Wednesday, 22 September 2010


***Ensure you are stocking shelves or rails wherever a customer is trying to look. Y'know, cos they LIKE the challenge of trying to peer around you to see or reach the thing they are looking for.

***And if you arrive WHILE they are looking, make sure that you push them out of the way without so much as an "Excuse me" or "Sorry". Yeah, manners - or lack thereof - are not important.

***Yell at people in changing rooms for no apparent reason. Yep, customers LIKE that.

***Remember that the customer is always wrong. Repeat this mantra on a daily basis. Now you can take the high ground and look down on them.

***If they challenge how much change you have given them after a purchase, refuse to admit on any level that you might be wrong. Make THEM feel uncertain about it and apologise to YOU.

***If the customer asks for a bag to put their purchases in, inform them that they are ruining the environment. Refuse to consider that they might just not always be sensible enough to be carrying a spare bag on them.

***Oh, and speaking of bags, if a customer has bought a bottle of wine, a couple of tins, and a few other heavy-ish items, don't EVER consider double-bagging them or putting them into more than one bag. Because why SHOULD the customer miss out on their bag giving weigh under the weight halfway home? It just wouldn't be RIGHT now, would it?

***If you HAVE to be nice to the customer for any length of time, make sure it only continues until after they tell you they don't want the store card you are trying to entice them with. Otherwise, what's in it for you???

***Hover around where a customer is standing looking at something, and the second they move away from the item, rush over conspicuously and straighten it. Making them feel guilty for touching things is FUN!

If you were advising someone on how NOT to be a good shop assistant, what would you tell them to do?


  1. Augh, what a list! I really hate annoying employees--it's almost enough to make me not want to shop at some places.

  2. Oh goodness what a list!!

    I would add "remember, customers usually take invisibility pills with their All Bran in the morning, so if you totally ignore them while they're waiting for acknowledgment, it's PERFECTLY OKAY" :)

  3. I'd tell them to always be on the phone chatting to their girlfriends when a customer approaches the cash register. Then they should give the customer a look of disdain and continue their conversation for at least another 5 minutes before finally saying " oh, i'd better go. I'll call you back in a minute " and THEN serving the customer.... rude bitches!

  4. Give me the once over as if you disapprove of what I'm wearing (fuck you, ya neddy bitch!).

    OR fawn all over the guy I'm with, regardless of whether or not he's my boyfriend (back the fuck off ya attention seeking wee 'hoor!).



  5. You got it mostly covered. I think if I were trying to be a horrible shop assistant I would def. fit people in the most unflattering clothes possible, bc.. if I was the worst then I would also be a major bitch. right?

  6. I could get B to write a how to be an annoying customer in a shop response to this!

    As for the last one, he says the folding thing is because they are so bored waiting for customers that folding tops keeps them entertained. Its no wonder they jump on them so quickly.

    Most of the points here have been banned from his shop - maybe thats why people think it is snooty - as it isnt normal!

  7. My piece of advice to be a bad shop assistant would be selling expired products!!

  8. Hahahaha - this cracked me up! I hate retail workers sometimes. But then I think about how miserable they are.

  9. For them to either completely ignore you the entire time or do just the opposite and NEVER leave your side. There IS a happy medium! Find it! :)

  10. I would totally recommend things I know they don't want, and hit on their GF's right in front of them...awww yeah..but that's how I roll ;-)

  11. Ha ha this was funny! I know how it is to be on both sides, sometimes customers can be kinda psycho too ya know? :-)

  12. May I add to this fabulous list?

    Offer a customer to sign up to the store's mailing list and, upon hearing a "No, thank you", frown and roll your eyes and say "Well... you're CERTAINLY missing out then".



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