Sunday, 15 November 2009

BETTER OFF ALONE . . .



It seems fitting that I accompany this post with the song above, its namesake, which is approximately 10 years old.

Why? Because I realised at 19, before I had really had many interactions with the male of the species, that I was probably better off alone.

Any interactions I have had ever since have proved it.

Boyfriend number one, the only one I ever broke up with, who told me about two weeks later, desperately, that he loved me. I found out later he had snogged one of my friends that same night. They went out for far longer than we ever did.

Boyfriend number two, who liked to tell me how much of an ass he had been to girls. At the time, I thought this was an admission of guilt. After I was dumped through a friend, I realised that he was boasting more than anything else. And I was just, to quote Gwen Stefani, "another ex girlfriend on the list." (Yes, I really SHOULD thought of that before we kissed.)

Boyfriend number three, the only one I truly believe thought he loved me at any point. The only one I thought I might love back. The one I lost my virginity to. The one who hates me now.

Boyfriend number four. Who was never really a boyfriend, just in my own head. Just a fling, since he already HAD a girlfriend. Who I'll always regret. I never wanted to be a person who encouraged someone to cheat. I just have to hope he regrets that MORE than I do, given that he was the one who had a significant other waiting at home for him.

Boyfriend number five, who didn't want to admit I existed. Who didn't realise how much it hurts to refuse to hold your girlfriend's hand in public, to panic when you THINK you see someone in a pub that might know both you and your girlfriend. I might as well have been seeing a dude with a girlfriend all over again. (Perhaps I was and didn't make the connection).

Boyfriend number six, a guy who I worshipped in high school and who ten years later admitted he worshipped me too. Yet, after that first heady month of constant texts, dates and facebook chatting had no longer any time for me.

And now Cute Guy who let me down unexpectedly and badly.

Back when I was 19 I decided I would probably be on my own for most of my life. I accepted this fairly happily. I know that I am probably never going to find "the one". It just doesn't seem to be on the cards for me. Even a year ago, I realised this - back when some random from a party asked me out and I realised I was pickier than I realised . . .

I'm not being defeatist here, just realistic. Even if I DID find the perfect guy, who wasn't embarrassed to be seen with me, or didn't want to get back with an ex, I'M going to fuck it up.

Simple fact of the matter is, I generally want to be alone.

I HATE to have to rearrange my life around other people.

I'm far too SELFISH to want a relationship.

The thought of being married chills me inside. Not because I don't like the idea of being with one person forever . . . but because the idea of LIVING with someone else, of having to SHARE A BED WITH THEM . . . freaks me out bigtime.

Right now, I'm happy just sharing my queen sized bed with myself and whatever crap I can't be bothered removing from it before I fall into a drunken stupor.

Maybe one day the one will come along.

But I'm giving up waiting on that happening.

14 comments:

  1. Honey, sometimes you've got to kiss a lot of frogs until you find your Prince.

    Hackneyed, yes but it rings true. The fact you've been messed around so much already means that when the one you're meant to be with finally comes along to sweep you off your feet, and charm all us protective pals (which will be no mean feat!), it'll be all the more special and right.

    Text me during the week and we can go out for a drink or two after work. *huuuuuuuuuugs*

    xXx

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  2. hey, your life sounds exactly like mine. But at least both of us do not seem to fall into that category of pathetic women who throw themselves on every man out there in hopes that one of them will be The One.

    Some guys don't ever realize a good thing when it's right before their eyes. Their loss, not ours.

    I say, concentrate on your career and yourself. And never lower your standards, even when it seems like "Prince Charming" will never come along!

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  3. I come from a family of women who end up finding "the one" later in life (like in their 30s and even 40s) but when they did find their husbands the guys were really awesome and nice and not jerks at all. So, yes, wait for quality and be picky. You deserve it.

    I'm totally the same way about rearranging my life and stuff but I think when you find the right person they should fit right into your life pretty easily.

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  4. Mich - I'm just SICK of having to kiss frogs. SICK OF IT!!! I think I'd rather just not bother for the time being.

    Laundramatic - amen to that!!! I will NEVER be a woman who goes into a relationship just for the sake of it, and I would hate to be like that!

    At Least I'm Skinny - I hope you're right that if I meet the one they WILL fit into my life easily. Because I seriously can't be arsed otherwise...

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  5. I am not going to offer any words of wisdom. Why, because sometimes we just don't want to hear it. We just want to sit and be....

    but I will offer you hugs and please know I am thinking of you.

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  6. I hate that you've had to put up with so many jerks that you've finally thrown your hands in the air and said " its never going to happen, why bother? "
    Thats not fair.

    I'm not going to spout off some self-help, life guru shit, because you dont wana hear it and wont believe it anyway. What i will say is you never know what, or who, may be waiting just around the corner...

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  7. Just caught up with the events of the last few days... sorry it didn't work out with that guy. At least he was honest. But don't give up! You're not better off alone. The trick is to be good alone. And then work with that...

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  8. Respectfully Yours - Thanks so much for your nice words. They are much appreciated. :)

    Amy - It's not that I've given up based on this; it's just reinforced something I've always believed. Maybe it will happen, I'm not saying it won't. I'm just not waiting around for it. I am happy on my own. That's all I'm saying. :)

    Kirsty - I think that's the point here. I AM good alone. So I think I'm better to stay that way. At least for now...

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  9. Hey P - I used to think the same way after a series od incredibly rubbish girlfriends and then I met Mrs RS in my mid 30s and I couldn't be happier!

    Just don't close off the possibility for the future and you will meet that someone in the end - and not looking for it every day often helps :)

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  10. Hope you're right, G!!! Not looking for it everyday, and not expecting it anytime soon, but you know . . . stories like yours give me hope that maybe it IS out there.

    My point is I'm just not holding out for it.

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  11. Oh, sweetie you need some chocolate and icecream, alcohol is good too but sometimes the comfort food is even better, oh and some good old fashion make you cry movies, yep. You just comfort yourself for awhile and then who knows......

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  12. You're not selfish, you just don't want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone. That's not selfish, that's smart.

    You deserve a man who is proud to hold your hand in public and open the door for you when you hit the pub :)

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  13. we men as a whole suck. Even the good ones have to struggle not to suck.

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  14. Lucy - you're probably right, but instead I've chosen to go the opposite way and go on a health kick!

    Meghan - thank you! I really do!!! :)

    ftcs - I wouldn't say that. Well, I wouldn't ALWAYS say that . . . ;)

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