lie about it are the ones that make real mistakes. I used to lay in bed and worry about any mistakes that I made, but was taught only to worry about things when I was in a position to do something about them. When you are laying in bed, or in your case on holiday, there is no point worrying about them as you can't do anything about it then. Just simply focus on putting it right when you return to work. I do hope you had a fantastic time on holiday and that the mistake has gone away now.

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