My facebook status update this morning read: "Paula's thought of the day; hindsight is a marvellous (yet utterly pointless) thing . . . "
I rarely come out with pearls of wisdom but I believe whole-heartedly in this one.
It's so easy for me to say "in hindsight, I should have ended it back when I first started getting the feeling he didn't have time for me." And I DID know that he didn't have time for me, not how I wanted it. I DID realise that. But I was so convinced that things COULD change that I just kept on hoping they would and not doing anything pro-active to find out what was truly going on in the meantime.
When he finally got in contact with me yesterday he told me that he thought i wanted "more out of this" than him. I don't think that was wrong of me when I was barely seeing him and only wanted to have a bit more time with him. I wasn't asking too much. He just wasn't in a position to give me it. Maybe it's just bad timing, maybe we're not well matched. Either way, whatever it is, we're over. At least for now. I have to assume that it is permanent though. He didn't try to lead me on any more than he already had. For that, at least, I have to commend him.
But back to the hindsight. Yeah, I knew all along, I saw the warning signs. But I kept on regardless. I didn't quit while I was ahead. I wanted to believe that this guy had came back into my life for a reason. A guy who I'd fancied so much in high school that I used to run into my standard grade drama class as quickly as possible, hoping there would be a spare seat next to him. Who, even I reached uni age and was getting the train home at night, I would hope would be on my train so we could talk. The one guy I fancied in high school who I never blabbed to people ABOUT fancying . . . because he was NICE to me and I didn't want to ruin that.
The guy who I randomly started talking to for eight hours on facebook nearly six months ago now who I drunkenly finally admitted that I used to like and was utterly taken aback to discover he had liked me too apparently . . .
I wanted to believe in it so much. I wanted to believe in HIM.
But . . .
I guess the point of hindsight IS its inherent pointlessness. Because if hindsight applies, then we obviously didn't heed it at the time.