Wednesday, 4 June 2008

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE ROCKS THAT I GOT . . .

Can't be arsed writing a new post today. So I'm stealing from something I wrote elsewhere, which my slagging of "Ironic" yesterday reminded me of. Sorry - I'll think of something more original soon . . .


Once upon a time, I had this idea that songwriter would be a great occupation for me. Of course, my hopes of this illustrious career were ended almost immediately when I realised one small, yet vital fact - I was pish at songwriting. Therefore, I should really refrain from judging other people's efforts.

But, then again, I can do what I like really! And bear in mind here that I'm not necessarily slagging off their songwriting ability in general - rather some of the more choice lines from certain songs. You may not agree and that's up to you, but it won't stop me! So here goes . . .



CHESNEY HAWKES - "The One & Only"

I'm probably taking this out of context but:

♪♪♪ Because you'll find out that we come in different shapes and sizes ♪♪♪

Is that not immediately obvious? After all, it is a basic fact of life and is the reason why shops provide clothes in different sizes, leg lengths, chest sizes, etc.



SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER - "Kiss Me"

♪♪♪ Bring, bring - bring your flowered hat ♪♪♪

Like the ringing phone impersonation ain't bad enough, the singer then proceeds to tell us that her beau is in possession of a flowered hat. I'm sorry, but I'm firmly against guys wearing flower patterns and anyway, shouldn't it be "floral"?



REM - The Great Beyond

♪♪♪ I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs ♪♪♪

In his spare time, Michael Stipe has some slightly odd hobbies . . .



PINK - Don't Let Me Get Me

♪♪♪ Never win first place, I don't support the team, I can't take direction and my socks are never clean ♪♪♪

Way to sell yourself, Pink! May I suggest buying a washing machine at least?



DIDO "Here With Me"

From the first line in this song, Dido shows some mild naivety . . .

♪♪♪ I didn't hear you leave . . . I wonder how am I still here ♪♪♪

Er . . . I hate to tell you this, Dido, but there's a possibility you may have been the victim of a one-night-stand. He might have sneaked off so he didn't have to deal with your unmade-up face and stinky morning breath. Then she goes on:

♪♪♪ I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me ♪♪♪

You may be holding your breath a long time, mate, especially if you ARE a one-night stand! And, anyway, she's clearly being overdramatic as then she says:

♪♪♪I don't want to call my friends, they might wake me from this dream♪♪♪

Didn't you JUST say you weren't going to be sleeping? Make up your mind, girl!I actually have nothing against this song, or even (surprisingly, I know) Dido! But the lyrics are stupid. Sorry Dido - but don't worry, it's probably just me who thinks so . . .



ALANIS MORRISSETTE - Ironic

Obviously, this is a song that crops up often in stupid lyrics lists, due to Alanis' recurrent misuse of the word "ironic", rather than "unfortunate". Of course "Isn't it unfortunate?" doesn't quite fit into the song (although "Unlucky" would - isn't THAT ironic?) so instead I have decided to pick on one of the examples that Alanis has used . . .

♪♪♪ Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye He waited his whole damn life to take that flight And as the plane crashed down he thought 'Well isn't this nice... ♪♪♪

Picture the scene - Mr Play It Safe, as Alanis has christened him, is on a plane and, due to his acute fear of flying, is already terrified before the plane has even left terra firma. He may have got drunk on the plane in order to deal with his fear, or even passed out. If he IS conscious when the plane begins its "DESCENT OF DEATH" (see, I can be overdramatic too, Dido!), his life will be flashing before his eyes, or he'll be too scared to even THINK about anything. I doubt he will have the capacity to consider the IRONY of the situation!



USHER - Yeah

Usher Raymond isn't exactly the most modest of dudes, right? He clearly thinks he is all that, and uses his songs as a showcase to let the world know how great he thinks he is. So to hear him sing:

♪♪♪ cos on a one to ten, she's a certified twenty, and that just ain't me ♪♪♪

is a little laughable, as he clearly thinks he is deserving of the highest calibre of girl, so why is he suddenly affecting such modesty? Hmmmm, unless of course he is trying to say that TWENTY isn't even good enough for him - in which case his head is even bigger than I realised!

Later on in the same song, Ludacris comes up with some even better (sorry, did I say better? I meant ludicrous!) lyrics . . .

♪♪♪ I won't stop till I get em in they birthday suits. So gimmie the rhythm and it'll be off with they clothes, then bend over to the front and touch your toes ♪♪♪

Shouldn't you at least find out their names before you see them from THAT angle???



VANILLA ICE - Ice Ice BabyOh, how I love this song - and I'm not even being ironic, I really do! It's catchy, it makes me remember being eleven years old and it's funny - particularly the lyrics . . .

♪♪♪ Turn off the light, and I'll glow ♪♪♪

Why? Have you been swallowing radioactive waste AGAIN? What did I tell you about that, Rob!!!!

♪♪♪ Anything less than the best is a felony ♪♪♪

Hmmm, so when is your court case for crimes against rap exactly?

♪♪♪ Take heed, cos I'm a lyrical poet ♪♪♪

Actually, I think you've proved quite the opposite. Still a good song though!



LFO - "Summer Girls"

This song could definitely be up for nomination for most random lyrics. Let's begin with the first three lines of the chorus:

♪♪♪ New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits/Chinese food makes me sick/And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer ♪♪♪

I'm assuming the relevant part of this is the part about the summer girls, given the title of the song. I think most people know that NKOTB had a "bunch of hits" (some of us can even NAME them!) and do we really need to know that the singer of this tune doesn't like chinese food? Unless he thought a whole bunch of fans were going to roll up to his house with a huge bag of chinese takeaway in order to show their love, and he thought he better warn them in advance, of course. I suppose it is a possibility, but then the lyrics get even more odd:

♪♪♪ Stayed all summer then went back home/Macaulay Culkin wasn't Home Alone/Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speakin/Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton ♪♪♪

First of all, what does Macaulay Culkin and Michael J Fox have to do with ANYTHING in relation to this song? And secondly, Macaulay Culkin WAS Home Alone - or at least his character in the film was! They could at least have got their facts straight first.



JENNIFER PAIGE - Crush

♪♪♪ It's just a little crush/Not like I faint everytime we touch/It's just some little thing/Not like everything I do depends on you ♪♪♪

Well then Jen, how do you explain the hordes of boy-band obsessed girls who scream and faint if they get within ten feet of their idol? They're not in love, they have crushes on these guys.More importantly, how do you explain sixteen year old me carefully planning my route between classes every day in order to assume maximum viewing of the gorgeous sixth-year guy I had a crush on - even if it meant me going COMPLETELY OUT OF MY WAY! It was kinda like everything I did depended on him, weirdly enough.

But then, maybe I just have more problems than I realised.



THE END!!!

Except, of course, for the one song which is chock-a-block full of ridiculous lyrics - "Jenny From the Block". Don't even get me started on that one!!!!

THE REAL END!!!


Oh and a PS - am I the only person who can't stand the singer Duffy? She seriously does my head in, as does her voice AND her music. And I don't know why . . .

3 comments:

  1. heheh you gotta love Jenny from the block...heheh..
    It take hard work to cash checks..classic line.

    the great beyond line though..made me laugh out so loud.

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  3. Love, love, love this one!! I can't stop laughing!!

    ReplyDelete

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