I'm head over heels in love . . . with the idea of love itself.
I think deep down I always have been. As Hugh Grant said in "Love Actually", it actually is all around (I know, puke! But still . . .). It's in pretty much everything. Every film, every song, every book . . . How can we possibly avoid being exposed to it? Being affected by it?
I suppose it's really romance I am obsessed with, rather than love. But, as far as I'm concerned, love and romance goes hand in hand. As a kid, I would read devour those teen romance novels, the "Sweet Dreams" and the "Point Romance" ones in particular. All these books made me think that there was definitely someone out there for me somewhere. It made me believe in love at first sight, in soulmates, in that spark of electricity when you meet the one you're meant to be with for the first time. I always thought, if I met this person, I would know. And, when I was younger and more naive than I am today (although I have it on good authority that I am still naive), I thought that I knew many times. It was always one-sided of course. Those teenage crushes where you mistake infatuation or a crush for all-consuming love. Back then, I tended to fall in so-called "love" at literally first sight.
But when I look at the guys I've actually been involved with . . . there's not one of them that I met for the first time and thought in that moment "he's the one". I've maybe thought he looked like someone I could be good friends with, or perhaps "Oh, he's sorta cute" but looking back after the fact I can't help but think "But I never imagined that I would have ended up with him." They've grown on me, that's the only way I can think to put it. There's been no flash of recognition at the first meeting, no spark. There's been chemistry which has grown over time, but no instant attraction.
I don't think love has to be all about that instant fix, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I feel like it should be. Sometimes I look around at other couples, people in the street that I don't know, that from looks alone I wouldn't imagine together and I can't help but wonder . . . what was it for them? What brought them together? Was it instant attraction? Are they settling and know it? Settling and don't know it? Or are they just made for each other? Other couples fascinate me - apart from the Public Displays of Affection, which just seem malicious to a single chick!!!
Deep down I want to meet a guy and however we start off or whatever, I ultimately just want it to feel right. I don't want to feel doubts or uncertainty, any paranoia resulting from the mess of my previous relationships. I know perhaps that's unrealistic in itself, and I know relationships are hard work . . . but I don't want it to be that hard.
I don't want it to be like in the movies. There's always a happy ending sure, and believe me, I would like to think that ultimately that's where I'm headed. But movies and books always have obstacles, nothing is ever smooth sailing. I don't want that. I want it to work out first time, I want to have my happy ending without all the crap in the middle that spins the story out longer, and makes you more pathetically grateful for the twist in the tale that turns everything sunny once again.
Love is sweet and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside and part of me does love the way it is portrayed in fiction. But I don't want the fiction, I want the real thing. Hopefully I'll find it eventually. In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep watching the films and reading the books and devouring the fantasy version . . .
PS. I don't know why I chose the Sugababes song, I think it was because it's kind of the way I would like to feel. Who knows . . .