"Three months and I'm still breathing; been a long road since those hands I left my tears in . . ."
Kelly Clarkson is a girl I think it would be good to hang with. Perhaps we could outdo each other with stories of the bad things guys have done to us in the past. She would probably win, judging by the bitterness of some of her lyrics, but I would be a worthy opponent I'm sure.
I think this song "Sober" sums up the way I'm feeling these days. Three months ago I felt absolutely rubbish, I had literally hit rock bottom as far as I was concerned. I honestly couldn't see myself feeling better, couldn't imagine ever feeling more hopeful. It was like, when it ended, everything stopped. I alternated between feeling numb and crying hysterically. Okay, so a lot was going wrong all at once, but I definitely wasn't feeling particularly strong or optimistic.
And it's not like anything has really shifted in my life to make me feel happier. It's not like I've met a replacement, or found a better job, or made a drastic change in my life. But one day everything seemed to just click back into place. I can pinpoint the exact moment it happened, looking back, but I didn't really notice it at the time, it took me a week or two to realise the change. Nothing external, it was inside me.
I felt . . . happy.
Happier than I even felt before it all happened. I guess that is the most important thing here.
Suddenly I realised I quite like having freedom. It's not like I wasn't free before - but I had someone else to consider, you know? Rearranging my plans around this other person. I didn't mind doing it, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see him after all. But gradually I guess, like tends to happen in relationships, I felt myself losing my independence, my own identity, a little. Something I told myself I would never do again. I didn't want to be like that. Part of me hated myself for being like that.
I can look back on it now without too much anger or sadness. There's still a little there, I can't let it go completely. But my memories, up until the end, are good, and even though I maybe wasn't as happy as I thought I was, it was still an important part of my life. He was an important part of my life. Or perhaps the emphasis should be on was. Because it is the past now, it's another lesson to learn, something else to chalk up as experience. Hopefully I will actually learn from my mistakes this time around. I certainly feel far more hopeful that I will! And, for me, that is a giant step forward.
And for those of you who have found yourself in a similar situation (you know who you are!) take my word for it, it will get better. We're all stronger than we look!!!