Monday, 26 May 2008

"THREE MONTHS AND I'M STILL SOBER . . ." (NOT LITERALLY)

"Three months and I'm still breathing; been a long road since those hands I left my tears in . . ."

Kelly Clarkson is a girl I think it would be good to hang with. Perhaps we could outdo each other with stories of the bad things guys have done to us in the past. She would probably win, judging by the bitterness of some of her lyrics, but I would be a worthy opponent I'm sure.

I think this song "Sober" sums up the way I'm feeling these days. Three months ago I felt absolutely rubbish, I had literally hit rock bottom as far as I was concerned. I honestly couldn't see myself feeling better, couldn't imagine ever feeling more hopeful. It was like, when it ended, everything stopped. I alternated between feeling numb and crying hysterically. Okay, so a lot was going wrong all at once, but I definitely wasn't feeling particularly strong or optimistic.

And it's not like anything has really shifted in my life to make me feel happier. It's not like I've met a replacement, or found a better job, or made a drastic change in my life. But one day everything seemed to just click back into place. I can pinpoint the exact moment it happened, looking back, but I didn't really notice it at the time, it took me a week or two to realise the change. Nothing external, it was inside me.

I felt . . . happy.

Happier than I even felt before it all happened. I guess that is the most important thing here.

Suddenly I realised I quite like having freedom. It's not like I wasn't free before - but I had someone else to consider, you know? Rearranging my plans around this other person. I didn't mind doing it, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see him after all. But gradually I guess, like tends to happen in relationships, I felt myself losing my independence, my own identity, a little. Something I told myself I would never do again. I didn't want to be like that. Part of me hated myself for being like that.

I can look back on it now without too much anger or sadness. There's still a little there, I can't let it go completely. But my memories, up until the end, are good, and even though I maybe wasn't as happy as I thought I was, it was still an important part of my life. He was an important part of my life. Or perhaps the emphasis should be on was. Because it is the past now, it's another lesson to learn, something else to chalk up as experience. Hopefully I will actually learn from my mistakes this time around. I certainly feel far more hopeful that I will! And, for me, that is a giant step forward.

And for those of you who have found yourself in a similar situation (you know who you are!) take my word for it, it will get better. We're all stronger than we look!!!

11 comments:

  1. God, sometimes Kelly Clarkson absolutely helps when I'm in a funk. It's like she's experienced everything bad I have (and probably much worse), and is dealing with it in her songs in a way that's so comforting, or at the very least therapeutic to sing along with.

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  2. I suppose she has her songs for therapy, we have our blogs!!! :)

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  3. Beautiful post content. Glad you're able to see the sunshine past the storm again :)

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  4. hey thanks for the friend request on 20 something bloggers. ironically enough it seems like were going through something similar...good luck and thanks for the video- always looking for 'feel better/stronger' songs. take care!

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  5. After being married for lots of years i get angry sometimes that i have lost my right to do as i please. When you are a couple the first thing to go is your freedom, but you do need to keep reminding yourself that it was your free choice in the first place to stop being single.

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  6. Don't you just love that feeling? After the hurt and the anger and the pain, one day you wake up and find yourself.... happy. I'm so glad you've reached that point :)

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  7. I've always loved her. That made me cry.

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  8. Yayyy! I was so happy when I read this post, I know it has taken time and I know the road has been really rough but I also know that the shift where life just seems great again...oh it is glorious when you really feel that freedom. So happy for you hon!

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  9. Meghan - cheers for that! I'm definitely feeling a lot more positive than I was!

    ZZZ - when it comes to songs to make you feel stronger and better, Kelly is one of the best. Then there's always Alanis Morrisette circa "Jagged Little Pill". My flatmate and I were screaming along with her old vids on youtube yday evening and it was very therapeutic!

    Brett - good point indeed!!! It sucks though when you do give up some of your freedom and then it ends - you then end up feeling like a bit of a void has been left, even when you were content before you ever got involved...

    Laundramatic - I'd almost forgotten what it felt like, it took so long to get me to this point!!! :)

    Colleen - She's great isn't she? I saw her in concert in March and she was AWESOME. I really hope you are doing okay, if you need to talk feel free to PM me on 20sb.

    Chele - Thanks, got to say not sure I'd have got there so quickly though without having your experiences to tell me things can get better!

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  10. I need a day to go back and read all of your posts, because they help in so many ways.

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