Wednesday, 29 April 2009

AM I *THAT* SCARY???

I have to admit I do have a tendency to put a bit of a scary face on when I walk. Hmmm. To be honest, it's probably more of an angry grimace than scary. I just usually get so frustrated by the idiots around me who walk into my path and the white van men shouting and leering, that I go into this default face. (Yes, the kind of face that makes strangers say "cheer up love, it might not happen" . . . then live to regret it).

Anyway, I was walking home today and minding my own business as I walked past the private school near to my flat. There were a couple of cars dotted about on the street with parents waiting for their kids in them and as I went to walk past one of these cars, I swear to God the woman inside suddenly decided to lock herself into the car. I HEARD the lock click.

Was she scared that I was going to steal her car? Open the door and mock her for sending her kids to private school? Throw my tiny Boots the Chemist bag containing a low fat pasta salad and low-calorie cream soda at her???

Did she mistake me for some city thug in my work clothes? (I should point out I do NOT work as a city thug, which might have been an understandable mistake.)

I was very bemused by the whole thing. And kind of annoyed that she thought that little of me.

But I can't help but wonder if I WOULD make a good city thug . . . Frightening people could be fun!

Monday, 27 April 2009

IF YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ . . .

Everytime I decide I am going to tidy up my room, I remember that not only am I a hoarder of the highest order, but that I also buy waaaayyyyy too many celebrity gossip magazines.

In fact, I buy these pretty much exclusively over any other type of magazine (with the exception of the occasional health and fitness magazine, which I like to eagerly read while devouring a Dominos pizza with extra cheese, or imbibing several glasses of rose wine - yes, the irony hasn't evaded me). For one thing, they don't have the ridiculous ad: editorial ratio that the big name magazines like Vogue and Cosmo have.

And, more importantly, they don't waste time with all that thought provoking journalism crap.

Instead, it's sensationalism at its best.

And who knows whether the fuck its true or not. Who cares???

It's just bloody fun to read!

I love that I could buy two different magazines, out on the same week, and read an article in one which contradicts the article on the same subject in the other. Oh look, Brangelina is on the rocks. Oh no, wait, this magazine says that they aren't. Oh, and magazine number three says that Jen would take Brad back in a heartbeat if they do break up. (Man, I love her, but that girl is a glutton for punishment.)

Even funnier is when there are two articles in the SAME magazine which contradict each other. The same issue of the same magazine and they can't even get the story straight. Ha. You're really doing your homework there, dudes!

I particularly love their swing between slagging off celebrities that are too thin for their own good to slating the ones who have put on weight. One week they are talking about "fabulous beach bodies" and showing us pictures of the skinniest actresses in bikinis to make us feel bad about themselves . . . the next issue they talk about a survey they did with a bunch of guys which says that basically no guys think Cheryl Cole has a nice body and that they like REAL women bodies. Usually the "real woman picture" which accompanies the article is someone who ALLEGEDLY has curves. You know, like size zero Eva Longoria or something like that. Er - newsflash - just because someone doesn't go straight up and down doesn't ACTUALLY mean they have proper curves!

I realise that most of what I have written here so far makes it sound like I am seriously slagging off gossip magazines. And I suppose to some extent I am. Because I LOVE to read them, but I also love to HATE them. I mean, even if the knowledge I get from them isn't one hundred per cent substantiated, even if its a pile of utter BOLLOCKS, its something to talk about.

Plus it makes you realise that celebrities, deep down, are just as messed up as us normal folk.

Apparently . . .

Sunday, 26 April 2009

THE STRANGEST BUS TOUR EVER . . .

When I was a teenager, we didn't go abroad much. It was all Pontins holiday camps in places like Blackpool, North Wales and Devon. When we DID go abroad, it was mainly on coach tours.

I didn't really mind them that much, apart from the fact it always took so damn long to reach your destination. Even me, nervous flyer extraordinaire, could clearly see that spending a day getting to Paris on a coach seemed fairly pointless when you could fly there in a mere fraction of that time. Luckily, Paris and Belgium were the furthest we ever went.

At brunch the other day, me and my sister and mum were talking about the coach tours and it reminded me of the Belgium holiday and what happened when we went to Brussels for the day.

Picture the scene - the five members of my family are sitting in a coach which is essentially full of old people. With the exception of one other kid and me and my siblings, my mum and dad (who would have been late forties at the time) are the youngest people on the bus. We're getting a guided tour of Brussels on the coach . . .

And we drive into the city's red light district.

This is pointed out to us by our guide. In other words, this isn't just an accidental happening.

IT'S PART OF THE TOUR!!

Immediately I was thinking "this is weird! We're in a bus full of grannies and they are showing us PROSTITUTES???"

But curiosity outweighed any sort of horror I was feeling, and I couldn't help but look at the women displaying themselves in what appeared to be shop windows. There was one seductively eating a banana that caused me to giggle uproariously - as a banana-hater, I just couldn't understand why she was enjoying eating it so much! And then . . . Further along the street, a man was loitering outside the window talking to another woman. Apparently they were involved in some sort of business transaction . . .

So we were watching a guy barter with a prostitute??? Nice!

The thing I found weirdest of all though? No one on the bus appeared to be fazed by this. I didn't hear any of the oldies say they thought it was inappropriate or out-of-order. I think I was more freaked out by it than anyone else

Yes, that was one strange day . . .

Saturday, 25 April 2009

IT'S ALMOST HERE!!!

I had a lovely brunch with my mum and sister this morning. And finally got my holiday tickets off my mum (they were delivered to my parent's address because I still have my bank card registered there).

Now it feels properly official - two weeks today me and my flatmate are off to Rhodes. Pefkos, to be exact. It looks like a lovely place and I'm so excited. I really could use a holiday right now so this is going to be just what I need.

As for July's holiday, me and my sister had almost settled on Tenerife and then today my mum throws a spanner in the works with some mild scare-mongering. She says to us "But Mount Teide* is due to erupt this year." Immediately freaking me and my sis out.

Turns out she doesn't so much mean it might erupt this year but APPARENTLY (first I've heard of it), it erupts roughly once every hundred years and the last time it erupted, according to her, was 100 years ago. I just checked on wikipedia and turns out it last erupted in 1909 so she is right.

Of course, this has now managed to put me and my sister off going there, so looks like it's going to be back to square one.

Sometimes I wish we weren't such big chickens . . .

Anyone else off anywhere nice on holiday soon? Or have you ever been somewhere you considered to be a bit "dangerous"? Feel free to share!!!


*the volcano in the centre of the island

Friday, 24 April 2009

THE DREADED P.S.I. . . .

Sounds like some sort of STD doesn't it?

Don't worry, it isn't. (At least not that I know of anyway . . . )

I'm talking about Personal-Space Invaders.

I hate them.

I am very possessive of my own personal space. At least when it comes to strangers. I realise there are points where people can't help being very close to you. But I can't stand it when someone is right on top of me, for no reason!!! Lauren was talking about this a couple of weeks ago, when she posted a picture of a girl who was virtually sitting on her on the subway. Very annoying, right?

And then the same thing happened to me on the Glasgow subway the other day. I got on at St Enoch, onto a virtually empty train, and this dude decides to sit right next to me. He was close enough as it was, but then two other people decided to sit on the other side of him and, despite the fact there was plenty of space for them, he shoved up even closer to me. Anytime the train jerked, there would be waaayyyy too much body contact from him. In the end I was contorting my body against the wall, trying my hardest not to let him touch me, tutting fairly loudly to try and get my point across, fucking RAGING when I could see that there were tons of free seats on the train and why the FUCK did he have to be so bloody near me. I was absolutely furious.

It's much the same way when I'm in a shop and there's one other person in the shop - who seems determined to get in my way the whole time. Like why is it that no matter what it is I want to look at, THEY suddenly want to look at it too? And have to get totally into my space to do it??? It's so unbelievably annoying that I end up wanting to strangle the person involved. Can't they just wait until I'm done? If it's me and the other person is looking at something I want to look at, I try and wait until they're done and moved off before I take my turn. It's only polite, surely?

And then the other day I went to the sunbed and as I was sitting on a chair waiting for my go at baking my skin, a guy sat down in the seat next to me. He was uncomfortably close as it was but then, even more annoyingly, he started tapping his foot on the floor to the music that was playing. I say "tapping" . . . it was more like "thumping" really. The whole floor around me was shaking due to his close proximity to me. NEXT THING, he put his foot ON TOP OF MY FOOT. It didn't hurt, but he wasn't even AWARE of it. I had to pull my foot out from underneath his, which he MUST have noticed, but did I get an apology??? Did I FUCK!!! Arsehole!

Why are some people so damn unaware of how rude they are being???

If there IS a hell, I would like to think that THEIR hell will be a permanent state where people are sitting on top of them, treading on their feet, invading their space and generally just making them feel claustrophobic. Maybe THEN they'll know how it feels too . . .

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

WANTING SOME COMPANY . . .

Last night, me and the guy were exchanging text messages, and out of nowhere, he told me how much he wanted my company at that moment.

It was a random comment out of nowhere, he never really explained it, but I can't describe how much it made me smile.

I don't know why I'm such a sap sometimes but the idea of someone I like, someone I wanted to be in the company of, saying exactly what I had been thinking . . . it was just such a nice thought, I couldn't help it.

God, sometimes I even make MYSELF want to puke . . .

I'll shut up now.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

IT'S SPAM TIME AGAIN!!

You thought I had ran out of spam after last time??? Oh no . . . plenty more coming atcha, whether you like it or not! (And you'd BETTER like it so that SOMETHING good comes out of me receiving so damn much of it!)



Now several months into me first paying attention to spam, I am DEFINITELY noticing some recurring themes in the spam I receive.



We have ones about watches, first of all. Which were the strangest ones, as far as I was concerned. Things like:



A golden watch is a real turn on for woman



or



Hurry to choose your elegant watch for almost free (I couldn't help but wonder what cost is to these spammers "almost free")



or



"At any place of the world you will know the right time." (Providing you remember about the time difference and change the time on the watch dependent on where you are, presumably).



The second type of spam I receive nearly as much are relating to weight loss. Lots about those acai berries, for example. I must have been offered several hundred punnets full of them so far. Or there is this one . . .



You will get lots of compliments on your waistline.



The day I'm told I have a "nice waistline", I will be pretty damn surprised. Because it would be an odd compliment indeed. And if a LOT of people told me this, I would be convinced it was a conspiracy!



But of course, the most recurring pieces of spam do relate to sex in some form or another. The ones that try to rhyme are always amusing for example.



Your chick will be impressed when she sees you undressed.



You can become so proud as you become well-endowed.



Ah, yes. I can see the bumper stickers now . . .



Or some jingles on TV perhaps???



But the best ones of all are those that just come out with it, stick it right in your face and wave it around. Let me present the best of the worst . . .



Have the greatest manhood in your close neighbourhood (shall we have a comparing session to find out? Maybe combine it with a barbeque? Just make sure we don't get the sausages confused with other things, hahahahaha . . .)



Your bed is too cold because no one wants to sleep with your small defect (now, that's just a low blow really . . . )



Your tool will be well designed like from Dolce & Gabbana (what's it wearing? a little black dress? a well cut suit? well, either way, I hope its made of rubber . . . )



Hoist your lover sexual event (Is this going to take place at the barbeque too???)



You can wear your swimming trunks like a crown (Isn't that the sort of thing FIVE year olds do??? I mean, I know when I was five I used to wear my potty like a hat. I'm presuming it's NOT the same thing though . . .)



But I think this one has to be my favourite this time around. I'm not even going to comment on it. I'm just going to put it out there . . .



Now you can poke your big impressing tool into everybody's business.



Oh yes.



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And before I go, here's a picture that tickled me a couple of weeks ago . . . A real life pie chart!!!




Sunday, 19 April 2009

NOW I'VE SEEN IT ALL . . .

This morning I was doing one of my usual Sunday activities - nursing a hangover and lying in bed reading - when I made an interesting discovery. As I came to the end of my book, I came across the following advert . . .

I've always been a bit dubious about dating websites as it is - mainly because I think it's too easy for people to pretend to be something they're not. But this one - Penguin Dating - took the biscuit. Why the FUCK would a publishers have a dating website? Sounds like blatant greed to me.

Anyway, let's think about this logically. The advert (which I know is a little blurry, apologies!) says:

"Meet someone who loves what you love too."

Obviously in this case, they are referring to taste in books.

I suppose that's all very well if you like a good murder mystery or thriller and want someone who has similar interests. Or you're a Tolkien enthusiast and wish to discuss Middle Earth in finite detail for eternity. Or perhaps the finer details of Harry Potter?

My problem? Aside from a liking for LOTR, HP and the occasional Dan Brown novel, I'm a chick lit fan through and through.

Do I WANT a guy with the same taste in novels as me?

Er - well, not really. In fact, enough of the wishy-washy answer. I can say a definitive "no"!

I'd rather have a conversation with a guy where I have to JUSTIFY why I like Jackie Collins or Jilly Cooper (which is something I had to do last week - my answer? "Because it has lots of sex in it." Which kind of shut him up.) than a conversation where we fought over which one of us was the biggest Marian Keyes fan.

Because, really, that would just be WRONG!!!

Anyway, I decided to have a look at the site anyway, just out of interest. That was fun.

Oooh, it's powered by match.com. Yippee.

The member "spotlight" on the first page tells you about a couple of the people who have signed up for it, and what they have last read.

Can you imagine what MINE would look like???

Paula

Glasgow - West

29 year old woman

Last read: "Riders" by Jilly Cooper. Why? BECAUSE IT HAS LOTS OF SEX IN IT, OF COURSE!!! (ps I know I'm holding a glass of wine in the picture but I'm honestly NOT an alcoholic)

(Firstly I should point out I have NOT actually signed up for Penguin dating. And secondly, I read "Riders" years ago. It was actually a far less sex-obsessed chick-lit novel called "Stick or Twist" which I read last - the novel with the Penguin dating advert in it, in fact.)

(Thirdly, if I DID sign up for it, AND used that information as above, it REALLY would be giving people the wrong idea wouldn't it???)

Anyway, that's my two cents on THIS website. Verdict? I just don't see the point of it, frankly!

But then, perhaps I am being too hasty. Because then I read my horoscope and at the bottom it said:
"A dating website looks intriguing. Find out more."

Well, I suppose I DID, didn't I??? ;)

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Today was probably one of the nicest days of the year so far. I spent most of the afternoon in the Botanic Gardens, which is just around the corner from my flat. I actually have a bit of sunburn, which you don't generally expect in Scotland in April. But there you go! Hopefully this is the start of summer now!

On my way back from the gardens, the sky was such a lovely shade of blue that I couldn't resist snapping a couple of pictures on my Blackberry . . .



Isn't the west end pretty in the sunshine??? I feel in such a good mood now.

Shame about having to go back to work tomorrow. But considering I have four-day weeks from now until June (with the exception of the full week I'll be in Rhodes), I can't even really complain about THAT!!!

Friday, 17 April 2009

NOTE TO SELF: WHEN ATTEMPTING A BRIBE, MONEY PROBABLY WORKS BEST . . .

Back in the day, when I used to get drunk and do mental things like chase guys around statues asking them if my boobs were boring, I also did slightly other odd things. I sort of blame the crowd I hung around with, I guess. And also the fact I mainly drank vodka . . .

The most mental thing I guess was the night I was in The Admiral, a pub near my work when I worked for directory enquiries. Where I decided to attempt to bribe a gay guy to sleep with me . . .

What did I try to bribe him with? Not money, if that's what you are thinking.

Rather, it was a Cadbury's Caramel bar.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The thought is in my head because I was reunited with the dude on facebook last night (see what I mean about Facebook bringing people together???) and jokingly asked him if anyone had bribed him with a chocolate bar recently. He said no, that sadly I had been the only one.

Anyway, I probably don't want to think about that night TOO much because it was also the night that me and one of my friends decided to venture into the office while under the infuence at half ten or so on a Friday night - and were forcibly ejected from the premises by security. Oops. I was terrified for days afterwards I was going to land in the shit for that one.

But the Cadbury's Caramel story never fails to make me laugh now - even six or more years on.

Oh, and if you're wondering if he accepted the bribe . . . funnily enough, he didn't.

I can't imagine why not . . . ;)

Thursday, 16 April 2009

NO SENSE OF DIRECTION . . .

The other day, the awesome Maxie posted some secrets of hers. Some were pretty damning (liking Nickelback, pour example!!!). ANYWAY, she mentioned not liking to ask for help, which reminded me of how much I don't like to ask for directions. Much like a man, haha.

The problem? I get lost VERY easily. I can work out where I'm going on a map and then be utterly surprised when the real world isn't map-shaped. Why, for example, is a road straight on a map when in real life? Not so much.

I remember when I started at uni in '97 (yes, THAT long ago, I'm old!!!), I was based at a west end campus of my university. Which was RELATIVELY easy to find (mainly because my dad had taken me to show me where it was and how to get there a week previously). On the last day of orientation week though, I had to go to the main campus to "officially" register. Looking back, I don't know for the LIFE of me how I managed to get lost, but I nearly ended up registering in the wrong university. Ironically the one I didn't have good enough grades to get into. Thankfully I managed to re-orientate myself and get to my destination only a minute or two late. Phew.

My worst getting-lost experience though is the most embarrassing one. Because it was in the west end of Glasgow, an area I had already lived in for several years at the time, and it isn't really THAT easy to get lost. Sure there's lots of twisty streets and dead ends and there's no such a thing as a short-cut . . . but getting lost is pretty damn difficult.

I had actually met my mum down in Partick that morning and after having a leisurely lunch, she had headed home via my grandparents house, and I had decided to go for a sunbed. Then, as I was wont to do, I decided to cut up a side street to make the journey home SEEM a little bit faster (even if it really wasn't).

Except the side street I went up started to double back in the opposite direction. I was fairly confident I would still be able to find my way, but next thing I was on a main road with absolutely no idea where I was and no familiar landmarks. I kept walking anyway - rather than doing the sensible thing and turning back - and the further I walked, the more confused I was getting. I was walking past lots of people but didn't want to look stupid by asking for directions.

Eventually I had to stop, realising I was well and truly lost. I was starting to panic, and still didn't want to ask a stranger. So I ended up phoning my mum. Luckily, because she had been meeting me, her phone was on for a change. She was at my grandparents by this point (I had been lost for a while!) and so ended up trying to give me directions by using an A-Z. Unfortunately given I had no clue where I was, she wasn't getting much sense out of me. Eventually, we managed to find some street names and she, with the help of my brother, managed to navigate me safely to a familiar area.

The best bit? Most of the time while my mum tried to get sense out of me, there were a pair of policemen standing two feet away. Who would probably have been able to point me in the direction of home far quicker. And because of their presence, I was WHISPERING into the phone, so they wouldn't hear me and figure out I was lost.

I guess there really IS such a thing as cutting your nose off to spite your face . . .

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

AM I CINDERELLA??? APPARENTLY NOT . . .

Last night I was out with my friend D and we ended up pretty drunk. Well, I was probably the most drunk as D was drinking pretty slowly so I was having bigger shares of the wine than she was.

I think it was pretty much the last subway home I ended up on (although I can't be 100% sure given how pissed I was) but I do remember this much. That I was walking up the stairs from the platform at Hillhead station and when I reached the top I realised that I'd stepped right out of one of my ballet pumps halfway up.

And there were tons of people behind me.

Eek.

As images of my poor shoe being trampled to death and of me having to limp home with one shoe on ran through my head, someone spotted my predicament and picked up the shoe and brought it to me.

I would love to say it was a handsome prince who tried the shoe on me and it fit and we lived happily ever after, but no such luck.

It was a girl who I could tell was trying really hard not to laugh.

After my reunion with my shoe, I came home and and was involved in a mildly risque text conversation. And then had a silent disco in my room until half one in the morning.

So there's my mundane story of the day . . .

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

ROYALLY FLUSHED . . .

One of my very least favourite things about living in the UK is the whole concept of the monarchy. I'm aware some people are fascinated by it, and its part of our history, and a great tourist draw and all that but . . .

The Royals suck.

Seriously, what do they DO??? As far as I can see, all the Queen herself does is interrupt every Christmas day with a mind-numbingly boring speech on the TV which its difficult to escape from. Oh and the way she STARES . . . it freaks me out, she looks like she could freeze someone with one look.

Prince William? Most overrated "hunk" in the world. Since when does having teeth which are far too big for your mouth make someone good looking? I'm assuming it's the "Prince" status that people like about him because as far as I can see? Not much going for him. Kate Middleton could do soooo much better. In fact, it may be a good thing if they get married and have babies because hopefully they would inherit her looks rather than the rather inbred horsey features that most of the Royal Family appear to be in possession of.

But then, wouldn't that be rather going against tradition???

To be honest, I can't actually pinpoint the exact reason I don't like them. I just never have. I don't see the point of them at all. Perhaps its because the Royal Family seems quintessentially ENGLISH, and since I am not English, I can't identify with them. But then I'm sure that a hell of a lot of English people can't identify with them either.

And believe me, it's not sour grapes. I would HATE to be one of them. To live your life under scrutiny, to have to do what you're told (which is the impression I get of them), all while having the features of a horse??? Nah, not for me at all. I like my freedom too much.

There are only two Royals I have any time or respect for. One was Princess Diana. Not only did she use her status to do some good, she also had a bit of an edge. I didn't really appreciate that until she was gone though.

The other? Her son Harry. He seems to be the most NORMAL of the royals. Perhaps this is because he doesn't quite have the pressure on him that William does, as future King. Or perhaps it is that he suffers from some sort of "second child complex". But he definitely is more interesting than any of the other ones, and at least ends up in some mischief once in a while.

Of course, I don't know what I'm saying here. William CLEARLY isn't going to become King.

Because I think there is a fairly big chance that The Queen is in fact immortal . . .

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As for the "Cheer Me Up Tuesday" portion of the post . . . well I am in a bit of a hurry right now as I need to go out and do a food shop and then get ready to go out for dinner tonight, so I don't have time to go looking for something original. So I'm going to turn to a link that Jamie posted on facebook the other week.

When I clicked on the link, it was about half one in the morning and I was laughing so loudly, I was more than a little worried that I was going to wake up my flatmates. But I don't THINK I did.

Anyway, here it is . . .

Monday, 13 April 2009

ONCE AGAIN . . .

I woke up in the middle of the night after a drunken night out. Well, it was more of a DAY out, I guess, it started around two pm yesterday and ended about ten-ish, so its not even like it was a late night. But when you have been drinking six glasses of rose wine - LARGE glasses at that - then it is unlikely you are going to last all that long.

It was a lovely day yesterday. Well, for a WHILE anyway. So lovely that I felt justified in putting my sunglasses on for the first time this year. (Which was handy cos my eyes were bloody sore over the weekend and a bit sensitive to sunlight as a result.) Of course, then it started raining. Luckily, even though we were out the back of one of the pubs in Ashton Lane, we were pretty much sheltered from it, while most other people outside had to run for cover. Hahaha.

So anyway, after we left Bar Brel (it was starting to get cold by this point, despite the outdoor heaters) we headed to Budda, where more wine was drunk. By me. Of course. And I don't remember getting home. Did I walk? It is highly possible since it is only five minutes away. But I can't be one hundred percent sure.

I just remember waking up on top of my bed, fully dressed (still wearing even my coat!) with a terrible cramp in my left thigh which STILL hasn't gone away.

Is that the mark of a great night (day!)? Probably!

The best part of all though??? I ain't even hungover.

AND . . . I'm not back at work until Thursday. Woohoo!!!

So did anyone else get up to anything nice or interesting this weekend? (Well, I know Meghan did, anyway . . .)

Friday, 10 April 2009

REWIND TO THIS MORNING . . .

. . . and I woke up in a bed in a house I had never been to prior to yesterday.

And I didn't have a stitch on.

When I finally went to COLLECT said clothes I discovered they were dotted randomly all over the bedroom. Basically wherever they had been FLUNG.

I couldn't help but smile.

It appears the "drought" is finally over . . .

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

IT'S WEIRD, I KNOW . . .

. . . But it's Tuesday and I don't need cheering up!!!

How fucking AWESOME is that???

I had an awesome night last night. And then today, things just seemed to go right.

It was awesome. But weird.

Anyway, just cos I don't need cheered up doesn't mean I'm going to leave the rest of you out in the cold. Here you go . . .

Hope you enjoy!

Sunday, 5 April 2009

THE POST WHERE MY LEGS ARE KILLING ME!!!

A couple of years back, one of my friends bought me a book for christmas called "How To Walk in High Heels". The book was about more than just walking in high heels admittedly - it had chapters about various other things too (like understanding politics, working your computer, and so on) but the walking in high heels part was interesting. It was advising you to do things like go to a supermarket and practice walking up and down the aisles in your heels, using the trolley you were pushing as support.

Anyway, for me, its not the walking in high heels that is the problem. I can walk just fine, thanks very much.

It's the fact I always end up with half dead calf muscles within about ten minutes of walking in them. Now THAT is a complete and utter pain in the ass.

I don't really wear high heels very much these days anyway, and tend to stick to flats or wedges. And most of the high heels I DO own and wear are probably fairly comfortable in comparison to other people's shoes. But - oh my god - last night I was fit for crying.

By the time I walked the ten minute walk to the subway, I thought I was going to die.

I wobbled up to the counter for my ticket, headed unsteadily down the escalator and stairs and stood on the platform. The second I stopped, my legs started shaking uncontrollably.

I was just glad there weren't too many people behind me to witness my wobbly pins.

I don't understand why they were hurting me so bloody much but when you are meant to be going on a frigging BOOGIE bus, and can't stand up, it's not exactly going to be the ideal situation to be in.

I had to dance in my seat instead.

Not quite so much fun as dancing around a pole, I have to admit. But there's no way I could have danced on that bus when it was STATIONARY, never mind when it was circumnavigating its way around Glasgow. My legs simply wouldn't have been able to stand it.

I'm so traumatised I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to wear heels again . . .

Saturday, 4 April 2009

HAPPY HALF-BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

It's two fifteen am on April 4th (I've not been to bed yet, although I did pass out for an hour or two when I got back from the pub after work - since then I've been chatting on facebook). And guess what? I'm 29 and a half today!

Does anyone else celebrate half birthdays? I have one friend who does and everyone else looks at me like I'm slightly mental (although that might just be the normal way they look at me, to be honest) when I mention it. Although I'm sure Silver in 90210 celebrated hers, so I didn't feel quite so alone. (Despite the fact she's a 15/16 year old and I'm six months from 30, which I suppose makes it pretty sad!)

But anyway, we always celebrated it as kids. I always expected some sort of treat on the 4th April. Whether it was a little gift, or a special cake. I can't remember whether we sung "Happy Half Birthday" or not. Probably sometimes!

It's weird to think that I'm halfway through being twenty nine now. That I only have six more months of being in my twenties. I can't quite get my head around it.

I'm kinda wondering where the time has gone.

I hope the next six months don't go so fast.

And I hope you all take the time to celebrate your next half birthday in SOME way. Any excuse right?

In other news, look where I'm going to be tomorrow. (I should point out this ISN'T a half birthday celebration for me!)

And how much am I LOVING this song right now - although the video is admittedly a bit of a sex show...

Thursday, 2 April 2009

WALKING ON SUNSHINE!!!

It was sunny today. That made me happy.

The only thing that DIDN'T make me happy? The fact I was stuck in the office.

Why the FUCK do sunny days always coincide with the days you cannot feasibly spend a lot of time outside??? Why do they never occur on, oh I don't know, the WEEKEND??? (Although, if I DID work the weekend, they would probably occur on those days also.) Or how about when one actually has some annual leave booked? For example, the other day I arranged a couple of days off for the week after next. You can virtually GUARANTEE it will rain constantly.

The good thing though? Sunshine, whether I'm trapped inside or not, puts me in a far better mood. Last night, me and one of my friends went for a walk down the Kelvin Walkway next to the river. It was such a nice night, I ended up skipping. I also galloped for a bit. It was just that kinda night. Mental, I know. But that's what sunshine does to me.

Even better? It is just over a month until I'm headed for the Greek island of Rhodes with my lovely flatmate. I am soooo excited to get some PROPER sunshine, to be in a place I've never been before, to get to relax and chill out and read loads of books . . . and hopefully come back with an awesome tan! It feels like AGES since I've had a proper holiday (yes, I KNOW I was in the Canary Islands a mere six months ago but that seems a very long way back now!).

On top of that, it's FINALLY good to go on the late July holiday. Woo-hoo! Don't know where I'm headed yet but, as I think I mentioned back before we had it confirmed, Majorca in the Ballearics seems like a good choice at the moment.

I'm also hoping to get to Southern Ireland this year since I only made it for the day last year and both other trips I had planned there fell through. Fingers crossed it can happen finally this year though. It would be nice to get a proper taste of the place rather than having to get the last bus home to Belfast . . . at nine pm on a Saturday night!! :)

Right now, things seem to be looking up. I don't want to say it for definite as I always feel like it is tempting fate, but I have quite a few things to look forward to at the moment, I am taking everything one day at a time, and liking it this way but . . .

I know the WEATHER, at least, will probably break again soon!!!

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

CARE FOR SOME MORE SPAM???

Tough, you're getting some anyway!

In fact, maybe I should make it a regular thing, since I seem to receive so damn much of the stuff . . .

Ever felt like becoming an elephant? Maybe this can help . . .

Become superhung with enormous trunk

Or how about taking the excitement out of life???

Now you can forget the feeling of rejection forever

Apparently I also have dreams of having a penis . . .

You see your erection only in your dreams?

And here's some REAL dirty talk for you . . .

The price of our watches is really seducing

Someone is really hung up on getting me not just male genitalia but BIG male genitalia . . .

Get a bigger bazooka today (or do they mean a REAL bazooka???)

If your little friend is lazy, the magic blue pill will make him work (wow, that's all I EVER wanted! How did you know???)

Are You Okay? (em - no. You keep sending me stupid spam!)

I told you about him (I know. I wish I'd listened.) (Lol)

It's easier to slide when you have gigantic pride (wouldn't it be easier to slide if I had a gigantic . .. SLIDE???)

A big instrument is a mortgage to success (SERIOUSLY, why spam's utter fascination with size???)

You can look fancy even if you are a simple taxi driver (I have a feeling this may offend some taxi drivers . . . )

And last but not least, an item of spam that has caused a PARTICULARLY disturbing mental image . . .

Your manhood will fly like a white dove - elegant and free


Any choice pieces of spam flown into YOUR inbox "like a white dove" recently???