Today I headed to the Botanic Gardens for the first time in . . . well, probably since LAST April/"summer". The weather was lovely, me and my sister had magazines, a picnic (consisting of M&S sushi, tuna sandwiches and cocktail sausages), the gardens were relatively quiet . . . it was great!
But, like vermin, the annoying people began to fill the park.
I admit, I get annoyed way too easily. I think anyone who knows me and/or reads my blog on a regular basis will know this about me. I'm sorry, that's just who I am. But there are certain things I am pretty sure would annoy everyone in this case. And since I like this little "How *Not* To Guide" series I have fallen into by accident, I thought I would continue it. So here's how not to annoy me when I'm trying to sunbathe in my local park . . .
- PLEASE make sure you plonk your crap really close to me. It's fine - I know there's TONS of spare grass around me. You sit RIGHT NEXT to me. I don't mind. Go ahead. I don't have any issue with personal space whatsoever.
- Proceed to talk in a really loud voice. About a lot of crap. Seriously. I CARE that your relationship is on the rocks. Or that the person you are talking to didn't believe you were dyslexic when you first met ten years ago and now that is the funniest thing you have to talk about. Or that you once strangled someone. (I heard someone say that today. For real. I think they were just trying to get attention, so I pretended not to react.)
- When you sit, with your back to me, make sure I can see your gasman's cleavage (ie. at least part of your arse crack). Because I love that. Who the hell doesn't???
- If you are a guy, stare at me, or other girls, and don't worry that we might catch you. OBVIOUSLY, when you wear sunglasses, this makes you invisible. We can't see you checking us out. It's kinda like Harry Potter's cloak that makes him invisible. REAAAALLLLYYYY . . . *rolls eyes*
- If you have kids, PLEASE let them chase the pigeons. We like to have pigeons flying at our heads while we are trying to relax. Seriously. It's GREAT fun.
- Throw food about. This also attracts pigeons. Yay.
- And, when you leave, don't take your garbage with you. (Fucking litter louts.)
- It's nice you love each other, it really is. But please don't virtually shag one another in public. It's indecent. (I know this might be cheek judging by my last TMI post but during the day in parks I'm not generally drinking and at least I KNEW everyone at that party...)
- Yoga moves, in public, for all to see, are GREAT entertainment. (Actually, all sarcasm aside, that's sort of fun to watch. When we run out of magazines to read, it gives us something to do. But I'm not sure everyone would agree.)
I want to finish with a note on drinking in public. Personally, I don't have an issue with this, but apparently the law does. This is something I have always found very frustrating because I believe the staff in public places picks and chooses who they "catch" drinking. I have sat in a park and saw the workers throw out, or take alcohol away from "the neds" with their beer bottles, but ignored the west end yuppies sitting with their picnic blankets, kids and champagne in actual real glass flutes. It infuriates me. You know what? I dislike neds, but they have just as much right to sit and drink in a public place as the yuppies do.
And today I saw a bunch of guys and girls, who weren't neds by any means, be told to leave the Botanic Gardens because they were drinking beer . . . and two minutes later, four girls were caught drinking, sweet talked their way out of it, then continued to drink.
I hadn't even NOTICED the first group prior to them being chucked out - despite them being about six feet away from us (by the time they arrived the park was quite busy, therefore you don't mind as much when people sit quite close to you.) The second group though . . . they were loud, obnoxious, and just annoying. Why was it fair that they got away with drinking (and CONTINUING to drink) when the first group didn't?
Moral of the story? If you want to drink in a park, make sure you plan it in advance and decant your alcohol into a less suspicious receptacle . . . AND keep an eye out for park staff. Unless you are really posh and think you can pull it off.
Now I need to go and sort out some after-sun lotion, methinks . . .
Opinions on public drinking?