Wednesday, 15 July 2009


I am categorically not a morning person.

Really really not.

And this, combined with my extreme pavement rage (the pedestrian equivalent of road rage) makes me a special type of liability on the trip to work.

Yesterday morning, I was ready to kill someone.

You see, it wasn't just morning and I didn't just have my normal mildish dose of pavement rage. Oh no. Add to the mix the fact that I was tired, hungover and angry . . . and you had a girl teetering on the verge of homicide. Oh yes.

It started with the guy who appeared on a side street in front of me who was doing the most yucky, horrible hacking coughs. Approximately one yucky, extended cough per minute. As I got closer to him (he wasn't a particularly fast walker), I was more and more tempted to strangle him. Especially because he clearly wasn't helping himself, with his stupid fucking cigarette in his hand. Er - when you are coughing like that? Perhaps it's time to ditch the fags. Just a thought, asshat!

So as I emerged onto another main road, I managed to overtake him and immediately found myself with a new tormentor. This dude was walking behind me. Well, when I say "walking" . . . it sounded more like he was a giant elephant shaking the entire ground, he was banging his feet down so hard. I decided to cross the road to escape the noise. I can't stand people walking loudly behind me for extended periods of time.

Next thing I knew . . . of course, he'd followed me across the road. Argh!!!! I was ready to scream. Especially as he was then accompanied by his own annoying brand of coughing.

(I loathe the sound of coughing, FYI. You may have already worked that one out. It's one of those noises that makes me feel sick and does my head in completely. Which is why I particularly hate having the cold myself, cos I can't stand coughing, knowing how annoying I find it in other people)

I was walking faster and faster and everytime I heard that cough, and those big clodhopper feet banging away on the ground, I could feel my teeth involuntarily grinding together, my hands bunching into fists of their own accord. I was on the verge of turning around and screaming "Will you please stop moving and fucking shut up!" I reached Great Western Road and because I had just missed the green light and didn't want to have to wait so he would catch me up, I actually flung myself across the road in front of the traffic to escape him. Thankfully, I lost him at that point. Before I did actually kill him . . .

Several minutes later, a bus pulled up at a stop right before I reached it and of course people started disembarking with absolutely no awareness or consideration for those already on the pavement. I felt my rage, which had began to dissipate, well up once more as a guy stepped right in front of me and started slowly walking. While reading a fucking newspaper!!!

Seriously, you do not walk along the pavement reading a paper, it's absolutely ridiculous! I managed to navigate my way around him, waited at the next set of traffic lights, crossed the road . . . and two seconds later he crossed the road in front of me. On a really narrow bit of pavement. The paper had gone by this time, but he was still irritating because I now had to try and get around him while on a tiny strip of pavement. Argh! After managing this, I was then nearly mowed down by a cyclist. Who was on the pavement!!!

Then my next tormentor was guilty of something I hate nearly as much as coughing. Whistling!!! Walking while pursued by a tuneless whistle is decidedly unpleasant and vaguely reminiscent of some crappy horror movie. I tried to escape that as quickly as possible.

By the time I got to work, I was exhausted, sweaty and completely and utterly stressed out. It took all my self-restaint not to commit several murders or at the very least some grevious bodily harm. AND I still had to work for seven hours, on top of all that.



  1. Oh my God I know exactly how you feel!! Especially with the cyclist on the pavement and the man walking reading a paper and the smoker with the cough! Grrrrr!!! xoxo

  2. I used to leave for college early, so as to avoid having to be near people on the way. I still do the same with shopping (11pm/8am please) and anything else that involves potential interactions. God I hate people sometimes. A lot of the time. I feel your sorrow.


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