As LiLu says: Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
So I don't really have a story to tell this week I'm afraid. But that doesn't mean I still can't go a little TMI on your ass. Or on my OWN ass. Sitting on the toilet . . .
I've mentioned on several occasions on here that I'm kinda pee shy. I find it really hard to make my wee wees in public toilets . . . particularly the ones in my office.
If there is someone else in the toilets at the same time as me, I find it nigh on impossible to actually pee - even when I'm desperate! Someone once told me that I pee really loudly* - it may have been a one-off but I've been a bit paranoid about that ever since. (Some are paranoid about their thighs, others their lisp . . . I'm paranoid about the volume of my pee - in more ways than one. Niiiccceee. But it's the cross i have to bear.) I also worry that I'm going to involuntarily do one of those farting noises while I pee and someone will hear. And I HATE farting, so that would just make my paralysing fear of peeing even worse!
Anyhoo . . .
So if you ever happen to be in the vicinity of my office, see me go to the toilet and want to make my peeing experience as uncomfortable as possible, here are some suggestions as to how you can do so . . .
- choose the stall next to me . . . even though we are the only two people in the toilets at that precise moment
- sing while you pee. (Seriously, who DOES that??? It's totally the anthithesis of good toilet etiquette. Flies in THE FACE OF IT, in fact.)
- whistle why you pee. (Possibly even MORE irritating)
- come into the toilet to make a phone call which is clearly of the private variety. (to be honest, I don't care if it's private or not, or in English or not; it doesn't matter whether I understand it or not - IT'S STILL PUTTING ME OFF MY GAME!)
- similar if you come in with someone else to have a so-called private conversation. Then I have TWO witnesses to my pee volume problem (PVP). And, if it's an INTERESTING conversation (ie gossip about someone I know) then I'll probably just FORGET to pee at all!
- come into the bathroom and have a moment or two of indecisiveness of not being able to decide what stall to choose. Go in and out of a few of them, letting the door slam behind you each time (we all know how I feel about door slamming too.)
- decide to push on the door of the cubicle I am currently installed in. (Yes, because the engaged sign on the door apparently does not exist)
- don't come in to actually PEE at all. Instead, spend ten minutes doing your make up in front of the mirror. Silently. (So you can hear EVERYTHING! And so I can HEAR that YOU can hear everything . . .)
- you know how that thing some people do so that no one can hear them pee? Where they line the bowl with toilet paper? Do that. Only spend about five minutes pulling bits of toilet paper out of the dispenser, wasting half a roll of the stuff as you do so. The noise the dispenser makes sets my teeth on edge and also makes me even MORE paranoid about the volume of my pee - since obviously you are a pee-noise-nazi (PNN for short) yourself and may judge me.
- loud nose blowing or a hacking cough will not only cause my bladder to retract, it will also make me feel mildly sick.
- if you are one of the rare folk who unashamedly poos in work - COMPLETE WITH SOUND EFFECTS. It makes me wonder why I'M so paranoid!
Anyone else suffer from the pee-shy affliction? Or are you one of the tormentors of the pee-shy, as mentioned above? Feel free to share anything - apart from your urine sample obviously.
*You're probably wondering how that particular subject came up in conversation. It's a fairly boring story so it's probably better if you just imagine a far flung scenario that's far more interesting than the truth . . .