I'm not actually physically here at my laptop right now. I have planned this post in advance because I actually have a life tonight and am therefore meant to be going out. Didn't want to leave you high and dry, you see. Ain't I a thoughtful one??? So, as you read this (if you are in fact reading it at the time of posting) I should currently (and hopefully!) be standing at a bar (Stavka in Sauchiehall Street, as far as I'm aware) with a glass of vino in one hand and perhaps a shot glass of Baileys in the other? I hope. Perhaps there may even be hot guys there? Unlikely (it is Glasgow, after all!) but you never know. Miracles do occasionally happen. Still, as long as there's booze, food (because let's face I am gonna need to line my stomach), good friends and some banter to be had, I'll be happy. Simple pleasures and all that.
So there's this big blog meet up being planned and I'm not going. I'm trying not even to think about it, or look at any of the plans regarding it because, frankly, part of me is a bit gutted I can't attend. But how can I? It's going to be in Boston or Chicago* and I live in Glasgow! I'm sad about this. I mean, part of me feels like saying "Forget those two cities, choose Glasgow, for fucks sake! It'll be great. I have a couch in my room, someone can sleep on that. There's space on my floor, I have tons of throws and a million pillows, bring a sleeping bag, you'll be sorted. As for the space next to me in my bed - well that's reserved for any hot available single bloggers of the male variety. But be warned, it's only a queen-sized one and I'm used to sleeping alone so you might get whacked in the face a bit."
But I really don't think it's do-able. Sorry everyone! I know you were actually considering it there, but it's a no go I'm afraid.
Can I tell you a secret though?
I think part of me is a bit relieved that I can't attend.
Because I'm actually pretty boring in real life.
Seriously. (I bet you're in shock, but it's true.)
The thing is, if you know me well in real life, I can appear to be quite loud and chatty. But really I'm not. I'm actually pretty damn shy. And when I am in a room of people I don't actually know? I clam up. I can't think of anything to say, and if I do think of something to say, I either fuck it up by stammering, nervous that all eyes are on me, or I can't quite get the words to leave my mouth.
So if I was in a roomful of chatty blogging buds, I would suddenly find myself with absolutely nothing to say. Zilch. Nada. I'd be sitting there like a dummy, looking around, possibly on the verge of tears while you all shot brilliant dazzling one-liners at one another and exchanged witty repartee. You would be looking at me with pity, like I was that kid in school who always wet herself in class (which I wasn't, I feel I should add). You'd probably try to include me in the conversation, because I imagine you're all very nice that way. But you would probably not get much out of me. I'd just mumble some incoherent semblance of a sentence and start desperately searching for a way of escaping.
And if you did manage to crack the elusive combination and get me to open up (which may or may not involve copious amounts of alcohol), then you'd probably regret that too. Once I'm on a roll, I can't censor the words that come out of my mouth before they do so. I would end up talking, apropos of nothing, about poo or periods, or launch into a diatribe against Victoria Beckham, or start calling random people c*nts (probably starting with Victoria Beckham). And then you would be the one frantically wishing you could escape. People would probably start speculating on the best way to shut me back up again. "Wasn't it nice before?" you'd be saying to each other wistfully. "When she was quiet and just seemed odd???"
So you see, you've done me a favour really by sticking to the other side of the Atlantic for your meet up. The only way I could probably feasibly come out of it seeming like a normal person would be if I brought my laptop and perhaps a projector and communicated via typing - my conversation with you could be shown on a big screen. Because, honestly, I'm far wittier with a computer in front of me than I am with a human (or several) in front of me. True story.
Anyway, I thought I would share this partly just to warn you in case of you are lucky** enough to ever bump into me in real life. And also to do my part in bigging-up the meet-up. Just cos I can't attend doesn't mean you can't! In fact, that's probably a good reason to attend . . .
Okay, back to my drink. This night out is so much FUN (I hope!!!) . . .
*As far as I'm aware the city should have been chosen by the time this blog "goes to print" as the poll is closing probably about now, but obviously I don't know which one it is yet - I just know I can't make it!
**Or have the misfortune!