Of course, as usual, "Cheer Me Up Tuesday" coincides with me being as miserable as fuck.
And, I'm sorry, but I'm not even making up for it today by posting something funny. The day has just sucked from start to finish and I think, selfishly, I'm hoping I'm not the only one who's day went down the crapper pretty much right from the get-go.
It's not just all the usual stuff that I'm always complaining about that has bugged the hell out of me. It's always there, dammit, but it has just been a minor irritant the past couple of days.
It's the utter loss of control I feel of my life. I don't feel like ANYTHING is working out the way I planned. From the little things, to the big life-altering things. From the past to the present. And no doubt into the future too, since the past and the present seem to be the precedent for how everything is going to turn out in the end.
I hate the fact that I like someone who I thought might like me, but now I'm not sure, and I don't really know what to do about it.
I hate that I'm letting this bug me. Because I don't like the actions (or lack of actions) of others to affect my mood.
I hate that I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it right now, because I feel so stupid about the whole thing.
I just keep thinking, "Is this my life? SERIOUSLY?"
Most of the time, I'm relatively content. I don't mind my life. Bad things have happened, sure, but there's ALWAYS bad there to balance out the good. Even the people who do bad things and have good luck constantly all the same . . . I believe in karma and that one day life will bite them in the arse. (And hopefully take a big chunk out of it.) There was a point last year where nothing in my life was going right, I didn't know what way to turn, I wasn't even sure I could get through it. But I did. I came out the other end and I was happy again.
So why am I feeling so crap now all over again?
Why am I suddenly craving the closeness of a relationship, when I've spent the best part of a year feeling relatively content to be single?
Why have I just lay on my bed crying for ten minutes because I feel so alone? Big tears, loud, unattractive, sobbing that just makes you glad no one else is around to witness it. That means my eyes are puffy and my eye make-up has ran a bit and I don't really want to face anyone until I'm feeling a bit more normal again.
I KNOW this is just a funk and I'm going to come out of it, I KNOW whether this one particular guy likes me or not really isn't the issue here, and I KNOW probably in a couple of days/weeks time I'm going to be perfectly happy to be on my own again. But right now?
I just feel like shit.