Monday, 8 March 2010

LETTING GO . . .

I've always found letting people go pretty difficult. With my ex of five years, it was harder than most, as I had to let him go TWICE. First as a boyfriend. Then, after we managed to salvage a friendship from the remains of our relationship, I managed to screw that up too . . . so then I had to let him go as a friend too.

Yet deep down I haven't stopped caring about him. I don't have the feelings I did anymore . . . there's too much bitterness bubbling over now after all that has happened. But I still don't like to hear that anything bad has happened to him.

I found out today that his dad died over the weekend.

I hadn't even known he was ill. I knew he HAD been, a while back, but apparently he had been ill again.

I was unprepared for how much it upset me. When my friend told me, I was surprised to find myself actually struggling to hold back the tears. Partly I guess it was because I knew his dad - on my first date with the ex, I actually accidentally ended up meeting his parents. They were always very nice to me on the rare times I saw them.

But my heart is breaking for my ex too. He may not have spoken to me in three years, we might not have been together for five, but I just feel absolutely AWFUL for him. I can't even put into words how much this has affected me. I just know he must be absolutely devastated.

I wish he knew that I still cared. I doubt he would care himself if he DID know, but I just wish I could be there for him. As it is, all I can do is stay away and say a prayer for him and his family and loved ones.

I have to let this urge go, just like I had to let him go. But I just hope he will be okay.

24 comments:

  1. oy, that's so tough! I've gone through similar situations, and it's hard to figure out what to do! Maybe drop a short nice email? I did that once and they appreciated it, but it's totally up to you! So sorry love!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Poor you.

    You have to move on though.

    I know. It's crap. But you have to.

    Poor poor you. Most folks have been there though.

    ReplyDelete
  3. do you have his address? Perhaps pop a card in the post for him to let him know you're thinking of him?
    x

    ReplyDelete
  4. hey lady Im sorry to hear about your ex's dad. When it comes to real life issues like a parent dying its only natural to feel like you need to help. I commend you for letting him go, I'm trying to do a similar thing to a guy I dated for 4 years. If it would give you some closure & peace with the situation I agree with Julie a short email or a sympathy card wouldn't hurt. Your not letting back in your life but in times like this knowing that someone cares could maybe help him in some way. Good luck dear & R.I.P. to his father.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My condolences, that's a tough situation.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ugh, don't you just hate that? When you're with someone for that long, you just become attached to their whole world. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I like some of the suggestions above - a card never hurts. He'll appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ah that's so sad - and yes, it's hard to know what to do. I don't think getting in touch is out of line, and I'm sure it would be massively appreciated. Sometimes at times like these it's worth swallowing your pride and risking getting dumped on.

    ReplyDelete
  8. it's so hard to hear news like this and not want to reach out. but like you said it's probably best if you don't. *hugs

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sorry. Have you considered sending him and his family a card saying that you're sorry for their loss and thinking about them? Or would that open up to many doors..

    ReplyDelete
  10. You've got so much love in your heart. And that's just absolutely great & admirable. I wish I could have this kind of love/respect for any of my ex's..

    Like miss*H suggested, maybe pop a card in the post? Just to show that you care and are sorry for his loss.

    x

    ReplyDelete
  11. I agree with everyone else. I think an email or card would be appreciated. I don't know anyone that wouldn't appreciate a note from an ex when they were going through this.

    ReplyDelete
  12. by all means send an e-mail or a card. you will always regret it if you don't.

    we had a similar situation in our family. my father-in-law walked out on the family about 15 years ago. well, he died last Christmas. My daughter sent a card because she said it's what her dad [also deceased] would have wanted.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Its very sweet of you... but I totally understand.

    I've been having the same problems (letting go) as of late and Im just... Im so not sure what to make of it all.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I totally get this. I can't say I've shared this experience, but I understand everything you go through getting over an ex, and how much it can shock you when old feelings get dragged up at random times.

    I would want him to know I was thinking about him too. I know how much of a struggle it can be to let these things go.

    And hey, if you ever want to vent about exes, lemme know! Haha!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh :( That is so sad..I would def. send a card!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm sure that your ex would be touched by how his dads death is affecting you. Big hug girl. Would you think of going to his funeral?xx

    ReplyDelete
  17. It is really hard to leave the past behind when you care so much.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks for all the advice, peeps! I'm really not sure he would appreciate a card from me (definitely wouldn't appreciate me turning up at the funeral) so I think I'll just focus on prayers, which is unlike me, but maybe that means they will work better because I do it so rarely.

    It just sucks to be in this position where i still want to be there for him. But he's got his mum and his new (well, she's been his girlfriend since not long after we split, but she's still newer than me!) girlfriend and friends there for him. He doesn't need me there anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm so sorry. It sucks. Maybe send an email or facebook msg just saying your condolences would help both of you to heal and maybe even rebuild.

    ReplyDelete
  20. P, just to add Mr W's Dad passed away 2 years ago and his ex sent him a card in the post for him and his family just to let them know that she was sorry for their loss. He really appreaciated the thought even if he'd rather not see her in person again

    x

    ReplyDelete
  21. That is tough. But credit to you that you have such a big heart that it still affects you.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I agree with Miss H. Send him a card in the mail; it doesn't have to say much. just offer him and his family your condolences. you'll feel better and i'm sure he'll appreciate it, regardless of how he may feel about you.

    ReplyDelete
  23. wow. tough one. i'm afraid i'll be in the same position someday. i hope i handle it with such compassion and grace.

    ReplyDelete

You wanna leave me a comment? Come on, you know you want to really . . . ;)